Ask SAHM is a place where you can ask our staff & community a question safely & anonymously. Please read our disclaimer.

How do you deal with a horrid delusional narcissist Mother Who cant love you, is not grateful for anything shes ever gotten in life and passive aggressively dislikes you......her own daughter?

My Mother took everything when dad died despite having been divorced from him for nearly 20 years. She told me at the time she was looking after it till she deemed me responsible enough. I'm nearly 40 I was 19 and living with him when he died. Shes blown most of the money, She threw me out of my home and sold it to buy a shitty unit. When I got Married she said shed sell the unit and give me money to renovate my house which I saved for and bought with my husband.
Recently shes decided to retire in the unit and I can sell it when she dies.
She cantrelease any of my inheritance to me yet she will be doing major reno's to it before she moves in.. but shes broke? And her life is so stressful because that unit is too small to fit her lovely furniture and she just cant cope.

I really want to just cut ties with her but shes the only grandparent my kids have and she will make it impossible for me to have relationships with my siblings and extended family.
She treats me like shit.


Got an Answer?

Answers (6)

My husband and his brothers had the misfortune of having two narcassistic parents. As an outsider, the hold the parents had on their kids is quite scary. they would (particularly the father) manipulate them against each other, tell lies, gaslight what ever it took to get what they wanted. The affect on the family was so damaging. I particularly hated watching my husband jump through hoops trying to please his dad and get his love and respect. It was never going to happen. He played games with them all and now the family is destroyed. The only way to deal with a narcassist is to not play. Get rid of her out of your life before she damages it even more. Your kids will be better off without her manipulations and drama. Your extended family have sat back and let you deal with it. Stuff them, let them deal with her. If they want to have contact then it should be under your terms; you don't want nothing to do with your mum. Not your problem anymore.

 My MIL is the same, her kids are so oblivious to how crazy she is, she has said and done the most horrific things to them and they do nothing but praise her and back up her delusions of how perfect she is. I think they have been almost trained to do it because its the only way they get attention from her, if they are not in her good books she makes life a living hell.
helpful (0) 

Does she treat everyone else like shit or just you? Do family know she treats you like shit? I think you have to cut ties. Let her become someone else’s problem and then they’ll see why you had to cut ties. Family may become more supportive of you if they see what’s really going on.

That was irresponsible of your father to not have will. But it is what it is.
I’d say it would be more damaging to your kids to have a narcissistic grandparent than no grandparent? If you’re wanting to cut mum out I’d try to reach out to siblings before cutting mum out - maybe you could get them to say you’ve cut them out too so she doesn’t ask about you or try to manipulate them to talk to you. and then set boundaries that they don’t talk about your mum? If you feel you need justification to cut mum out to your siblings you could always blame it on a counsellor ‘the counsellor recommended cutting mum out’ etc.

How did she end up with everything of his if divorced for 20 years?

 By default. New will not finalized so public trust went off old will
helpful (0) 

They know, no one thinks it's right but no one speaks up either. They just let me deal with it.

 Because you are dealing with it. You would have their support then if you stopped. It is hard for anyone to help someone who won’t help themselves.
helpful (0) 

She stole your money. Was it left to u in the will or to her?