Ask SAHM is a place where you can ask our staff & community a question safely & anonymously. Please read our disclaimer.

Do i hold some blame? I keep replaying it over and over. *trigger warning* sexual assault.

Me and a gf had a girls night. Many drinks. She was hammered I was drunk but had my wits. Back at her place with her fwb (long-standing fwb of 2 years). He groped and grabbed me I told him not to touch me. He continued 3 more times and each time my refusals were harsher and warnings were stronger. The last time I told him if he did it again I would hit him. He did and I hit him. I asked my gf if she wanted me to get him out but she said no she wanted him to stay and wanted to bang him. I left but heard them yelling so I went back with another warning for him and told her to call me if she needed. The next day she sent me pictures of bruises and bite marks.. finger marks on her throat. She consented to sex but after he turned viscous, chocking and biting her and being to rough. Then he left without a word. I feel responsible to a degree. Like he punished her for my actions and I should have stayed and stopped it. I’m sick about it. Do I hold blame? Am I the worst friend in the world?

Report

Got an Answer?


Answers (7)

One question when he was groping you, did you tell her before you left and that you hit him? Because if you did and your friend still had sex with him she needs to take a good hard look at herself. To me that is the shittiest fu****g friend. No she didn't deserve what happened but are either of you going to go to the police? Is she going to stop having sex with him? I hope you go to the cops I really do. But no you aren't to blame but wouldn't be surprised if this friend comes back at you and says she blames you eventually

OP She was there when I hit him. If I was her I wouldn’t have slept with him after that but I am not angry at her for making a different decision than I would have. I haven’t gone to the police, she would need to make a statement as my witness at the very least (if she wasn’t pressing charges herself) and that’s something I need to warn her about, she is a very manic person, bpd, depression, anxiety and ptsd. Very emotionally fragile. She won’t blame me.
helpful (0) 
 So if she has all these mental health conditions why was she drinking in the first place? Yes this bloke was definitely in the wrong I am not disputing this, but why did your friend not look after herself? Why did you not stay knowing she was drunk, mentally vulnerable and with someone who just sexually assaulted you?
helpful (0) 
 ^ people with mental health conditions don’t always make the best choices for themselves. WHich makes them extremely vulnerable to this exact thing.
helpful (0) 
 Yes I know that, but with all those conditions I am assuming she is taking medication and seeking help, all health professional would have said never to drink alcohol, it's even on the label, listed in the side effects of what drinking can do whilst on medication. If she isn't on medication or seeking help she needs to.
helpful (0) 
 ^ yes, no doubt she knows that. But as I said above people with mental health conditions don’t always make the best decisions for themselves. Especially if she was in a manic phase.
helpful (0) 
OP Because she’s an adult... and made a decision to drink..? She didn’t hurt anyone as a result of her drinking, poor decision for herself and mental health but no one was harmed due to her drinking. I asked her if she wanted me to stay and if she was ok, I don’t know how far he would have taken it if I stayed. I was in a position that i wasn’t comfortable in and I chose to leave, for my own safety. He shouldn’t have done it but... sorry, no buts just full stops. When you say yeah he shouldn’t have but why didn’t she protect herself why didn’t she do this why didn’t I do that, you’re passing the buck and some of the blame. I am not to blame for what he did to me or her. She is not to blame for what he did to me or her. He is to blame. Full. Stop. When I wrote this post I was very tired, very upset and still shaken by it.
helpful (0) 
 Then report it to the police hold him accountable otherwise what's the point in asking this question and advice from women ?
helpful (0) 
OP I was in a vulnerable state and looking for some reassurance and support, as well as somewhere to air my doubts and feelings. Isn’t that why we’re all here really? I asked opinions and advice, you’re free to give yours and I’m free to disagree with it..
helpful (0) 
 I understand that. I hope you don't let him get away with it
helpful (0) 

No. Just no. YOU are NOT responsible for his bullshit, not even for a goddamn millisecond.
Unless you marionetted him or held a gun to his head, nothing you did/said/thought made him behave that way. It sounds like this guy was looking for an opportunity to abuse your friend, and found that opportunity while she was drunk.
Shit babygirl he sexually assaulted you before he even laid hands on her that night.
Regardless of whether you had been drinking, no means no. It doesn't mean "wait for more time to pass and try again, just in case the alcohol changes her ability to consent". You said no, he came back at least twice more. If your friend won't press charges (I recommend she does though), I think you should tell the police what he did to you. Who knows how many other poor women he's pulled that shit with.
Goddamn it this pisses me off. I don't often jump on the "kill the patriarchy" bandwagon, but this is a prime example of toxic masculinity. He ASSAULTED two women that night, but the fact you even have pause to think that you caused it, like fuuuuuuuck. Women are conditioned to blame themselves. Urgh. "Maybe if I'd just shut up and passively allowed him to get away with his bullshit, my friend wouldn't have suffered" - NO! Babygirl your distress for your friend is natural. But you had nothing NOTHING (nada, zilch, zip, zero) to do with his actions.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to calm down, and also look at the newest models of chainsaws out... for "unrelated reasons".

 *pardon me, I should have written this is an example of toxic sexuality, not toxic masculinity. Apologies.
helpful (1) 
 The female acted seductive
helpful (0) 
 ^ what’s your point? Acting ‘seductively’ is not consent. And even if there was consent, who leaves marks and bruises on a person like he did?
helpful (0) 
 Rough sex
helpful (0) 
OP Thank you so much! I so KNOW that is all true but at the time of this post it was still so fresh (happened the night before). I wish I had stayed and made him leave, I wish I didn’t leave her there alone with him. I wish I punched him harder but I know that not doing those things doesn’t make me in some way responsible.

I’ve actually argued with my partner all weekend about it because he was trying to convince me that my friend had some blame...and he was annoyed when I wouldn’t agree. And then today I had a lletz procedure by a male dr who got irritated at me for having a physical reaction to pain! Then told me zero information. I was told to go home and given no Aftercare info...not even a pamphlet or a panadol so over all it’s been a pretty tough few days... where my vagina, mental health and self esteem are concerned

helpful (1) 

You've got nothing to do with his actions. He owns his own actions. You have zero blame. Your friend is a shit judge of character but she 100% doesn't deserve that treatment. Please, see that piece of shit held accountable. Protect other women. I hope you are both safe and okayxxxx

100% no. She isn’t at fault either. He is. Completely. The drinking, irrelevant. Her decision to stay, irrelevant. He sexually assaulted you. Physically and sexually assaulted her. He and he alone decided to do that. I agree that you should go to the police. And encourage her to as well. If she will allow you, take some photos of her injuries

 Oops sorry, reread that she took pictures. That’s good. Maybe she is considering going to the police.
helpful (0) 

You all got drunk and bet you all were acting seductively and said no cause you were drunk and gave out physical mixed signals

You and your friend need to let it go and lesson learnt
No alcohol around men

If you go to court you will be asked about your sexual history and witness’ will be called and court case can take months to get to court and drag on months or years

You will be on the news and on social media
You might lose your kids if you are a single mum

Seek legal advice


Don’t waste police time if you decide not to go to court

 How about men control themselves?

Drinking around men? Not illegal.
Getting drunk? Not illegal.
Flirting? Not illegal.
Sexual assault? Illegal
Physical assault? Illegal
Get the picture?

The only one at fault here is him.

helpful (4) 
 Control themselves 😂😂
helpful (0) 
 You my friend are an idiot
There hormones raging
Alcohol inside them
How about you feck off

helpful (0) 
 ^ ummm, yes control themselves. In other words....... Not rape and assault people.
helpful (0) 
 Hormones and alcohol are no excuse for rape and assault. If you lose control when you drink, don’t drink. Why do people take no responsibility for themselves?
helpful (0) 
 Some of you are idiots
helpful (0) 
OP Please google rape culture, on the wiki page, please add a picture of yourself.

You can bet if you like but you’d lose and even if we were acting seductively.. ANYTHING BEFORE THE WORD NO IS IRRELEVANT TO THE ASSAULT. Nothing a woman, does, says, wears or consumes provokes rape or sexual assault. We are not responsible for making sure men don’t get the urge to touch us, the onus is on them to control them self.

As for my sexual history, for one, that would be a short statement. I’m almost 10 years with my partner whom I have 2 children with, I have no criminal record. I’m a very reliable witness. Secondly, my sexual history is completely irrelevant to what happened that night. If I slept with 100 men or 10000 men before this does not give any man the right to touch or molest me.

I will not lose custody of my children because I report a sexual assault.

I know you’re a troll but you’re really awful at it. Sorrynotsorry

helpful (1) 

You are not responsible for anything that asshole has done, you did the right thing multiple times.

**she said he had never ever been like this before. A bit of a jerk but never violent or forceful.