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My wife started smoking. Its driving me crazy

Smoking alway been a deal breaker. Now 5 years into our relationship and just married. my partner started smoking. I really not ok with it. We talked i made so rules that. I dont want to be touched or kiss between a smoke and a shower and brushed teeth But the other night she tried to sneak one in when i was asleep and when she come back into the room i asked to have a shower and she spat it. She known all along i hate it.

We were having sex the other night i could smell it on her breath. I tried to keep my head out of it but kissing and sex goes hand in hand. I stopped and said i was to tierd and its wasn't going to happen. But realy it was her breath puting me off.

Is it ok for me to say that the smell of it putting me off?


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Answers (30)

I, too, have always been curious about it. None of my friends, or family, smoke so I never really got a chance to try it. My next door neighbor, though, is a smoker. It took me awhile to get up the nerve, since she knows me as an athletic type bicyclist, and when she apologized to me for smoking (out on her pool patio whilst surrounded by her family yet) I told her to go ahead and that I was always curious myself. She immediately beamed a bright smile and asked me if I'd like to try one then. It was rather disgusting and, as I was choking on it, she laughed quite loudly.

Over time, she would offer me one when she had one and we were outside talking. I eventually got used to them, even to the point where I started understanding their allure. In fact, I grew to enjoy them and bought my own. I don't smoke heavily, perhaps 5-10 a day now, but it does happen (I'm 38 and "started" about 6 months ago) and we're now "smoking buddies" much to her delight and, yes, she doesn't apologize anymore, thankfully.

I know the negatives and will probably stop when I get tired of them but I'm happy that I now satisfied an almost lifelong curiosity despite what I feel, now, is an addiction. In fact, being addicted is what makes them so satisfying, I've discovered. :)

 Do you find that satisfying the regular cravings from your addiction to nicotine to be very pleasurable?
helpful (12) 
 are you still smoking now
helpful (7) 
 I'm the original poster here, updating and answering the questions I see now (2 of them).

1st one: yes, as I already stated in my original post, I found out quickly that satisfying the cravings is very pleasurable. The only issue is when I want to smoke where smoking isn't permitted. I don't like going to movies now, unfortunately.

2nd: Yes, still smoking and realize what so many before me have found out, Because we now live together, I'm now smoking more than I was during the original post, probably because we've moved in together. I started smoking pretty much when she did. It sort of became a cue for me and, eventually, I got up to my current level, probably around one or slightly more than a pack each day, especially when on weekends and holidays when we're together more. I don't really know how much now because we're always smoking from each other's packs. It could be more than one pack now.

Now I'd like to quit but, living together, it's really not going to happen soon.

helpful (4) 
 Thanks for your reply.

I understand that most newly addicted smokers smoking rate gradually rises to 1 - 1/2 packs per day
since nicotine levels apparently gradually fall so that around 45 - 60 minutes the cravings start.

Of course the consquences of addiction is the need to satisfy the cravings which can bring pleasure and
suffering from the consequences of withdrawl when delaying smoking.

However, the addiction is a demanding & relentless master continually on duty 24/7.

How does it feel to have much of your consciousness dominated by the need to smoke approximately every hour or more frequently?
Does the addiction wake you at night to smoke to satisfy a craving?

How do you feel now that you've given up control to the addiction and can't stop submitting to it?

Did you have any idea before become addicted that being submissive to a new master would be so rewarding?

helpful (1) 
 I'm the original poster:

Much of my consciousness isn't "dominated" by my need to smoke; it's quite unconscious...unfortunately.
Rare that I wake up at night but, if I do, I usually smoke a cigarette or two.
I don't think of it as "submitting" but satisfying the need is very enjoyable I guess, at least it feels that way.
I had NO idea how being addicted to smoking would feel, at all. I thought I did, but experience now has taught me otherwise. And, no, therefore I had no idea of how rewarding it would feel. Until I was addicted, which was a slow progression that I didn't really see coming, I had no idea of how much the addiction works to both be somewhat annoying at times while being very enjoyable at the same time.

helpful (1) 
 Thanks for your reply.

You mentioned previously you would like to quit.
Have you tried quiting?
If you have tried quiting how did the withdrawal feel?
Did caving into the the withdrawal and smoking feel especially pleasurable?

Do you think in addition to being addicted to the nicotine that you might also be addicted the regular pleasure you now receive any times per day?

helpful (0) 
 You indicated you would like to quit smoking.

Have you tried to quit? If you did try to quit how difficult was the withdrawal? Was stopping the withdrawal by smoking just too tempting?

In addition to being addicted to the nicotine do you think you might now also be addicted to the pleasure you get by satisfying the cravings?

helpful (0) 
 You indicated you would like to quit smoking.

Have you tried to quit? If you did try to quit how difficult was the withdrawal? Was stopping the withdrawal by smoking just too tempting?

In addition to being addicted to the nicotine do you think you might now also be addicted to the pleasure you get by satisfying the cravings?

helpful (0) 

Hi. I started at 37. I am now 44. My husband hated it at first, he refused to touch me or kiss me for months! It was horrible. I was really anti smoking before I started. My husband cooled and now he loves watching me smoke. I smoke about a pack a day now. The smoke causes my heart to beat faster and I love how relaxed I feel..our lovemaking has increased which is not a bad thing. I love my after sex cigarette, my husband's head resting on my breast. I am a runner and still in pretty good shape although I smoke!

 Do you find that satisfying the regular cravings to your addiction to nicotine to be very pleasurable?
helpful (18) 
 This is gross on so many levels haha
helpful (3) 
 How are you doing Cassie?
helpful (2) 
 What made you start?
helpful (3) 
 Not bad Susan
helpful (2) 

My wife got a new job 5 years into our marriage and it was a stressful but very rewarding job as it pretty much doubled her salary and she started smoking and wearing high heels everyday. It took a little getting use to her breath when kissing, but I don’t mind it now, she actually looks sexier now smoking and wearing high heels all the time.

 My wife smoked in her teens when I first knew her. I didn’t smoke and she quit in her early 20s and was a passionate anti smoker for many years.
She started smoking again when she was in her late 40s just because it was politically incorrect and she “wanted to grow old disgracefully”.
I found it incredibly sexy when she came home with a pack of ciggies and lit up at bedtime. I absolutely love seeing her smoke, particularly if she is naked or scantily clad. The smell of tobacco in her hair is quite a turn on. Smoking, along with a couple of small tattoos, has perked up our sex life no end.

helpful (7) 

I think women do this later on because they've given up so much of themselves being mums & wives that they want to rebel. I get it. They want a guilty little pleasure to themselves.

Tell her. It might talk some sense into her. I've left someone 3 years into the relationship because he started smoking. I was so embarrassed to be with him, and hated being seen in public with him, with him spending half the night outside the bar, restaurant , etc puffing away. So gross.

 Yes, just be honest with her.
helpful (3) 
 Hmm there are far more things worse than smoking- think about that for a second
helpful (2) 

Do you love her really? Or are you just going to trade her for a model that doesn't smoke? What happens if she put on weight? Are you going to be one of those men that demands she lose the baby weight after 6 months or you'll devoice her? Part of marriage is learning to accept each others faults. Does she complain about the size of your penis, the way you're going bald? Your big nose?

 Deciding to take up smoking 5 years into a relationship KNOWING that your partner hates it and considers it a dealbreaker is not the same as gaining weight (or any of the other physical attributes you mentioned). It is making a conscious choice that negatively impacts your partner. It is incredibly disrespectful and the wife is the one who should be thinking about whether smoking is more important to her than her relationship.
helpful (4) 
 I don't smoke but I'd rather smoke & be single that put up this kind of conditional love because it's not real love & you'll be getting divorced eventually anyway.
helpful (11) 
 And I’d rather be single than be with a smoker 🤷🏼‍♀️
helpful (4) 
 Completely missing the point
helpful (2) 

I’m in my mid 30s and secretly love smoking. I do it in hiding so I have to vape. My favorites for NJOYs. I feel really sexy smoking and it makes me horny while doing so. I make love to my husband more since vaping. I feel more confident, sexy and it relaxes me. When the kids are gone and my husband I smoke all day. I wish I could smoke real cigarettes the the smell is to strong. I love inhaling deep and watching the smoke come out of my mouth. I wish I could smoke during sex. Ugh it’s so good! I love everything about it !

I’ll never understand how people in this day and age can choose to take up smoking.

Is it the same as a partner putting on weight? Why is it unacceptable to leave someone for that but ok for smoking. Both are difficult to control and started after marriage?

You do not have to like her smoking or her smokey breath. She needs to quit.

There's always a reason why people smoke. Smoking is a symptom, not a cause.
Encourage her (suggest names, make the appointment?) to see a counsellor to talk through what's bothering her.

Well, many adult women simply enjoy smoking they like the 120s and there cute cigarette cases and fancy lighters.. my wife has smoked since her mom let her when she was 15. My rule is only 7, 120s a day or 10, 109s. They must be lights. I woud just put limits on her smoking. Never in house. Everyone used to smoke in the 90s. Let her have her enjoyment with controls.
Yes, health effect is a serious worry, however, if it's controled to 5 or 6 a day , she most likely will be fine provided she quited before 50.
Let her enjoy her smokes. In force controls.

 Yes like a puppy
helpful (3) 

Maybe she took it up because she knows you hate it and wants you to leave her

 If my husband suddenly took up smoking (or if I did, for that matter), that would 100% be the reason. It’s always been a dealbreaker for both of us.
helpful (3) 
 People do weird things when they want to get out of a relationship without actually verbalising it lol
helpful (0) 

Just a note. Most women enjoy the 120s. Remeber, they are really about 2, regulars cigarettes. My wife tried pulling that over me as well. A 120 is not a normal 5 min smoke. It's a 15 min prosess.

 I'm lost with this response. What is 120s?
helpful (7) 

Why would someone take up smoking now it is so so expensive. I’m a smoker, quitting in 2 weeks time 🤞 but it really is nasty .