I came across some ‘advice’ on the internet the other day, probably written by someone in high school, I can’t be sure, which was a list of things that women should never wear over the age of 30.
You know, because 30 is, like, so, totally, like, old. Or whatever.
I’m closer to 40 than 30 these days and the list left me a bit gobsmacked. It was an American list, so a few things on there didn’t make sense to me (brand names and stuff) but some of the other items that I’m not supposed to wear now that I am such a decrepit senior citizen made me shake my head because a lot of it is in my wardrobe.
It’s not like I get around in public wearing dental floss with my arse cheeks hanging out of my pants or whatever. But if I had the sort of arse cheeks that would allow me to get away with that, I totally would. You only live once and all that.
So to the ageist, body shaming robot who came up with that list, I say this: eat a bag of dicks.
Here are 10 things that I’m supposedly not supposed to wear anymore, but I will anyway. Because f*ck you.
1. Mary Jane Shoes
Supposedly, they look ‘immature and creepy’ on us old birds. Right. I live in flat shoes. In among my various ballet flats and other slip on shoes, I own a few pairs of Mary Janes and I bloody love them. If some 18-year-old thinks that’s creepy, she needs to re-evaluate the definition of that word.
2. Denim Skirts
I had a denim skirt I used to love wearing, but it didn’t fit after my second daughter was born (when I was 29!). I put it away sadly, and had forgotten all about it. I recently found it again in my wardrobe and discovered I could get back into it. I have been wearing the sh*t out of it because why not? Supposedly, I should ‘do my figure a favour and never touch a denim skirt again’. You know, because I’m old and should wear a hessian sack or something.
Leggings should only be worn at the gym and not as pants when you are over 30. I tend to agree, but it applies to everyone, not just us old dears. But if you have a long tunic top and want to wear leggings underneath, why the hell not? You’re concealing the worst offending areas and there’s no camel toe on display. It’s part of my mum uniform and IDGAF.
4. Mismatched Socks
Oh, your socks don’t match and you’re soooooo old! The horror! Get over yourself, seriously. By the time you’ve racked up this many years, love, whether or not your socks match is the least of your worries each day. The fact you’ve managed to locate two socks to put on AT ALL before running out the door to get the kids to school and then do all the other shit on your 4,000 item to-do list can be one of the biggest achievements in your day.
5. Hoop Earrings
Supposedly, these should only be worn by ‘high school girls’. I was a high school girl in the late 1980s/early 1990s and I gotta admit, I rocked them then. I came back to hoops again in my 20s and I’ve been wearing them ever since. In fact, most of my earrings are hoops. I know they suit me because long, dangly earrings look silly on me. Studs have a time and place, but the right sized pair of hoops work much better for my head shape. Yeah, after this long on the planet I know what works for me. Who’d have thunk it?
6. Screenprinted/Graphic T-Shirts
For real? There goes most of the rest of my mum wardrobe. I wear shirts I’ve bought at gigs with jeans a few times a week. Yeah, that was also my wardrobe when I was a uni-student 20 years ago, but it’s comfortable so who honestly cares?
7. Plunging Necklines
Supposedly, the second you turn 30, you need to put your ancient cleavage away. Even if you’ve got a decent rack, it’s like, so old, and shouldn’t be seen. Someone better start handing out infringement notices on the red carpet at the Oscars and the Logies then.
8. Glitter Makeup
If I’m going to take the time and effort to put on an entire face full of makeup to go out somewhere special, I’ll damn well go as sparkly AF if I want to.
Are they for real? When I was younger I always thought of UGGs as more of a nanna brand. But now I’m on this side of 30, I’m told they’re for the younger crowd. Seriously? The advice says, “You do know they make leather styles that are just as comfortable and warm, right?”. Yeah, I do know that. And they aren’t UGGs. They don’t even remotely compare. You will have to kill me to get my UGGs off my cold, cold feet.
10. Anything from the Children’s Department
I take a size 5 women’s shoe. I can pretty much buy the exact same brand name sneakers in the children’s section for about $100 less than if I buy them from the women’s section at my local sporting goods store. As if I am going to listen to this shit.
Wear what is comfortable, what makes you happy, what suits you and what you like. If anyone tells you not to because of your age, tell them to eat a bag of dicks too.