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Will ex wife always call the shots?

My partner has 2 children with his ex wife. I get the impression she was very controlling during their marriage. She uses the kids to get her own way quite often, by threatening to withold access if he doesn't do what she wants. Everything revolves around her, from what activities they can do when they visit to when he takes his annual leave. He's a great dad and loves his kids, so he doesn't want to piss her off and risk not seeing them. My question is will this ever get better? His youngest is 6, so potentially there's another 12 years of this to look forward to.

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Answers (15)

Ahhhh! We call the shots because our ex goes off to live his life and we are left with the responsibility of the kids. They are no longer equal parents as they don't equally support and care for the kids.

 Not always true. Some dads (with their new partners/wives) take on equal share and support of the kids. And some dads can be the more responsible parent.
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 Yes some dads a fantastic, I just get sick of the bitching and carry on about paying child support. They only pay a tiny amount of what it costs to raise a child.
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 You're a fu****g bitch
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 You can't handle the truth ^^^
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 A good percentage of you “call the shots” because you are bitter AF, you don’t give the father the opportunity to share the responsibility you just stand there with your hand out playing the victim.
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 uh I agree with the poster of this comment. Some dads don't take on the full parental responsibility. And then they get with women who hate their step children. There are other dads who are great. My kids dad is great but we don't live near each other so he can't have shared contact so I'll call the shots and he is happy with that.
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I'm not sure if this is any help but I am a controlling ex wife, just giving my side of the story. My kids chose their own sport/activities, I organise it all and drive them too and from. I don't allow my ex to have the kids in the school holidays unless he is taking time off not just putting them Vacation care same with after school. He is allowed to have them every other weekend unless he is away for work then they have to stay with me, I won't let them just stay with his girlfriend if he has one as there has been a few. He gets upset and says I am controlling as he doesn't get a say in what goes on in their lives, but he doesn't alway have the kids best interests at heart. Sometimes mums know what their kids want and need and have to stand up for them.

 half agree with you but if the father is in a stable relationship with a home and food, their own clothes ,rooms etc why cant the children go to their father/girlfriends house in some case fathers/wives house ? it the father i on his way home form work ad they left with girlfriend/wife for an hour or 2 i dont see the problem if the father out out of town for the hole wkend/ visit thats different
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 When he is in a long term relationship it won't be an issue, so far there hasn't been anyone around long enough for it to be appropriate.
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 I don't think you sound controlling at all, just sensible and putting the kids first.
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 Thanks. We had a few issues and I am always told I'm too controlling. A lady I had never met before came up to me at sport and said she was taking the kids as my ex way away and would be back the next morning. The kids said they knew her but but I was in a bit of a panic over it. I called his mum and she said she had only met her once and to leave them with her instead.
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 This was 3 years ago, would live to know if you're now working and have had to put them into care? Does that mean you don't have their best interests at heart, because you're working to provide them with a better life? Your kids Dad is not their entertainer, he is their Dad, if he is working when the kids go to him then he needs to do what he needs to do. Its not up to you to decide what he does with them when they are in his care. Hopefully he has had access in this time not just given up like so many Dads do in this situation.
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 It absolutely is up to her what he does and doesn't do with them 100%. She has spent her life raising them and so she should! She is their mother! I hate how society has gone in this regard! She sounds like a brilliant woman and mother and well done to her for kepping her stance!
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 You do realise it's almost 2019 not 1980 something? Dads don't need to have time off work to have their kids, just like mums don't! We have come so far with attitudes towards parenting and equality, Dads aren't babysitters blah blah blah and then someone comes along and says they won't ALLOW their children to go to THEIR OTHER PARENT if they are working?! What the hell is wrong with you all?
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 I didn't read all the responses but if he wants to leave them with someone, that's nothing to do with you because it's on his time.
This issue was brought up in court when my friend didn't like the woman he'd left her for and the court said too bad, he can leave the kids with a work colleague, his new partner, her sister, whoever as long as it's safe etc, as it's on his time so has nothing to do with you at all

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My mother was the same, it was that way until I ran away to like with dad at 13 and then my brother moved with his gf at 16, kids pick up on these things and make their own decisions about what is going on. Unfortunately this mum seems to think she does call the shots and if your hubby wont stand up to her then it will probably stay that way until the kids make it their choice if they chose to do that.

This is why i would never be with someone that has kids

 I agree with this even tho I have kids of my own. It's too hard with someone else's kids
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Go to court get orders end of her controlling

 Only if she follows the orders, if she doesn't he has to go back to court and she can keep the kids again until he does. Mum did it many times. Cops cant do anything as long as the kids are safe with a parent there isnt much the can do. And she can with hold the kids if he does take her court until the orders are in place. .
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 You can actually get arrested and other consequences for not followin orders now
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 You can breach her for orders i have been through court and dealing with all of this. Court takes not following orders very seriously
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 The court will force her to follow orders. Just because some people are losers and dont doesn't mean everyone is that nutty
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Get avery specific custody order in place. If she withholds the kids she is breaking the law.

If you have a court arrangement doesn't he just get them according to those automatically ??

 If the other party follows the court orders that's how it should work but if they don't it can be a long process rectifying this as you have to prove it in court.
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 He's trying to do mediation to get a parenting plan written up at the moment. She said if he drops the mediation she will let us have them every second weekend and half of holidays. If he continues with mediation she will refuse everything and won't let us see them anymore. They have been separated for 6 years and never had anything in place, he and I have been together for 2 years and I think he's woken up to how controlling she is. She has told me that he is selfish now because he won't do everything she says anymore.
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 If she refuses to go to mediation, he will get a certificate so he can go straight to court.
Please remember mediation is a voluntary thing. It is not legally binding.
Get to a solicitor and head for court. There are serious consequences for not following court orders.

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 Go through the courts. This behavior will take it's toll on everyone
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Get a lawyer or legal aid!! My ex SIL does this to my BIL. It's utterly disgusting.... And he also won't 'rock the boat' for fear of loosing the kids.... Mind you she's a nasty domineering piece of work and already has the kids completely wrapped around her fingers complete with the eldest being extremely rude & disrespectful to his father... Absolutely seek legal help now!! Please.... For his AND the kids sakes.

 Hmmm, how does he get time to parent in between all his relationships?
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Any update OP? Did things improve? I’ve been living this for 9 years now, although recently DP has started standing up for himself

Keep and record as much of this information as you can, record phone calls of her threading these things, texts emails etc will hold up well in court if have proof of the the things she says and does. Because she could easily manipulate those kids into saying they don't want anything to do with their dad. Get help NOW

It will never end unfortunately - the only way to have a little bit of control so its fair is mediation ( show you are trying to do whats right for the children and so its fair) - if you agree on a plan without going to court the other parent can still not follow it as it has happened to me and my partner - then it will go to family law court and the judge will decide for you both (mother/father) whats best for the child/ren with a family court order signed my a judge there is huge repercussions with not following the orders with mediation ( technically not a legal document) ..........

keep a diary of events and her orders messages etc file for visitation through a family law court/ lawyers ... best of luck

As long as he allows it, it will continue. The court decides hoe much time he gets not the ex. He should stick up for himself.

Yep been there done that and could write a book about it. Get yourself a good lawyer and get court orders in place. If its affecting you and your husband it is definitely going to affect the kids.

Yes, it will continue. A friend of mine has been divorced for 15 years. The control is still going on. He has been remarried for 9 years and his ex is still pissed off about his new marriage. Some people are just bitter to their core.
If she requests to drop the court proceedings, do not listen. This is her only bargaining chip for control. If your husband gets custody sorted legally, it gives him power back.

You're not the only one. Dad wants to see his kids so is easily manipulated. My partner is the same. He takes the oath of least resistance just to make his own life easier. She wants us to have the kids an extra night, he says yes. We want to drop them off half an hour early she cracks it.

 That's our situation too. We both used all our leave having them for extra days when she wanted us to. But we asked to have them on a particular weekend because we had family visiting from interstate and she refused. I seriously don't know if I can put up with someone else essentially controlling my family for the next decade.
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