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My wife started smoking. Its driving me crazy

Smoking alway been a deal breaker. Now 5 years into our relationship and just married. my partner started smoking. I really not ok with it. We talked i made so rules that. I dont want to be touched or kiss between a smoke and a shower and brushed teeth But the other night she tried to sneak one in when i was asleep and when she come back into the room i asked to have a shower and she spat it. She known all along i hate it.

We were having sex the other night i could smell it on her breath. I tried to keep my head out of it but kissing and sex goes hand in hand. I stopped and said i was to tierd and its wasn't going to happen. But realy it was her breath puting me off.

Is it ok for me to say that the smell of it putting me off?


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Answers (29)

I, too, have always been curious about it. None of my friends, or family, smoke so I never really got a chance to try it. My next door neighbor, though, is a smoker. It took me awhile to get up the nerve, since she knows me as an athletic type bicyclist, and when she apologized to me for smoking (out on her pool patio whilst surrounded by her family yet) I told her to go ahead and that I was always curious myself. She immediately beamed a bright smile and asked me if I'd like to try one then. It was rather disgusting and, as I was choking on it, she laughed quite loudly.

Over time, she would offer me one when she had one and we were outside talking. I eventually got used to them, even to the point where I started understanding their allure. In fact, I grew to enjoy them and bought my own. I don't smoke heavily, perhaps 5-10 a day now, but it does happen (I'm 38 and "started" about 6 months ago) and we're now "smoking buddies" much to her delight and, yes, she doesn't apologize anymore, thankfully.

I know the negatives and will probably stop when I get tired of them but I'm happy that I now satisfied an almost lifelong curiosity despite what I feel, now, is an addiction. In fact, being addicted is what makes them so satisfying, I've discovered. :)

Hi. I started at 37. I am now 44. My husband hated it at first, he refused to touch me or kiss me for months! It was horrible. I was really anti smoking before I started. My husband cooled and now he loves watching me smoke. I smoke about a pack a day now. The smoke causes my heart to beat faster and I love how relaxed I feel..our lovemaking has increased which is not a bad thing. I love my after sex cigarette, my husband's head resting on my breast. I am a runner and still in pretty good shape although I smoke!

Tell her. It might talk some sense into her. I've left someone 3 years into the relationship because he started smoking. I was so embarrassed to be with him, and hated being seen in public with him, with him spending half the night outside the bar, restaurant , etc puffing away. So gross.

 Yes, just be honest with her.
helpful (3) 
 Look at all the gross smokers trying to make themselves feel better by calling op a sook 😂
helpful (2) 
 Look at the angry reformed smoker, hanging out for a smoke, making derogatory off topic comments directed at other posters.

Just go and light up, make your day and that of those having to put up with your attitude which stinks more than any smoke ever could.

helpful (1) 
 Omg I can’t believe these responses 🙈 there aren’t many things worse than a smoking partner. It’s putrid.
helpful (13) 
 In my experience, if she's sucking on ciggies I'd be very wary of what else she's been sucking on when you're not looking.

Maybe check her phone or emails.

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 ^ what even. 0 to 100 in like seconds there.
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 Hmm there are far more things worse than smoking- think about that for a second
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I think women do this later on because they've given up so much of themselves being mums & wives that they want to rebel. I get it. They want a guilty little pleasure to themselves.

 You know what, that seems like a believable reason! Same with affairs for mums who's kids are late teens. They don't have an "identity" outside wife and mum and want to rebel!
helpful (4) 

My wife got a new job 5 years into our marriage and it was a stressful but very rewarding job as it pretty much doubled her salary and she started smoking and wearing high heels everyday. It took a little getting use to her breath when kissing, but I don’t mind it now, she actually looks sexier now smoking and wearing high heels all the time.

Is it the same as a partner putting on weight? Why is it unacceptable to leave someone for that but ok for smoking. Both are difficult to control and started after marriage?

There's always a reason why people smoke. Smoking is a symptom, not a cause.
Encourage her (suggest names, make the appointment?) to see a counsellor to talk through what's bothering her.

You do not have to like her smoking or her smokey breath. She needs to quit.

Maybe she took it up because she knows you hate it and wants you to leave her

 If my husband suddenly took up smoking (or if I did, for that matter), that would 100% be the reason. It’s always been a dealbreaker for both of us.
helpful (3) 
 People do weird things when they want to get out of a relationship without actually verbalising it lol
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She is cheating. She picked up smoking from her lover. You don't just wake up one day and decide to smoke. It is something she has started doing because of him.

 I tend to disagree with this statement. i have been married 37 years and my wife asked me if it was ok if she wanted to smoke. i asked her why and she has always wanted to try it. she has always enjoyed pot and i looked at it this way smoking pot smoking cigarettes either way she is still smoking. In all honesty smoking does not bother me at all. I can agree that for 99% of the people it is a disgusting habit. It comes down to personal choice. She was pleased I did not stop her. We sit out in the back yard and chat have a beer while she smokes. She also enjoys a cigarette in our bed room while I rub her feet, The cheating thing is not the case in our relationship
helpful (5) 
 That is a really bizarre assumption to make! Taking up smoking suddenly is because they are a cheater?
helpful (1) 

Just a note. Most women enjoy the 120s. Remeber, they are really about 2, regulars cigarettes. My wife tried pulling that over me as well. A 120 is not a normal 5 min smoke. It's a 15 min prosess.

 I'm lost with this response. What is 120s?
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I’ll never understand how people in this day and age can choose to take up smoking.

If my husband started smoking I'd leave. Filthy, scabby, derelict habit. Smokers are selfish morons.

Do you love her really? Or are you just going to trade her for a model that doesn't smoke? What happens if she put on weight? Are you going to be one of those men that demands she lose the baby weight after 6 months or you'll devoice her? Part of marriage is learning to accept each others faults. Does she complain about the size of your penis, the way you're going bald? Your big nose?

 Deciding to take up smoking 5 years into a relationship KNOWING that your partner hates it and considers it a dealbreaker is not the same as gaining weight (or any of the other physical attributes you mentioned). It is making a conscious choice that negatively impacts your partner. It is incredibly disrespectful and the wife is the one who should be thinking about whether smoking is more important to her than her relationship.
helpful (4) 
 I don't smoke but I'd rather smoke & be single that put up this kind of conditional love because it's not real love & you'll be getting divorced eventually anyway.
helpful (4) 
 And I’d rather be single than be with a smoker 🤷🏼‍♀️
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Gross, deal breaker for me too. It’s gross, smelly and selfish

helpful (1)