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Why can't anything ever be about me? Not a question. Just a rant.

I have a milestone bday coming up. Friend asked what i was planning and before i could even finish i was getting told that i shouldn't do it and that what i was planning would make the party too segregated etc. 2 other frienfs who hate eachother refuse to come if the other one is there (im expecting 75 -100 people so they dont have to interact at all). Ive been friends with 1 for 25 years the other for 11. Try to talk to hubby about my dilemma (one of the people is also one of his best mates) and he basically doesn't want me to 'rock the boat'. Another friend has gone off on a big tangent planning things. So i don't feel like my bday is about me, its about everyone else, what they want and keeping everyone happy. Nothing in my life is ever about me. Im a mum, Its about work, kids, house, doing the right thing, keeping everyone happy all the time and apparently my bday is no different. Contd in commentd


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Answers (10)

I learnt the hard way, being raised to 'not rock the boat'. If I ever spoke about an issue my mother would literally tell me not to rock the boat or cause trouble - basically let everyone treat you like crap because they can. And they did.
I learnt the hardest way possible that I needed to rock the boat until it sank, build my own ship and captain it myself. Yes it causes other problems, but no-one will respect you unless you do. Of course, it needs to be done as gently as possible, so tell the friend you're inviting both because you love them both and can't be responsible for hurting either of them. Univiting is off the table, but you can work with them to seat them away from each other etc. You'll find out their true worth.
Embrace the organising friend if you can. It sounds like they want to celebrate you, however missguided their attempt.
If you offer details of the party, you're inviting opinions. Either tell no-one how you're doing it or be prepared for responses. Most people aren't trying to be malicious. We just have different perspectives.
Me? I learnt long ago to spend my celebratory money sailing off in my little ship with my kids & hubby rather than paying for the privellege of organising, feeding & cleaning up after people, most I rarely hear from. I would usually invite close family to an affordable restaurant in leiu of gifts or have a small BBQ at home.

 Great answer. I was also raised to never speak up, stand up, make a fuss or rock the boat. People took advantage of me all my life. It made me vulnerable to bad people who prey on people like me. It's only now in my 40s I'm getting a new strength.
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Take your kids and go away for the weekend. Spoil yourself and them. The rest can go suck it!

Do these "friends" have legitimate issues for example did one shag another one's wife or is it just petty things? Everyone in your life sound like dickheads. Scew them all - ditch them & book a holiday without all of them.

OP They used to be married. I get they hate eachother but they are 2 of my best friends. 1 is ok with the other being there, 1 is not. I hate that i have to choose between them. If it was the other way around i would never put them in that position. I'd suck it up to be there as their friend. As i said, there will be so many other people there that they wont have to interact. 1 of them is just so bitter and angry and trying to control everything. They didnt split because of anything really bad either, it just got nasty when it came down to $$$. Its been a few years now, they both have other partners, they dint have kids together.
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 Ah i'm having a sort of similar problem but i know i've got to put my big girl pants on & walk into that room with potentially my ex in it for my dear friend. They should be able to swallow it for a night for you especially at a party that big. If not then they should bow out. I'd do it if that was an option for me but alas it's not (damn conscious). They shouldn't be trying to control the situation through you that's so uncool. Might be the right time to put them in there place. Sorry your husband sounds like a bit of a pussy. He should have you're back. This party sounds like drama though is that really what you want?
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From my experience, cancel. [email protected]*k em all and go and do something or buy something that you really want. If people ask why, you say "it was too hard trying to please everyone."

Said that to hubby and he got all shitty with me and walked off. I ask for and do VERY little for 'me'. As most mums. My life revolves around everyones elses needs and wants. I ask for and expect very little. But the few times i put myself out there "thinking this is my moment for me" i feel like i just get pummled and feel like shit. I just want to cry. I was talking to a friend about these issues and hubby told me to stop bitching about people. Ask him what to do and he sits on the fence but tells me im wrong in every way i try to deal with it.

 Because you are so nice and always make it about others ppl legitimately don't expect it to be about you ever. They aren't used to it. And if you speak up for your needs they subconsciously feel uncomfortable as that's not the order of things and push back. I get it as that's what's happened to me my whole life. So when u really want something u gotta speak up girlfriend! Don't ask just say that's what you want and that's what your doing
You might have to organise it all by yourself but they will catch on

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Have the party anyway and have a great time. If those so called friends don’t show up it shows how selfish and petty they are and you don’t need that in your life anyway. Do what you want. The ones that love you will enjoy it with you.

OP I think this, then i think 'i just cant be bothered, its already too hard'. Its become a hot button topic already. Hubby and i are fighting about it because of all the friend stuff. Ill have to do most of the work, planning, organising etc. Ill probably end up doing nothing and resent everyone for making me feel that celebrating my bday is too hard.
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 Yes have the party, just invite them both and if they don't go it's their problem.
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Cancel the whole party. Take the money you would have spent and book a night in a nice hotel, watch junk tv and order room service or if that doesn’t suit, book a spa day. Do something for you. If anyone pitches a fit about it, that’s their issue not yours.

If you still want the party, do it. Invite who you want, it is up to them to decide to come or not. Have a good birthday and celebrate it the way you want.

OP Thanks! I don't even know what i want anymore..... getting to the point where i just want it over with so i dont have to think about it
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My 40th ended up my kids organising a party, a kids mascot came and entertained all the kids (just like a kids party) piñata etc.
No adult wanted to plan anything or be part of planning, my parents refused to have anything at their home which is where we always have every event. I kept getting told that I was to do all the food, mum was disgusted when she found out it was a sausage sizzle and kid style party food (my kids did the menu, they were throwing the party after all)
It was pretty much no one could say no if the kids invited the cousins telling them the plan. My cousins would have come regardless.
Then adults were pissed that they couldn’t drink at the venue we were?!?!
I think my kids would have been more upset then me if there was no party and they loved every minute!

 This is so beautiful. Kids don’t think like adults, they think that everyone likes kids things. So when they threw you that party they planned it to be amazing for you, and they did it out of love. You’ve raised some amazing children to do that for you.
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 💕💕💕 thanks
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OP Wow! How sweet! They showed you how much you mean to them and put so much effort in trying to make the day special for you. You are a truely lucky lady!
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 Beautiful kids.
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You deserve this one thing to be all about you and your wants. If they can’t see that then they aren’t valuing you like you should be. People can be so fu****g selfish and self-centred, forgetting to consider those around them. It might be time to sit all three of them down together and ask them if you can have this one night.

 She shouldn’t be asking. She should just do it. If the ‘friends’ can’t rise above their own issues for one night then they aren’t worth it.
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OP I did want to send them a joint message telling them both to pull their heads in about several things. I feel like their child or an assest in their divorce settlement. #1 friend "owns me" because we were friends first but i also get on with #2 friend REALLY well and always have. Hubby thinks if i send them a joint message, im putting myself in the middle of things but i feel that they've already put me there and what they are doing is unfair and they need to stop. He doesnt like to rock the boat on anything, he thinks I should just say/do nothing but it all just keeps getting worse. I dont want to lose either of them, but i feel things have esculated to a point where i need to say something.
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 When I was getting married my mum didn't want me have a destination wedding because she didn't want to stay at the same resort as my dad. I said that's ok I will understand if you don't want to come. She shut up once she realised she was the one who was going to miss out. Maybe try that with your friends x
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