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Cheating - Husbands best mate's wife How do you just get over it cheating when they justify it as brotherly/sisterly love? So...long story short, my husband and his best mates wife's “friendship” got secretive and after my husband’s behaviour changed, I went investigating and found text messages. Those messages crossed a line for me. Those messages got deleted very quickly and my phone calls to her went unanswered and I was blocked on Facebook. Yes I got one response from her, it was brief and pointing out they are like brother and sister and this is acceptable behaviour to them. Now I am an advocate of male/female friendships but if you have to hide it…IT IS NO LONGER FRIENDSHIP. Am I wrong? Aren’t “I love you xxx” and “I want to be with you” in late night text messages generally reserved for an intimate relationship or is that something friends/brother/sisters do these days? So, how does one just “get over this” when they adamantly justify the secretive behaviour as “like brother and sister”? How can I let them see how this behaviour crossed a line? Everything I have tried isn’t working especially since one of them is now un-contactable.

Apparently before we returned to my husbands old town my husband and the best friends wife discussed how their interactions were going to be a problem for me. I was unaware of these conversations and up until this point was under the opinion that their friendship was merely tolerance because of the best mate. Yes, on more than one occasion my husband referred to her as a waste of space. add insult to injury I stood up for her thinking she was a friend of mine as well.

At this point, my husband and I are trying to work it out. Don’t judge, if it fails at least we tried.


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Answers (14)

Yes they have definately crossed a lined there. " I want to be with you" is not an innocent remark that you make to your sister/brother. Add insult to injury, they are gaslighting you. Trying to make out that you are the one with the problem. If it is so innocent why block you, why hide it?
I really think thatt only way that this will be sorted out is through marrigage counselling. If he refuses to do counselling or refuses to acknowledge how you feel or that he has crossed a line then start looking at other options.

 Entirely agree with this. Also I want to add, if they thought or mentioned that you would have a problem with their ‘interactions ‘ that’s a flag. Not only that but the ‘I love you xxx’ is not innocent. And also I want to be with you.. this is an intimate suggestion for sex is it not? It’s not I can’t wait to hang out?
Sorry to say but if he doesn’t see how wrong it is, I’d be leaving.
Goodluck is all I can say hun this sucks you have to endure it but I’m sure you are a strong woman you must stand up for yourself!!

helpful (3) 
 Agree with all this. Definitely an intimate relationship and gaslighting you. I too would be leaving.
helpful (4) 

If those in brotherhood/sisterly-type relationships send "I want to be with you" messages, then that's just creepy. Or more to the point, they're both lying shitbags.

If he's sorry, it's because he was caught and not because he has genuine remorse.

How's husbands best mate coping with his filthy wife in all of this?

I think a boundary is broken when you discuss relationship issues with the opposite sex even they are friends. Maybe I’m conservative but a relationship I know emerged with a married man by discussion of marriage problems.

 Totally agree
helpful (3) 
 Definitely agree.
helpful (0) 

Well done to you for trying and wanting to make your marriage work. This says a lot about you and your commitment to your husband. It is more than what he has been giving you, sorry to be so blunt.
First, I feel you really need to set some boundaries here, though. This behaviour is completely unacceptable to you (and probably would be to most people who are married or in ltr). You need to make this very clear "I am not ok with this and I will not accept it going forward." Ok, he has done what he's done, you can't change that, but you can change things going forward. Let him know you will not put up with it any more and should he go down this road again, you will separate yourself from him..but you need to be able to follow through on that.
Secondly look at his behaviour. Is there genuine remorse and a willingness to be completely accountable and transparent? I know it's a tricky one given the nature of the friendship, best friends wife and all but if he is serious about making things right with you, he would cut all contact with this woman. I would not be accepting any excuses or anything else.
Third, look after yourself. Exercise, dress up, eat well, keep busy in between.
I hope things get better for you and that he stops his nonsense and realises what a good thing he has in you before it's too late. If he doesn't, please move on and be the best you that you can be.

This sounds horrible first up I'm sorry you're going through this. You are not wrong. They are. They've cut you out of the equation & made themselves a team. It's not ok. Make him go to marriage counseling maybe someone else explaining it to him might help him realise. If he still doesn't get it & chooses his relationship with her over you then that's your answer. At some point he will have to choose & if he refuses then you'll have to do it for him. Good luck.

I feel that you should move on with your life if he wont leave her alone and viscera. No one likes the thought of being alone but I was In ur situation 20 odd years ago. I left him as nd took nothing. I rebuilt my life and i must say strengths emerged that i never knew I had

What happened

 DH was completely transparent after I confronted them and remorseful after we discussed how I felt it crossed a line. He also accepted that he could see my point. We later found out after a few months of working on things that she was manipulating the situation due to her being unhappy in her marriage. We no longer speak with them not instigated by us but she was also completely not remorseful and couldn't see how it might have been inappropriate. We continue to work on things though it is a long road.
helpful (1) 

Firstly if you haven't told the mate (other husband) you need to. I would communicate with the other woman however I could write a letter if you have to. Then I would demand honesty and complete transparency. 100% access to his msgs emails etc until you can trust him again. But bottom line is he is still lying to u with this minimising and brother sister crap its not Game of Thrones ffs! Brothers and sisters don't generally want to be together. He needs to admit he was in the wrong or u really can't move on. Marriage counselling is also necessary here

I am someone who's husband did cheat on me (3 years on we are together and doing well). I also have a close male friend - also my husbands best friend (i actually wrote about this in another respose to a question last night). In 25 years of friendship there has NEVER been anytjing romantic between us - however, people can and do definitely get the wrong impression with us dometimes if they dont know us/our history. He will hug and kiss me, stand with arms around me. We will say 'luv ya', we text (but him and hubby text way more). We've had lunchs just the 2 of us, he will come over for drinks and we chat for hours. After splitting with his wife he needed lots of support and often came to me - hes cried in my arms. My husband has never had an issue with us. BUT, trust your gut - my husband cheated for a few years and i 'knew'. Even if what your husband is innocent, if it makes you uncomfortable and crosses lines in your eyes, its important he takes that seriously and changes his behaviour, if he doesnt, i think it shows huge lack of disrespect and there is likely something more to it than sibling type friendship. From what you've said about their behaviour it does sound fishy, but im hyper alert these days xx

 I wm the writer of this response and have to say i agree 100% with everything all the other posters so far have said xx
helpful (0) 

you don’t need to convince them of anything, or do anything. Except leave. You don’t send messages like ‘I want to be with you’ to anyone except who you are intimate with, or about to be intimate with.

Nope totally suss... If I ever saw messages like that between my partner and ANYONE I would be very concerned. That is not okay.