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Husband had an emotional affair. He claims he wants to work on us and doesn’t want our marriage to be over. What do I do now?

My husband has been messaging an old school friend on Facebook. He constantly tags her in memes sending hugs etc. I spoke to him about a month ago saying we were lost as a couple and did he want to work on ‘us’ and fix things and he said he did. Then on the Friday before Christmas he sent her a message declaring his love and wanted to get to know her and see where things went’. I moved him out of our room and into our youngest child’s room and asked him to move out. At first he denies being in love with anyone else and made me out to be insecure until I said “so you didn’t declare your love for (name)”. Then he just started packing. Now he’s claiming to want to fix things and won’t move out and I don’t know what to do. Should I believe him and try to work on things? Or is it really over? Or could we get back together after he’s moved out and sorted out his shit? The woman turned him down if that makes a difference. What do I do?


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Answers (17)

I wouldn't take him back, especially knowing she turned him down. It's like you're now second prize in which he's 'willing to work it out', simply because the other avenue was a dead end. He doesn't want to be alone, so 'you'll do'.

You deserve better

 Im sorry but it comes across like this to me too. He would probably cheat again if he was willing to do it once.
helpful (2) 
 I agree, he will still be looking for someone else. I would never trust him again.
helpful (2) 

1. Counseling
2. Block the woman on all social media platforms and in his phone.
3. For the next (agreed upon ampunt of time) you may have unfettered access to all his accounts and phone.
4. Stay in seperate rooms and "date" each other while you rebuild trust.
5. This one is for you. You need to be able to let it go. If you can't forgive and move forward, don't bother trying. You cannot have love without trust in a long term relationship. You dont have to forget, but you do have to eventually let him have the privacy and freedom back, to make his own mistakes and choices.

 Perfect advice.
helpful (0) 
 Blocking her is pointless, if he wants to contact her he will
helpful (3) 

Wow this could be my story. I took my husband back and I totally regret it. He continued what he was doing until I caught him again. I got up to leave and he begged me to stay saying he only loved me. I stayed. He continued his behaviour. I am currently looking at ways to leave without putting our kids through too much.

 Let me know how you go with this. Facing the exact same situation.
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Have asked him to move out. He Still won’t take responsibility for his actions and claims he wants to work things out. He’s blaming me for pushing him away and mad that I went through his phone to see the messages he sent. I feel that this is worse than physical cheating. A one night stand or similar can be chalked up to a mistake and would be hard to get over but we could work through. This is months and months of thinking of her first, of lying to me, of stressing over how to tell her he loves her all the while promising to work on our marriage to make it stronger. Until he can admit the extent of the betrayal there is nothing I can do. He needs to move out and figure out exactly what he wants. If that’s me, then he can start again and ‘court’ me. If not, then we just try to raise the kids as best we can separately.

 OP here. Not sure why it didn’t come up.
helpful (0) 

It feels, from what you have said, that he is waiting to find someone else before he leaves you. I would be very careful trusting him again and if he won't move out, keep seperate rooms or consider moving out yourself until you are absolutely sure you can trust him. If he really wants to fix things, then he will be willing to try counselling at the very least.

Moving forward i would put ground rules in which is the old friend needs to go, non negotiable. This should be simple for him to put his wife and kids first. If he doesnt there is your answer. Also if i were you i would now be driving this relastionship on your terms. Also if he breaks the deal its over. I would also advise him the world does not revolve around him and you also have choices . This is coming from a guys perspective

Leave! I was all for reconciliation until I read that last sentence. She turnt him down. That is why he wants to fix things. She said no, you were kicking him out so he would have noone. You deserve better.

what a sad loser he is. Its just a pathetic little crush, she turned him down, shes not even interested!

My husband had an emotional affair and he admitted to wrong doing. The day after my father died he packed up this woman to his mother's for the day. Wasn't concerned about me. We have recovered from the affair and I refuse to have anything to do with this other woman from my experience. She was living in our house at the time for nothing. Very manipulative. We have been able to move on and have a stronger relationship and my husband travels with work and I trust he won't cheat on me.

 Fck that s**t. I would never put up with that, it would be see ya to my husband
helpful (0) 
 Similar. Hubby did it once. Second time found a message saying ‘I’ve missed you’ swore it was nothing.. begged me to stay.. and now I feel like we are in a rut/things aren’t that great but not bad either.. not sure if he’s straying again but will never trust him. How do you?
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 Oops was meant to reply to a diff comment.
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Id want to see a lot of evidence that he did want to fix things before I took him back. Delete fb etc.

A bit more info: I’m late 30s. He’s early 40s. We have 4 children together. I broke my ankle about 4 months ago and was in hospital for a week then at my parents for a week with the youngest 2 (3 year old and 5 month old) so they could look after me and the babies and he stayed home with the older 2. during that time he told her he was a single dad and that things had been bad for quite a while. He said he would have left years ago but didn’t have transport and didn’t want to leave his kids. he is playing the victim to his family and saying he just told a friend he loved them and he had heaps of friends he could say that to and it wasn’t cheating. He won’t admit he did anything wrong so how can I believe he wants to work on things now?

 Don't waste your time on him. He only wants to work things out for his own self preservation, not because he genuinely cares about you or your relationship.

How can he want to *work it out* if he refuses to believe he's done something wrong? He's a parasite.

helpful (6) 
 Time to correct the family "I wouldn't categorise professing love and a future possibility for his ex by any means a friend situation, it looks like divorce is the only answer for us if he's so immature to lie and save face to you all". the answer to your question is clearly and sadly that you can't if his actions are so hypocritical- I mean he's basically saying he's wanted out for a long time and if the ex has opened the door he'd have walked through it! I think the harder situation is the one that would make you so much stronger here. If you want to play along for a while, I don't blame you but it sounds like you have a good family so lean on them at this time of need and tell the truth to his lies, you are the one being treated like crap not him, so call it out
helpful (1) 
 What I find so ridiculous is that they say they want out so badly, why don't they just go...but, no, they have to line someone else up first. Retards. Husband did the same. Loser.
helpful (2) 

If you think your spouse may be cheating, you can contact [email protected]
He’s a real hacker and was very reliable in helping me spy on my cheating husband’s cell phone remotely.

My husband strayed and I caught him. Long story short. We both played the game and have found each other. Don't give up, fight for what you want and need.