View other questions

Ask SAHM is a place where you can ask our staff & community a question safely & anonymously. Please read our disclaimer.

Seriously considering leaving my husband due to the sulking because of what he believes to be "not enough sex"

Answered 17 days ago

I have been married for 12 years. We have 3 amazing kids and a great life. However, we met when I was 19 and carefree. We had sex multiple times a day. Since then life got crazy and my sex drive went down. At a minimum we make love once a week. Our max at the moment is probably 4 times. I literally reject him 10 times a day/night. Not because I'm nasty but because I'm bloody tired! I work full time in child protection for DHS. It's a stressful role plus 3 kids, a house etc. He will sulk and complain for hours after I say no. I'm just so over it. I'm ready to walk away because I'm sick of the guilt! A good friend told me today that I should be grateful that he is still interested in me after so long together. I was so insulted and hurt I made a fake phone call so I could leave our coffee date. I just can't take it anymore. Any advice?

Have an answer?

2000 characters left.

Answers

ANSWER
1 month ago
I came across this old thread as am in a similar situation with my wife. We have two kids (6 and 9). Whilst i try to help out as much as I can, she does much more of the housework than I do and has most of the mental load but she also has much more time than I do since she is a full time Mum and I work 50 hrs a week as a lawyer. She's told me again and again that i just have a higher sex drive than she does and I'm just going to have to get used to it etc. I love her very much indeed, but I feel like a good relationship needs quality, regular sex to survive. We last did it about 3 months ago.

Just as a question - to those who have intimated above that they feel as my wife does, how would you feel if your husband asked you straight out if they could seek a sex-only relationship with another woman, perhaps a married one in the same situation?

REPLY
23 days ago
Not sure partner swapping is your answer their champ.

REPLY
23 days ago
No way! Play with yourself I'd say

REPLY
23 days ago
I’d be fine with it. Hopefully it would bring more to our own relationship. My husband has a lover and I really appreciate what I brings to our relationship. I’d have sex every day but he needs more than me.

REPLY
20 days ago
I'd be hurt, furious, insulted and horrified. Cheating however you dress it up is not right. How is that fulfilling your vows and staying faithful. What a dishonourable and selfish thing

REPLY
17 days ago
Quite the variety of views here. However, I think if you ask for and receive permission it's not cheating as there is no element of deceit. hence my question: how would you feel if he asked, not how would you feel if you found out he had done it?

ANSWER
20 days ago
If you don’t want that and he does maybe you need to allow him to go elsewhere... massage etc set rules or he’ll sadly find someone to leave with.

ANSWER
1 month ago
Why did you trap him then!! I’m the same as your husband not as bad as him with the begging and asking for it that much... but I’m always having to initiate it and try as my partner has what seems to me no appetite. Women need to learn one thing...
Don’t offer it on tap early on if ya can’t sustain in. Us men hold on to the begging and it’s what we fell in love with ... women have a knack of killing a relationship. It’s shit ...

REPLY
5 months ago
Goes both ways though. If a man cant keep it up no matter the age and pushes a woman away he only has himself to blame. No wonder people look elsewhere for affection and a quick wbtm no one has the energy to do anything these days. If you have to beg for it its not working or healthy!


REPLY
5 months ago
Here's a tip - if you want sex more often, stop blaming your wife. Do HALF the housework, cooking, childcare, and most importantly, carry half the mental load of family admin (school stuff, lunches, meal planning, finances, gifts, sorting kids problems, buying clothes for your kids, organising holidays, vacation care, etc.). There's so freaking much to think about ALL THE TIME it's like carrying a skyscraper on your shoulders. I can tell you now - my husband would get sex A LOT more often if he did. It's hard to desire someone who doesn't share the household load, but expects you to put out at a moment's notice!!

Oh, and groping is gross. It's a massive turn off. So is every hug coming with the expectation of it leading to sex.

REPLY
5 months ago
^^ I fucking love you x

REPLY
1 month ago
I totally agree. I can't stand a man who can't be affectionate and loving to me with out the intent of it always leading to sex. Sounds dumb but it makes me feel the opposite of safe and if anything I feel pressure.

REPLY
1 month ago
Have you been in a relationship longer than a few months? It is very normal for that new relationship feel to end and the amount of sex to lessen. It isn’t a conspiracy that women devise to ‘trap’ a man. It’s just what happens after time. Relationships are work. It has to be 50/50. There needs to be communication, openness, honesty and understanding. From both of you. If you feel in love with the sex, then you’re quite one dimensional. And very unrealistic.

REPLY
21 days ago
With that kind of attitude what do you expect?

ANSWER
5 years ago
I could of written this myself last night especially. I cried myself to sleep because he constantly wants sex. If I reject him he raves on about me not loving him anymore. We have a ten year age gap. He always says it's not normal for a 27 yr old to not want sex. I feel drained from the roller coaster ride of being harassed and then the arguments that follow after rejection. I cry just wanting to have a libido so I didn't have to deal with constant arguments about it.

REPLY
6 months ago
Where did you end up after this? Same position here...age gap and all

REPLY
23 days ago
I wish my husband would ask me for sex. I’m totally up for it every day after 30 years of marriage.

ANSWER
1 month ago
If he's complaining about 1-4 times a week after 12 years of marriage and kids then he definitely needs someone to smack him across the back of the head and to tell him to wake up to himself! What a douche! And your friend sounds like a bitch.

REPLY
5 years ago
My thoughts exactly!!!

REPLY
1 month ago
Ditch the friend.

REPLY
23 days ago
I wonder if the friend spoke out of envy - i.e. maybe her husband doesnt find her attractive or desirable any more, hence the “you’re lucky he makes the move” comment - because NOT making a move makes the friend feel worse.

ANSWER
23 days ago
I have the opposite problem. I would have sex with my husband every day if only he wanted it but he doesn’t. He’s not attracted to me anymore and my libido is through the roof 😖

ANSWER
23 days ago
This is why old people’s marriages lasted
My in laws celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary on weekend
They are 79 and 85

ANSWER
5 years ago
Let him know that if he really loves and respects you than these guilt trips he's giving you need to stop! He needs to understand that everyone's sex lives go through ups and downs and he should be patient. Also make it clear that this "not enough sex" attitude is no excuse to cheat if that's what he's thinking.

REPLY
1 month ago
Yep and let him know also that sooking for it is just an utter turn off. Maybe if he backed the hell off for a while it would leave you the opportunity to long for him but there is no room to breath by the sounds of it.

ANSWER
5 years ago
It's not fair of your husband to expect so much, then when you can't/won't have sex he gives you the guilt trip or rides you about it. Essentially, he's attempting to emotionally blackmail you into putting out. Not fair at all. I think between 1 and 4 times a week is a very healthy amount of sex and thw pressure he is putting in you for more is not right. I don't know that it warrants leaving him just yet- try laying down the law and tell him how he makes you feel. If you guys can't compromise and work this out then maybe it is the end.

REPLY
1 month ago
I agree, he is trying to manipulate you, and men simply don't understand that the more they push for it and pout for it - it's TOTALLY off putting!

ANSWER
1 month ago
My husband and I are in the same situation but reverse roles. I would like it 4 times minimum a week. Doesn't have to be a long process. Just jump in the shower with me for a quickie spontaneously. Or when the kids nap on the weekend rather than working on garage stuff while I clean we could have a quick roll in the hay. I mean my period week don't come near me but for the other 3 weeks it should be on at any moment. We also have inlaws 20 minutes away so it annoys me that we don't make the most of that and have child free couple of hours.

REPLY
5 years ago
Me too. It truely sucks being rejected😔 I get so jealous of couples who have weekly/ fortnightly sex.

REPLY
1 month ago
Feel sorry for your husband. He is a person not your personal sex slave. I hope he left you years ago, bitch.

ANSWER
1 month ago
You should leave him so he can find somebody better and more deserving. Someone that us willing to meet their partners most basic needs without acting like he is the problem for having those needs. You dont deserve to be married.

ANSWER
5 years ago
Maybe tell him to whack of over porn like most men.

ANSWER
5 years ago
im on your friends side

ANSWER
5 years ago
Tell him yes... After he has done the washing dealt with the kids cleaned the kitchen cooked the meal AND after you've had a shower and nap... Then you would be more than happy to bonk his brains out... Tell him you are serious.... wait for the reaction then ask why/why not lol xx

ANSWER
5 years ago
I get sick of my hubby asking for it all the time too! When I get into bed at the end of the day exhausted it's the last thing I want to do I'm tired! It's wearing isn't it. He gropes me all the time, always sticks his arm out & blocks me as I try & walk places around the house for a grope or hug. After 20 years yes it's nice he's still interested but I feel sexually harassed & annoyed by it all the time. He's respectful when I say no & is a very loving & tactile person with a high sex drive but I'm not & it's just so annoying ALL THE TIME. I love him to bits but wish he'd just leave me alone.

REPLY
5 years ago
Yes, this!! Im in the exact same situation!!

REPLY
5 years ago
Yes this is me too! my husband follows me around the house all day when he's home... The groping and blocking and occasional playful butt slap (Which I hate) just makes me want it less :(

REPLY
5 years ago
OP the above reply. Oh the butt slap I hate that, always when I'm about to go number 2's! I'm not going to announce my toilet plans in case he butt slaps me, that's humiliating. Last time I just exploded & asked him to leave my ass alone....he has. He may be my husband but this post has got me thinking I need to talk to him about his behaviour & how it makes me feel...I dont want to have sex when I'm asked for it constantly or feel like a sex object. It's degrading, disrespectful & puts me off even a hug (which always turns sexual) or interaction with him. Last night he was turned on, just the sight of his swollen penis made me feel revolted & dirty (a new feeling).

ANSWER
5 years ago
For a full time worker mum with 3 plus everything else to upkeep its understandable you're tired. You must take the time out for yourself, do some form of exercise or whatever makes u feel good as you're low on endorphins my love. Be thankful he still wants you and share those endorphins and they will all come together and manifest and you'll be back to yourself in no time.

ANSWER
5 years ago
My husband was exactly the same...every second night at a minimum wasn't enough. I worked full time and we had two children. I also work in child protection.
My marriage ended..my kids are happier and I still work in child protection. The job has contributed to the end of so many marriages in the fifteen years I've been working in this field. Cut yourself some slack and tell him to grow up. You have a stressful job and don't need to come home to an inconsiderate fool.

ANSWER
5 years ago
I agree with your friend but do understand that being a busy, working Mum can leave you absolutely exhausted.
Just be careful that your rejection doesn't encourage him to stray to find the intamincy he's obviously craving.

REPLY
5 years ago
But he's getting the intimacy he wants. 4 times a week is hardly not getting any. Marriage is about understanding and compromise. He sounds like a petulant toddler stamping his feet when he isn't getting his way.

REPLY
5 years ago
4 times a week yes but obviously not getting what he craves for a lot of people it is alot or enough, for others maybe like this husband it is not.

REPLY
5 years ago
I get that, but because it isn't enough for him she needs to give him what he wants? Maybe he can resort to self help the other 3 days a week. Getting it that often is hardly neglect. I'd be more sympathetic towards him if he was getting it once a month or so, but as it I think he needs to compromise here.

REPLY
5 years ago
Im not saying she should just give it up when he wants it, just that when people aren't getting what they want from a relationship and are feeling rejected that it can make people look outside of their marriage to get what they crave, females do it to, tends to be for more their emotional needs arent being met. A relationship is a two way street you have to make sure everyone is getting what they need from the relationship, and yes that requires compromise and understanding, but that can go both ways that this wife isn't understanding her husbands needs, as well as the husband not understanding how the wife is feeling, communication is key.

REPLY
5 years ago
Perhaps she has compromised. Perhaps she is only really wanting it once a week, but is able to give it 4 times a week. She didn't say in her post. I'd hope that since she is considering ending her marriage over this, she has tried to meet him half way. But what I take from her post is that he doesn't understand her tiredness and just makes demands of her. She said she's tired from working a demanding job, I wonder if he has tried to take some of the burden from her rather than just thinking about himself and his needs. When I'm tired, sex is the last thing I want. And being hassled for sex is quite off putting. Being hassled doesn't make me want my man more.

REPLY
5 years ago
Your right she might have but so has he going from 7-14 times a week to 1-4 is a big compromise as well.
there are always 2 sides to every story, your right though maybe if he helped out more she would be less tired and feel up to it, who knows, hopefully they can talk and find some sort of happy medium.

REPLY
5 years ago
He's not really compromising if he's sulking and complaining

ANSWER
5 years ago
Oh that's a shitty situation. My poor hubby, he gets it far less than that and is a champ about it. He understands that after a day of having a 12month old constantly pawing at my boobs, and the older kids clambering for my attention, I'm just not keen on another person touching me. Your husband sounds incredibly childish, maybe you need to have it out with him and tell him that your ready to leave. An argument allows you to get it all out and hopefully clear the air.

REPLY
5 years ago
Wish my hubby was more understanding, I have a 10month old plus two older and when hubby gets home I just don't want his hands all over me.

ANSWER
5 years ago
I do think you should be greatful that your husband is still as in love and as Interested as when you first met, but I also think your husband needs to appreciate and be grateful for you as well, you do a lot for him and the kids and house and life does get in the way. Its a 2 way street you need to comunicate how you feel and so does he.

a lot of relationships do fall apart because of sex, people not getting what they want out of a relationship "makes"them look outside of the relationship, not just because of sex but not feeling appreciated is another. That doesnt make it ok or right but It does happen, you need to open the lines of communication.

ANSWER
5 years ago
Get rid of your friend she is completely out of line.
Maybe see if you can work part time, and when he complains about not enough sex say you wish he earned more money?

ANSWER
5 years ago
Tell him you would have more energy forn sex if you had less to do. It's true and onceyan learned to stack the dishwasher "the right way," he looks pretty sexy doing it!

ANSWER
5 years ago
Sex requires both of you, so the amount of sex you have should be agreed upon by BOTH of you. His desire to have sex does not trump your desire NOT to have it. If you are already having more sex than you would like to in order to accommodate his needs, he should count himself lucky. If he needs more he could always try masturbation. I agree with others - it's totally unfair of him to make you feel bad about it.