Ask SAHM is a place where you can ask our staff & community a question safely & anonymously. Please read our disclaimer.


Has anyone else had a stepmother who is younger than you are? My father has recently remarried to a woman 6 years younger than I am. Im currently pregnant with my second and shes trying to give me advice like she is my mum. How do I deal with her?


Got an Answer?

Answers (14)

She sounds like my partners mum. My MIL insisted on being there for the birth of my kids like she was for her daughters kids. I tried to say no but she would complain to my SO that I was being unfair. In the end my SO and I agreed just not to tell her until after the baby was born. Of course he told her when I went into labour, and she turned up at the hospital. I had an epidural so was able to quietly tell him off, he wouldn't ask her to leave. I asked the midwife if she could get MIL to wait outside until it was all over. The midwife just smiled and said she needed to examine me. The midwife said you haven't progressed as much as I thought you would have by now so I will need to get a dr to examine you. She said to MIL the baby will still be a while yet, why don't you go and have dinner. Once MIL had left the midwife said ok it's time to meet your baby it was push time!

 What an awesome midwife!
helpful (11) 
 She really was amazing. When I had my second baby I asked at the desk to not let her in.
helpful (2) 
 Lol what did she say when she missed it.
helpful (1) 
 She came back ten minutes after the baby was born, MIL was just about to go off and the midwife said come and have a hold and she was so excited it was forgotten. I didn't get away with it the second time, MIL was made to sit in the waiting room and wasn't told which room I was in. She went off when she did come in after the baby was born and didn't speak to me for a month. It wouldn't have been an issue if my partner just didn't bloody tell her I was at the hospital.
helpful (0) 

I would deal with the advice just like anyone. "Thanks for your advice and I will take on board the things that I want to but if you could just wait until I ask for it would be a lot better and it would save time". As for the age, you will have to let time to get used to it deal with that.

You need to have the conversation with her. Tell her that if the two of you are going to have any kind of relationship then even though she is your husband's new wife, she is not your mother. It might take some time for her to find where she fits in your family. As she is 6 years younger than you, I'd guess she is quite young. I think it's possible for you to be firm and let her know the boundaries without being nasty. And yeah, her expecting to be allowed in the delivery room because your mum was there for your first is ridiculous. Does she think she's replacing her?!

It's nice that she is interested, she sounds a little too young and has no idea that she is not actually your mum. Just say no it's just you and hubby at the birth and make sure no one knows when you go into labour.

Not even your mother has the right to demand to be in the birthing suite, let alone a relatively new stepmother. She is trying way too hard to get into your life - these relationships take time. If she thinks this is appropriate, this won't be the last thing she demands - set clear boundaries with her and your father's input.

I said hubby only when MIL tried to get in. A step-parent that you aren't even close woth does not need to see your vag! Just tell her no amd be firm. The hospital will respect your wishes amd maintain your boundaries when you are busy.

my grandpa is 70 and his partner is 25 and my mum is 45

I have a step mother who is a couple of years older than me, which disgusts me quite frankly, we don't get along, she's a wh**e (literally, she worked for me dad as a prostitute before they got married) tell her to go f**k herself

 She was a wh**e. She isn't one now if she is not working as one. Its an occupation not a title
helpful (0) 

OP here I just got a phone call from her saying that she wants to be in the birthing suite when I give birth. I told her that I only wanted my hubby there. She said to me but your mum was there for your first. What the hell.

 Did you tell her well your not my mum?
helpful (4) 
 Wow! I had Mum there with my first, but you know... She is my Mum!
I wouldn't consider having my step dad and I love him like a father

helpful (1) 
 I did tell her that. So she went sooking to my dad and i just heard from him asking why I was being horrible to her. I told him what she said and he said just let her come. I really had to control my temper.
helpful (0) 
 Only have people you want in the the room, don't ruin your birth to please others
helpful (6) 
 Be firm and say no to him and her. Thats so rude
helpful (4) 
 Whhhaaatttt???? "Sure, lady who has no relationship with me, come and see my next child exit my vag. Totally reasonable development to our relationship".
Hell no. Your father does NOT get to dictate who sees your next child be born. Actually not even your other half can dictate that. Hell fuckin' no.

helpful (4) 
 I'm going to be blunt and say that you really need to have some confidence in yourself and that you ARE aloud to stick up for yourself. Be very firm and tell her that under no circumstances is she aloud to come to the birth. What on earth does your husband think of her being at the birth? She sounds like a bloody fruit loop. This is your body, your birth and your baby NOT hers. If you don't stick up for yourself who is? And as for your dad he's not helping at all. Tell them both that the answer is a firm no and if they still don't get it then don't tell them when you go into labour, if they complain after Bub is born then that's their problem. Please don't let them ruin you and your husbands birth, you will never get this back
helpful (3) 
 Actually I am the OP so stop trying to be me. Slink back under your bridge troll
helpful (1) 

Just smile and nod and do whatever the f**k you were going to do anyway.

Perhaps she's just giving advice as any friend or sister or relative does and your feelings and making you think it's another way??
Just go with the conversation makes life easier

How old are you and how old is she?

 I'm 24 she is 18
helpful (0) 
helpful (0) 
 Ignore that answer. Im 32 and shes 26.
helpful (5) 

What's your biggest issue? That she's your step-mum, or that she's younger than you? If it's either (or both) then you are sounding a bit childish and petulant.

Sure it's weird that your dad married someone younger than you (some men like to shop in the junior dept.) but the woman sounds like she is trying to make the most of a relationship with you, and all you can do is b!tch that she's trying to act like your mum? Would you rather the alternative - A step-mum from hell?

 There are other ways to make an effort having a baby is a special time should only be shared with those you love and care about. It is a big ask for a woman you do not know very well who is not medically trained to be present at the birth. This woman is not her mother and despite what she may think it does not automatically entitle her to be in the room just because she married her father.

OP just tell the midwives you just want you and husband they will keep her out if that is your wish.

helpful (2) 
 Um no the woman dosent sound like she's making the most of a relationship with her she sounds like a control freak and a nut job. This poor OP is being bullied into having a very private experience taken away from her by a snobby step mother who quite frankly sounds jealous and a spoilt brat.
helpful (3) 
 I have no issue that she's younger than me, or that she is my stepmother. The issue that I have is that she wants to replace my mum. The birth of MY child is a very personal thing. Would you like it if a woman you don't know tells you that she will be at the birth of your child.
helpful (1) 
 Who cares if she tells you she wants to be there. Spine up and tell her no. It's simple
helpful (2) 
 How exactly does she sound like a spoilt and jealous brat?
helpful (2) 
 Are you the step mum?
helpful (3) 

Awkward. Then again i was 11 when my step kids were born so they dont like me... sorry no advice. Maybe just smile and wave???

 My stepmum was 10 when I was born and I love her very dearly. Still wouldn't let her in the room while I was giving birth but lol. Not even my own mother was allowed lol.
helpful (0) 
 My step mum is 10 years older, she went to my middle child's birth and missed my last, then again midwife nearly missed it too.
helpful (0)