Ask SAHM is a place where you can ask our staff & community a question safely & anonymously. Please read our disclaimer.

Why are you having an affair?

I'd like to know why people have affairs. What causes people to stray?
A friend of a friend has just been caught having an affair. It's been going on for 5 years and her poor husband had no idea. He's lovely. He dotes on her and gives her everything she could possibly want and more.
It's come as such a shock to all of us and I can't understand it.
They look so happy together.


Got an Answer?

Answers (24)

There are as many reasons for affairs as there are people having affairs.

For me personally, he entered my life at a time that I was not feeling especially good about myself. I had just had a baby and was having a hard time keeping my emotions and weight in check. My husband tried to be supportive and said and did all the right things, but in my mind I always thought it was because he had to not because he wanted to.

When my affair partner and I met he was a great comfort to me and I was able to see myself through his eyes and he gave me the attention and support that helped lift me to where I needed to be.

Things became physical quite quickly between us and each time we slept together I felt better and better about myself. After about a year and a half we started seeing less and less of each other but I was finally in a place emotionally that I could go on with my marriage and family life without him.

We remain in touch and spent some time together after the New Year. There is no doubt that we will always be sexually attracted to each other and will probably sleep together whenever we see each other but it is no longer the continued affair it was.

 So does your husband know your sleeping with someone else?
helpful (3) 
 Wow! What a selfish person you are and what a shit excuse for having an affair. Your husband tried to make you feel loved and supported so you found someone else. You don't deserve him. Hope he knows about your extracurricular sexual activities.
helpful (10) 
 No, he doesnt know and I wouldnt want him to. Not because I want to be secretive but because he really hasnt done anything ti deserve it and I dont want to see him hurt in anyway.
helpful (7) 

My husband hasn't paid me attention for years Iv chased him begged and worked so hard to get on the same page
He's done some shitty things over the years and been so selfish at time and Iv been nothing but good and given him all that's good in his life stood by him when others wouldn't have

Over the years the resentment built up and I just snapped.
I didn't care
I don't care
But the kids are so young it's not a good time
In a few years I'll leave

I should have waited it wasn't suppose to happen but it did

I feel bad on some levels but others I just think meh he's probably doing it to me too.

It's not something I'm like super proud of but it's also not something I'm necisarily ashamed of I don't mind telling some people.

Personally I think people are selfish and crave attention. Spin in anyway you want cheating is still cheating and it's disgusting. Not happy?? Leave!

 Totally agree!
helpful (2) 
OP I absolutely agree with this too.
In this case, she says that she was quite happy in her marriage. Her husband gave her everything she wanted, worked hard, took her on holidays etc but so did the boyfriend. She was doted on by two men. Obviously wonderful for her ego.
She wants both men now. Doesn't want to give up her boyfriend but still wants her husband.

helpful (0) 
 Wants her cake and eat it too
helpful (0) 
 ⬆️ I don't think it's cake she's eating ⬆️
helpful (4) 
 Hahahaha that comment killed me lol
helpful (2) 
 I agree. And this is coming from a cheater.
If i was inhappy in my previous relationship I should have left rather than being lazy and staying.
Life is too short to waste precious time on those who you just arent that into.

helpful (0) 
helpful (0) 

Looks can be deceiving. Nobody knows what goes on in another person's marriage but the two in it.

 Not even then if someone is having an affair
helpful (2) 

I was seriously considering topping myself.
He came into my life for a reason.
I was so numb I had no idea what I was doing.
Once he realised, he shifted his focus and helped me through it.
I am alive today because I cheated.
Hubby will never know. I don't think he even realised I was depressed.
A part of me feels ashamed. The other part thanks the guy for realising my situation and helping me through it.


Keep telling yourself that. Enjoy your excuse ridden denial darl.

helpful (1) 
 I will cuddle you when i see you next xx
helpful (0) 

Why are people’s affairs other people’s business? Why are you shocked? Sounds like if he didn’t find out nobody was getting hurt. Five years is a long time for a woman, she obviously wasn’t planning to leave her husband. Maybe she used the affair to spice up her marriage? I think it’s sad he found out and got hurt. As for the affair...meh.

OP I'm not making it my business. Other than asking a question on an anonymous forum.
I'm shocked because I didn't see it coming. They always looked so happy together. No biggie - just the best way I could describe what I thought when I found out.

helpful (1) 
 I recently watched a YouTube video on this. The reason the couple appear happy when there is a 3rd party involved is the cheater is getting all their needs met, filling any gaps with the affair partner. So they have no need to cause any conflict in the marriage and turn a blind eye to their irritating habits (think dirty socks on the floor, dirty dishes left out ect ect) essentially they are a happy couple.
helpful (1) 

Because he would rather masturbate than f**k me so i need to look for my kicks elsewhere

helpful (0) 

I dunno why’! I guess some people just simply don’t care, others have no impulse control, feeling a little incontent in your relationship. Who knows there’s a thousand reasons and more!

Me and my husband just celebrated our 7th anniversary, I admit I’ve been having the “itch” the infamous 7 year itch! I would NEVER go behind his back and seek another guy out. I’ve spoken to him about it and he agrees he’s had an itch once or twice. So we’re discussing 3somes/swinging. Something a bit out there (for us) that we’re both comfortable with!

Communication! You cannot expect someone to fulfill your needs if you don’t tell them what those needs are.

I think I got off track!

 Same. 7 year itch for sure so exploring threesomes. Exciting!
helpful (0) 
 Op of this comment!
How are you with the thought of him being with another woman?
I think I’m ok with it hahaha as long as I’m there!

helpful (0) 

I haven't cheated on my husband but if I did it would b because he has a very low sex drive. I have tried everything and the rejection used to hurt (I would cry) now it's like a numb feeling and I don't think that's any better.
I deserve to be desired and romanced and despite many times that I have communicated what I want and need and nothing has changed so i guess some women get fed up and look elsewhere to feel something physical because husbands just don't want to anymore

 Oh no that’s so sad :( wouldn’t be a nice feeling
helpful (0) 
 Hugs to you.
helpful (0) 
 Thanks ladies I'm sure it will turn around but i would never cheat this is just my justification if I were to
helpful (0) 
 Surely you would come to some kind of agreement with your husband regarding your physical needs, or leave if it couldn't be resolved rather than having an affair?
helpful (0) 
 Of course Yes
helpful (0) 
 I was in the same situation. 4 years down the track I found his internet history and realised he had a porn addiction.
Once I found that everything came to light and he got help and things are now finally better (most of the time).
I completely understand how you feel. Just make sure you don't stay so long that you lose yourself or your self worth along the way. You are amazing and there are plenty of guys out there who'd love to bang you 😉

helpful (2) 

Abusive relationship.

 This is definately a reason
helpful (1) 

I read a news article on this the other day ‘why do seemingly happy couples have affairs’ and the basic answer is lust. Which apparently, according to the article is near impossible to resist but I disagree. It is easy enough to control yourself. Especially if you’re happy in your relationship. I also think the answer is sometimes not as simple as lust. Sometimes I think an affair is a symptom of something greater.

People are selfish and only thinking about their own needs rather than the relationship.

Because I'm fly in fly out and here for a month.... it's just sex on tap and Iv never had a strong will.

I secretly like my double life too... at home I'm housewife prom and proper

At work I'm an easy lay and can have anywhere from2-7 guys on the go...

They've all mostly got families too so it's convenient

For me, it was about personal fulfillment. My husband sees me as a mother and a maid. He stopped treating me like a woman. We rarely have sex unless trying for more kids and my pleasure was deprioritized. It had been 8 years since I'd had an orgasm from him.

 Then why not leave him? Rather than cheating
helpful (1) 
 I eventually did, but it took another man's attention to show me I was still a woman in addition to being a mother.
helpful (11) 

He was a narcissistic POS who has slowly cut off most of my friendships and family support. He tried to financially trap me and destroy my self worth.
Cheating on him was the push I needed to leave. No one knows what I did, but doing it changed my life for the better.

 Are you still together or did it give you the strength to leave?
helpful (0)