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I can't handle being around my partner's kids

Answered 2 months ago

After 3 years together I've managed to avoid them for the last 3 months. Today we had my kids and his and went on a family outing. His kids irritate me so much. They make me angry and I just don't like them. They aren't bad kids but I just have zero tolerance for their whinging and fighting, on top of my kids' whinging and fighting. His 9 year old daughter screamed in my face today so I grabbed her by the wrist and let her know that wasn't ok. The mood went downhill after that. They visit 3 out of 4 weekends. I'm just going to go back to avoiding them on the weekends. I tried for 3 years to build a relationship but after dad being their friend and always saying yes to them and their mum saying shit about me, I think the friendship boat between me and them has sailed. I'm happier without them in my life. Do you think my partner will understand?

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Answers

ANSWER
2 months ago
I am going through the same

ANSWER
2 months ago
You should just avoid them on the weekends and keep your kids to yourself, they need you more. They need to know they have to behave well with the kids are together, I think he would understand if a week without the kids was o.k. but that's already happening. I would see a counsellor and talk about his kids on the weekend.

ANSWER
1 year ago
Hope I have the right answer for you, but I'm not sure if I'm correct. I think you should talk to your partner and he should understan. After all it sounds like you both have been in the relationship for some years now, and I'm sure you at least made an effort to get along at first with those children. Even tho they are just kids , they should behave better and don't disrespect you. He should step up and put them in their place if he noticed how rude they are to you. I'm a 29 year old male with 2 kids of my own , I've been I a relationship with my girlfriend who's also my age for 1.5 year. She has 3 kids of her own and she has full custody. I know how hard it must be for you to have to put up with them. I have my stepchildren who are 10, 9 and 5 , 24/7 and they tend to be a hand full. People don't understand how hard it is for a stepparent to get along, even to like someone else's children. I love my girlfriend, she is beautiful, sweet, caring, she is just an amazing person but I don't like her kids most of the time. I have talk to her about them and how I feel about her kids, even tho I'm up to help her raise them she knows I dislike most of the stuff they do, and she understands it. Sorry to say but I think thier dad had a lot to do with how badly they behave. We can't even go out to a restaurant or a store without them fighting or screaming to one another. Just getting into the SUV becomes a mess and yelling ground. Even tho she allows me to correct them in anyway, and I do try to help her raise them is super hard. But she does understand when I want to be left alone or when they are flat out getting in my nerves, she tells them off. Even tho I know she feels bad because she sees that I'm upset and not in the mood she tries to calm things down by talking to then. I think that's what your partner should do if he really cares about your relationship. I know he loves his kids to dead just like I love mine, but he should keep in mind that those will forever be his kids no matter what and one they they will leave and live their life, but you or whomever he's is with might not always stay with him and he should also care and cherish that special person, you.

ANSWER
1 year ago
At least he’s not 10 years old lying and stealing money. I washed my hands with this kid, I’m done! It’s been 3 years of this 🙄

ANSWER
2 years ago
Im a step dad and I live with my partner and her kids full-time. I don't like them a huge amount and I have struggled with it. But if I want to be with my partner, I have to put up with them and be pleasant and try to find something about them that's positive so they can grow on me.
My partner made it very clear from the start of our relationship that the kids are number one and if I don't like them I should look for a childless women to be with.
Sometimes it seems as if she doesn't consider how hard it is to parent someone else's kids. But I get that they are kids and her kids and they should be number one. We don't get alone time, all holidays we have the kids come. She doesn't want to miss out on fun times with them. Sometimes I would like just a getaway with no kids. But they'll be out of home soon enough and we can have our alone time then.

ANSWER
2 years ago
I am lucky
My step kids are 18,20,24 and 30
They live 45 min to 2 hours away
Hubby visits them once a month to see grandkids

ANSWER
2 years ago
I have two beautiful babies with a girl I love ...actual graveyard love. When it’s the 4 of us things are fine if not great and sometimes perfect. ... the way I want my life and my children’s life to be. The biggest problem is that she has two girls 12 and 15 from 2 previous relationships and who’s fathers are literal scum dead beats. One has never been around and the other only comes around to cause our lives stress and make trouble.
These kids have no guidance from their mother and the reason we actually agree on is that she overcompensates for the rocky life they had before I was around. These kids are nothing but rude and do everything they can to cause shit in my life and my relationship with their mother and even try and warp my children 2and4 into having an attitude and even hatred towards me.
This situation is so sickening. My wife has never once put them in line for the terrible things they have said and how they act on a daily basis. We love each other but The way things have become it’s likely my kids now will grow up in a home without their father... because of the disrespect and straight bullshit put forth by the two girls.
Is that what they want. ?? Is that their goal !?

ANSWER
2 years ago
Google disengage step parenting.

ANSWER
3 years ago
I couldn't stand my partners whingy kids but sucked it up and made a huge effort to fake it. But the deadbeat used me as the excuse not to see them. So of course his whole family and kids and ex just thought I was the antichrist. If I was you I'd get out while you can.

REPLY
2 years ago
Great idea. Run firvthe hills as it doesn’t change

REPLY
2 years ago
Deadbeat? I’m guessing by that you are no longer together?

ANSWER
3 years ago
3 out of 4 weekends is a lot
Try asking partner if he can ask ex to change it every Second weekend

REPLY
3 years ago
What!? Seeing his kids 6 days a month is too much? What planet are you on?

REPLY
3 years ago
Why should the mum have 3 weekends in a row to herself
Dad has one weekend off a month

REPLY
3 years ago
Um he would get about 24 days a month "to himself" when mum would get 6 days. Oh but wait, he's a male so they are instantly doing it tougher because they had to give up a weekend to care for their own children, poor guy! The mum should totally step up here, she's being selfish.

REPLY
2 years ago
"why should mum have three weekends off in a row to herself" what the actual fck? Whoever wrote that is an idiot. Maybe she's working, maybe she's not, maybe it's Dads arrangement, maybe it's no one else's business what she does on her weekends.

My kids dad has them school holidays. Why should I get every school holiday period to myself. Oh my god I'm a monster. Stupid people in this world

REPLY
2 years ago
Well I think why should the mum have to deal with the weekday school run getting organised bullshit when dad has the fun time on the weekends???

ANSWER
2 years ago
I understand you completaly. I do not like my partner’s kid and I do not like him around his kid. And yes, he likes my kids very much. I know it is not fair. I tried everything to like them both but I don’t. I just don’t.

REPLY
2 years ago
I'm in the same boat, I stoped his kids staying in my house and now I'm the bad one for it... It got to a point where every time I see his kids I get in a bad mood. I feel so bad for my partner but I cant help disliking them. Doesn't help he has 2 kids with 2 mum's and both mum's spoilt the shit out of the kids, then I have to deal with 2 spoilt brats when they come to mine. I love my partner but having to deal with his kids and the nasty mum's is really making me consider breaking up with him

ANSWER
3 years ago
Time to move on for his kids sake!!!

REPLY
3 years ago
Whose kids ?

REPLY
3 years ago
For her sake you mean. His kids sound like shits.

ANSWER
3 years ago
Op here. We’ve just had a weekend away and had an awesome time. I’ve relaxed my expectations and he’s doing more parenting. I’ve learned to ignore a lot of the behaviours and leave him to manage them. Funny this post popped up today. I’m in a totally different headspace these days. Feeling totally lucky to be part of a great family

ANSWER
3 years ago
I have some kind of thought about my husband too when his son coming for spring and summer break.sometimes I couldn’t handle my feelings about how he put him as priorities.how he said yes to everything he ask,and his son is a high style class.he like to eat the most expensive food and wear expensive clothes and stuff.its so far big different then us because we trying to save some money to buy a house.As a new married woman I don’t know how it felt to have a kids and i got jealous.

ANSWER
3 years ago
You don't have to spend time with them. My partner and I live separately, we only see each other a little while he has his kids or I have mine.

ANSWER
3 years ago
I really struggle. My partner has five children to three different mums and now we have three grandchildren - but - hands in the air I never wanted children because I’m selfish and jealous.

Initially I realised my partner was running away from his feelings of inadequacy so arranged some family events to help him be what he wanted to be.

Now the beast has become huge. Christmas lasts a week, Uf they din’t Live with me now they will soon and I seem to be the one to organise everything and then no one cares whether I’m there or not.

I want to leave ... but ... I think I will leave a more connected family behind me.

ANSWER
3 years ago
How's he treat your kids? If you have them all month and he's good to them can you ignore ignore his kids or fake it for the weekend. If he is not nice to yours then thats different but it sounds like you are happy with everything except his kids but they are part of it. if he treated yours like you treat his would you be happy, if yes then ok if no then the problem might be you

ANSWER
3 years ago
Sad life for you and the step kids and your kids and your partner
Couldn't live like that

ANSWER
3 years ago
This is why some men or women won't date anyone with a child or children

ANSWER
3 years ago
why do you want to be with somebody who doesnt appear to parent his kids, and lets them believe what their mum says about you without correcting them?

REPLY
3 years ago
It's not so black and white as that. I'm not the op but I'm in a very similar situation. My partner parents completely out of guilt so his vocabulary does not include "no" or "that behaviour is not appropriate/acceptable". The bio mum has completely trash talked me to their daughter and as a result our relationship is very strained. I struggle a lot with my step daughter but I continue to try. I am however, still human and I have 2 children of my own so it is quite tiresome. My partner isn't confrontational and he honestly believes ignoring it is best for his daughter.

REPLY
3 years ago
He needs to man up then and change his parenting. Its not doing the kids any favours. I know its not easy but he is their dad. Act like it and be a dad!

REPLY
3 years ago
I wholeheartedly agree but it's not as simple as that. Ive told him that but he doesn't see it. It's not like you can just say it and they snap and don't feel a certain way anymore.

ANSWER
3 years ago
For many combined families, animosity often exists between stepchildren and parents. When you put yourself in your stepdaughter’s shoes, you can imagine how hard it is to suddenly have a new parental figure. But life’s challenges do not merit rudeness. When faced with a disrespectful stepdaughter, you should be direct in addressing that disrespect while at the same time showing your own respect for her.



Express your dissatisfaction. Avoid playing into her game in which she believes she can talk to you on an equal level. Respond to acts of disrespect by immediately addressing them, stressing how such actions make you feel. For example, if your stepdaughter changes the channel while you’re watching TV as an intentional act of rudeness, calmly express how you’re disappointed that she would not consider your feelings before she acts.

Address the cause of the disrespect. Bring up the issue that you believe is driving the disrespect or feelings of animosity between you and your stepdaughter. Young girls tend to act on their negative emotions via acts of passive aggression, such as hiding your things, ignoring your requests or making snide comments. Respond to such actions by asking why she’s doing it. If she feigns ignorance, articulate your own reasons in an inquisitive way and ask her if you’re right. By addressing the issue, you let your stepdaughter know you know she’s feeling bad and that she’s purposefully acting disrespectfully.

Use asking instead of telling. Always use eliciting instead of stating or judging when you have the options. Young girls might feel pushed in a corner when a non-blood relative levels accusations. Psychologist Michael Riera, the author of the book “Uncommon Sense for Parents with Teenagers,” says that putting too many judgments on a child could backfire, leading your stepdaughter to develop the belief that you’re against her. So next time you feel the urge to say, “You’re being difficult just to bother me,” instead ask, “Is there anything I did you make you upset?”

Directly express your expectations. Make it clear to your stepdaughter that while her feelings are important, you, as the adult, have expectations of her. Respectfully state those expectations, backing them up with reasons. When you give her reasons, you let her know that she’s mature enough to know why you have certain rules in place. Psychologist and author John Gottman wrote in his book “Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child” that children tend to place the blame for their own problems on others, such as their step-parents, when they feel embarrassed. Let your stepdaughter know that sometimes it’s OK to make a mistake or two but that striving to meet family expectations should still be a main goal in the household.

REPLY
3 years ago
Copy and paste

ANSWER
3 years ago
See a family therapist

ANSWER
3 years ago
What did you partner do when his daughter screamed in your face and when you grabbed his daughter by her wrist ?

ANSWER
3 years ago
Honestly, if you've tried everything and they keep disrespecting you I would act to my husband like nothing bothers me and make sure there's a few times he sees me trying really hard to get along with them.....then I would suggest a move further away, that way he won't connect the 2 and think you'll just want a change of scenery.

ANSWER
3 years ago
I have a great relationship with my partners kids. When they were little we had them every weekend. I never once tried to take over as role of mum and it was hard when they were their dads main priority over me, but I dealt with it and realised that is what a good dad does. Yes he is like most dads with the dad guilt and wanted to be fun dad, but if I didn't agree or thought it wasn't ok then he had my back and let me discipline his children and taught his children to respect me. There was also never any nasty words spoken about their mum even though at times there should have been. We acted like adults for the kids, yes they have caused me grief in their teenage years trying to rebel and find their place in life, but that's all kids not just step children. Now I'm proud of the young adults they have become and my home is their home.

ANSWER
3 years ago
I don't think this is a way to live the rest of your life. I would either get out of the relationship or make a real effort to get along. Is there a way for you all to do some activities together with both sets of kids. Camping could be a good ritual for you all. Getting away someplace, being together.

REPLY
3 years ago
You can't go camping every weekend when they come over

REPLY
3 years ago
I meant maybe try and get away on school holidays and over time they will appreciate that time together. Family rituals like that and sitting down eating dinner together can bring a family closer.

REPLY
3 years ago
You can't make someone like you

REPLY
3 years ago
I didn't want to be a family with my step dad
Stop forcing step kids be part of your desire to be a family

ANSWER
3 years ago
The camping suggestion is a good one. The experience might be a good bonding exercise for all of you, and its a completely different environment, new, and hopefully exiting, for all the kids. It might be tough at first, if they are all city softies, but will probably be great memories for all of them to look back on when they are adults. Its the experiences that provide the memories, not the "things" they get. Also, getting away from home reduces the tendency for the kids to all whinge as they joggle for supremacy, or are bored, or get taken shopping and demand, demand, demand.
We used to go to a caravan park with his two and my two some weekends, and as adults now they all talk about that as great times. Even though ex and I have long split up, the 4 kids are still quite bonded, keep in touch, and consider themselves family.
I also agree you have to try and make it work if you are going to stay together. Part of your irritation might be its suddenly double the number of whingers. We used to notice a significant reduction in our levels of irritation with each child we did not have, if we were ever free of even one. And it did not matter which kid it was, one of his or one of mine. He had a saying about kids "born to whinge". Looking back, he was right.
Planning for camping might provide an opportunity to discuss with partner kid behaviour standards to be applied to all of them evenly, helping roles, what they will be taught about the outdoors etc.
Maybe books on step-parenting that both you and partner read and discuss might help. It is a really difficult role, and the problems are common across all step parents.
Don't give up.

REPLY
3 years ago
You have been watching too many episodes of the Brady bunch
Sometimes you have to give up

ANSWER
3 years ago
I would move out and see my partner when he hasn't got the kids

ANSWER
3 years ago
What did your partner say when you grabbed his daughter by the wrist ?
She will tell her mum

ANSWER
3 years ago
If the situation was reversed, and he couldn't stand your kids would you understand? I think you need to get to the heart of the problem here and address it. Avoidance will only work for so long. If you're in this for the long haul, find a way to at least be able to tolerate them. It won't get any easier once they become teens.