Got an Answer?
Thank you "other" women! It was very brave to share your story... for me I don't blame the other women I blame my ex! He was married even it he got offered he should have just turned around and said no! I was at home with a new born and he went into a mid life crisis and pretended he was single.... But on the other hand if he was really sorry and regretted it and made an effort to be a husband and father, I would have made an effort to save the marriage but he wasn't so he pretended to be single and now he is... He is not a part of his child's life and that is fine with me.
Op I understand your hurt and angry at her and it's easier to direct feelings that should be toward your husband at her- anyone who's worked through an affair can tell you that.
But recognise it had nothing to do with her. If it wasn't her it would be someone else regardless of how she Perseud or still Perseus him. A faithful partner won't be unfaithful. It's that simple and it's wasted energy on the other woman if it's directed all at hubby you work through that phase faster. And it's gets easier. You need to accept the affair was 100% his fault. Accept that part of him. If you shift any blame at all onto her you can't fully accept and ultimately move past what he did
It was so fcked up! Sister didn't even know who she was but I guess he didn't think I'd be chatting to his sister without him present, so thought he could get away with the lie. We stayed together but I never got over it. Recently separated years later for other reasons. I don't know why I stayed. Or why he didn't just leave and live with her. But he insisted he wanted "us"to work and I believed it. I blame them both. It was emotionally & mentally the worst
I was the other woman. I DID NOT KNOW - he told me he was single. Someone mentioned to me that 'doesn't he have a girlfriend?' I said no he is single. I asked him again and he came clean. I never saw him again and I was so mad. I'm not that person and he did that to me and to his poor girlfriend who he later married.
OP poster here. This topic isnt meant to be an 'other woman' bashing. I actually really appreciate hearing your perspectives. Its the closest i can get to getting the answers/closure i need because i cant go have a convetsation with 'her'. To the person who finds it a depressing subject, yes it is, but its a reality many of us have no choice but to live with regardless of the roll we played. Quick version of my story goes back 3 years, i met her (at our house!) and instantly red flags and they never went away. My husband finally admitting the affair a few months ago. He was going to leave me for her but never could then we started to reconnect and it messed up his plans to be with her becsuse he realised he wanted to be with me. They had made plans for the future. She text him for a while after saying he ruined her life (ahhh hello? You were with a married man! You were helping and knowingly destroying my life! Makes me angry when she tries to play the victim). So thats my very short story. My husband is making HUGE efforts to reassure me and give me what i need and put our life and marriage back together and make it better than ever. We generally manage quite well, but i do have fits of rage where i lash out or wake in the middle of the night and cant stop crying. There are so many emotions surrounding a life event like this.
Although I still need to work on the hurt I still feel with a counselor, I'm happy with my new life.
Good luck, I wish you well.
I was the other woman. I was single and had an affair with a married man that lasted for about a year. It was, for me purely physical but towards the end he started talking about leaving his wife and that was not what I wanted. And around that time was when his wife found out and confronted me. And that is where our affair ended.
So, as to what motivated me to sleep with a married man, I can't give you a strait forward answer. I had left a long term relationship not long before and I was lost, lonely, vulnerable. And I clicked with this man, whom I worked with. We had a chemistry, neither of us fought it, and he made me feel wanted again.
I did not think about his wife and his kids, I was just thinking about myself. I did not wish for his marriage to end. Which I know sounds ridiculous considering I was helping him destroy his marriage. I guess what I wanted was unrealistic. I was happy being the other woman. I was not at all bothered that he had a wife he want home to every day. Now I'm married and I'm a mother, I think about them now and how'd id feel if someone did to me what I did to her. I wish I could take it all back now. I was so, so wrong to think I could be the other woman and it not have an effect on his marriage.
I don't know what happened to him and his marriage after our affair ended. I left my job, moved house, changed my phone number and moved on.
I also know, if it wasn't me he was sleeping around with it would have been someone else. Because his wife told me I wasn't the first woman he cheated with, and I believe her. Not that that makes me feel any better about it, but it's the truth.
I'm a betrayed wife.
It does help to understand an affair.
Everyone is responsible for their own choices. A man or woman who cheats is the one responsible, NOT the person they cheated with. If someone is going to cheat, they're going to cheat. Nothing will stop them. If they don't get it from one person, they'll go to the next. People cheat because a need in their life is not being fulfilled. Whether it be physical or emotional. "the heart will wander if it's not fulfilled" a quote from my ex husband that has stuck with me for years...........
Sometimes you just fall in love with the wrong person. You spend too much time together and sparks fly. For the other woman it is possible to forget he has a family for the hour or so of time you manage to find to spend together.
Its an escape from reality there are no fights about money no kids to look after no house to clean. You get that new relationship feeling all the time. You convince yourself you don't know his wife and don't owe her anything.
Well I have been in all 3 situations so here goes my story:
Being the cheater: I am not a monogamous person, I have accepted that of myself and I believe monogamy isn't actually a natural state in humanity, a little research into human nature makes that glaringly obvious. I have cheated on numerous partners, it's the thrill I guess, the chase being chased, being admired and wanted. A new person looks all shiny and fun, in reality we have day to day lives and lets face it relationships get boring when you have to deal with kids and bills and things so a person who you have no responsibilities with seems like much more fun.
Being cheated on: My husband had a short lived affair, the fact that he went elsewhere for sex when I was always begging ready and waiting for it hurt a bit but I forgave and accepted that he needed a little variety for whatever reason. I am a prime example of that. We moved on, he hasn't had another (that I know of) and I would more than likely forgive him if he did. Our family, home and life is worth so much more than sex with a random person.
Being the other woman: I had an affair with a married man. We were both in sexless relationships, we wanted variety and hot sex. He was not about to leave his wife and I was not about to leave my relationship. we were there for sex and sex alone. She has no idea and he went home and continued to be the loving father and husband and I did the same.
I guess in all situations sex has been the driving force, I do think an emotional affair when a person thinks about leaving their spouse is much worse, that usually does not bode well for fixing the relationship but an affair for the sex? Life is complicated and societies view of cheating is very skewed. How is a whole life together sometimes years of happiness and love worth less that a blow job from a random person? How have we got to a point where we throw away family and life because of a sexual slip up or 2? Anyway thats just my thoughts and I'm sure the women of this site will crucify me but hey you asked and I'm telling the truth.
I find this all interesting - hearing people's perspectives. I have never cheated but came close to having an emotional affair. I was in denial about a close male friendship.
I don't have contact with that friend anymore and there are days when I miss him because I've never had that kind of connection with some one before.
At the time, my relationship was rocky and my friend was like a knight in shining armour - everything I wanted in man. But I was in deep with my relationship and being that I had a step child there were more than just 2 people who would get hurt so I stayed and ended up marrying.
But if my friend had made a move, my story could have been different.
I was the other "woman" at barely 17, he was 21 and my manager at my first job. I didn't know he had a partner, when I found out he told me he was ending it with her. The night he was supposed to do it he came and told me she was pregnant. Claimed it wasn't his child as they hadn't slept together in 6mnths. I believed him because I was naive, I did it because it was exciting, I thought we were being secretive because we worked together. Turns out she was over 6mnths pregnant and the reason they hadn't had sex was because she freaked out and hadn't told anyone yet. She was only a year above me at school, she approached me saying she'd heard rumours about me and him. She didn't believe them because, apparently, he would never touch the likes of me. I was labeled a s**t when it all came out, didn't matter that he was only the second I'd been with or that he had lied about his relationship, people yelled out nasty names at me from cars, across the school yard. Yet she stayed with him and they're now married with 2 children.
I had an affair, we were both married. I was actually his 5th affair so clearly he was very good at it. At the time I was depressed and when I look back now I realised he took advantage of me but at the time he was a godsend. I became addicted to the affair but the lows are just not worth it. I felt terrible for his wife but figured if it wasn’t me it would be someone else. I would never risk destroying someone else’s life ever again.
Let's face it. Someone who has a one night stand or an affair most likely started it without really thinking through the consequences. He or she isn't really thinking about how much hurt this will cause their partner or damage they'll do to their family.
They will most likely end up regretting it either because they realise how much they actually still love their partner or because of the financial/social/family and mental losses they'll experience.
My husband had a one night stand, enjoyed the thrill and thought he wanted this new exciting life to continue. He was messed in the head from ptsd too. She didn't know he was married with young children on that first night so I couldn't blame her for the betrayal. But once she did find about our family she went and pursued him anyway. I'm still aware he was the married party who gave in but I also feel like she had a moral obligation to stay away once she found out.
Karma bit back though as he ended up breaking her heart too. Lucky no other kids were involved.
We never got back together. He has apologized on many occasions and is having ongoing intense counselling to try to sort himself out. I support him with this and try to have a good relationship with him because he's my kids dad and I made a vow to stick by him through thick and thin. It doesn't mean we have to stay married for me to do this. I can't stay married, he crossed a boundary I know I can't forget.
I often think of the girl he cheated on me with. I'm obviously not over the hurt and still blame her to some degree. It's a process and I'm working on it. I would like to think that one day she'll look back and feel bad about it and try to be a better person from the experience.
Wishful thinking but an apology would be nice too. I'm easily found through fb, she knows who I am and I often fantasise that she'll pm me. Messed up yes but as I said, it's a process and I'm working through it.
Op here again (should have clicked that bloidy button!) Can i just say if you arent happy in your relationship try to fix it or own it and end it before moving on. I wish id been given that courtesy and respect. Sometimes things just don't work out, people change and grow apart etc. It can hurt but not as much as an affair. Nothing is black and white and blanket comments about how you should have kept your husband happy are very naive and usually come from someone who has never been cheated on. I never thought my husband woukd actually cheat on me. I thought i was or we were 'above' that. But it happened and it happened big time and now im part of a club i never thought i would be in and never wanted to be in and i got no choice in it.
I thought we were committed enough to get through the change in our relationship that comes with having children. We'd adjust and grow. I did, he didn't. He went on to have an affair as well as generally behaving badly. I joined that club with no choice in the matter.
It can happen to anyone. Don't ever sit on your high horse believing it could never happen to you. It could...but I hope it doesn't as it hurts so much.
What a depressing topic 😖