With a child-free, marital weekend away looming, I recently found myself spread eagled on my beauty therapist’s bed. My darling little beautician asked if the junior therapist could get in on the action.
I agreed, everyone has to learn their craft right? Even if it is vag waxing.
Disrobing, I lumber up onto the bed with all the grace of a drunk, three-legged moose. Leaning in they politely whisper Vietnamese to one another, I can only assume the beautician says, “Holy shit this bitch is hairy! I’ll be here all week, go, run, save yourself!”
The junior therapist disappears. Never to be seen again.
I’ll be honest with you, I’ve let myself go this winter. The last time I groomed was four months ago and it’s all gone amazon. I had almost every square inch of my flesh waxed from the pits down by a very lovely and patient lady. I tipped generously.
Whilst having tufts of hair reefed from my vajayjay, it got me thinking of all the crazy shit us broads to get our bods in tip top shape for summer.
Hit the gym
October is the most popular month for new gym memberships. Aside from January with all those New Year’s revolutions that last until the end of February.
Apply a Good Fake Tan
A winter hibernation leaves your skin with an identity crisis, albino? Off to the salon to don a paper g-string and a shower cap reenacting The Karate Kid’s famous moves in a spray booth. No one wants white inner thighs or pasty arm pit creases.
Whether it’s DIY or downward dog at a salon, hair removal is paramount. Shaving, waxing or depilatory creams, they all require some sort of questionable limb jenga to get in all the nooks and crannies.
When your heels start catching sock lint, it’s time. Soaking those hooves and slicing the callous flesh from your feet with a scalpel-like corn plane, leaves them baby soft. Slap on some coral coloured nail varnish and you’re beach ready.
Sloughing off winter’s accumulation of dead skin cells with a loofah takes effort. Just whip out the belt sander.
Make a bowl of yogurt, honey and banana. Eat a few spoonfuls and dump it on your head. Pinterest says that shit’s good for hair.
Go On a Fad diet
The soup diet
The 5 bite diet
The werewolf diet
The baby-food diet
The master-cleanse diet
The air diet
Yes the air diet. Apparently one can not only survive, but thrive on naught, but air and light.
For like, 5 minutes.
Nothing like a liver cleanse – and then a binge on chocolate and wine on the weekend. It’s totally ok because it’s the cheat day anyway.
Muffin top be gone! Arm flab fadubbadas, away with you! And whatever other BS results these glorified cling film wraps promise. You know, the usual disclaimer of any pyramid scheme product, individual results may vary…
Acclaimed for reducing bloating and flushing your colon of years of fecal build-up, having a hose blasted up your bum is not my idea of fun. I just have nightmares of UK TV nutritionist, Gillian McKeith, with her face buried deep in an icecream container of her patient’s post irrigation poop, telling them they need to eat better. Wretch.
You might be single, looking for your Danny Zuko, summer lovin’, happens so fast. First impressions last right?
Gearing up for the warmer months will see me peruse Pinterest for the perfect summer inspo while eating a bag of cheese flavoured Doritos and settling on Nigella Lawson style burkini. It’s really all I’ve got the motivation for.