How Much Sex Should I Be Having?

12 min read
How Much Sex Should I Be Having?

How Much Sex Should I Be Having? Are people having more sex than me?

It probably has crossed your mind at one point or another, but how much sex should you be having? What is considered normal, healthy and signs of a strong relationship with your partner. But how on earth do you work out how much sex you should be having?

If you’ve ever seen this question online, most likely the answers you see are a little bit inflated. You know how some people will try to say that they have sex for 5 hours at a time?, well to me, that seems a tad exaggerated. I mean it’s possible….. but not often one has the time available, or energy for a 5-hour rumpy-pumpy session.

The question has been asked many many many times on ASK SAHM, be it a complaint about not getting enough sex, a partner with a higher sex drive than you (or vice versa), the quality of the sex you are having or just wondering out of interest in what other couples are doing in the bedroom.

So just how much should you be having?

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The Research on Getting Down and Dirty

Statistically, the average adult will have sex about 54 times a year, or roughly once a week. A research study was done, and it was discovered that couples who had sex at least once a week were happier in their relationship compared to those who have sex less often. So, is that the correct amount? Once a week?

If you really want to get into the nitty-gritty, here is the Research Study:

A few more stats include:

  • 20 something couples have sex up to 80 times per year
  • 60+ aged couples have sex approximately 20 times per year
  • 70% of Millenials have sex at least once per week
  • 31% of Millenials lost their virginity by age 15
Another study found that if you have sex more often than once a week, well your body isn’t going to give you a gold star.  There are no health benefits by having sex more than a few times a week. So you don’t need to aim for a specific number to achieve unlimited happy hormones, because it will never happen.
There are so many things to consider when it comes to how often you are having sex.
Things like:
  • Your age
  • Your lifestyle
  • Your natural sex drive
  • How you and your partner connect sexually
  • Time available to have sex
  • Quality of your relationship
  • Stress factors
  • Health Issues
  • Pregnancy and Young Children
  • Falling into a Routine
  • Not feeling comfortable sharing your needs with your partner

But is it really about how often you have sex, or is it about the quality of that love making session that matters?

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The Quality of Sex is More Important than Quantity

The type of sex where a woman will just lay there, while he gets his penis in and moves until he ejaculates and then he rolls over to sleep, that isn’t quality sex and is not recommended at all. I’m sure the guy is relieved, but the woman isn’t left with experiencing a sexual release and will probably be left feeling empty and flat (and bored shitless!).
Communicating with your partner about your sexual needs wants and desires will help fuel and fire up your sex drive, and gives your partner a chance to do the same as well.
When you are in a long term relationship, around the second or third year of being together, it’s really normal to start to feel a bit bored with sex. It’s not a bad sign of your relationship, it’s a completely normal thing to experience. Becoming really comfortable with someone may mean that you feel secure in your relationship and it’s often around this time that the conversation of sexual frequency can come up.  You may not agree on how frequently you both should be having sex. Just talk to each other or even get some professional guidance on the matter.
Sex is just one aspect of a relationship. By addressing other areas of your relationship that may need attention, and working on those issues together, you may find that the sex will get better. Open up the line of communication about the frequency of your lovemaking. If you are stuck for ideas – why not try our 30 Day Sex Challenge as a start!
There really isn’t a magic number of how much sex you should be having, it depends on you and your partner and your sexual needs as a couple.
More Reading:  Can a penis be too big?

In the meantime, If you need something to spice things up in the bedroom (even just for yourself), here are some recommendations:

How to Improve the Quantity and Quality of Sex

If you’re not satisfied or your partner complains about the quantity of sex – then a conversation needs to be had about those needs.  But apart from talking to your partner, there are other things you can do to help!

1. Help Yourself First

Masturbation is fantastic.  Not only does it help you know what you like, but it also relieves stress.  If you are finding sex is getting a bit boring, but masturbation is still a turn-on – why not try a bit of ‘mutual masturbation’ (masturbating each other) or try masturbating in front of your partner (if you are comfortable in doing so).  Showing your partner what you like can be the key to turn ho-hum sex into earth-shattering crazy good sex.  It is a great non-verbal way of showing pleasure.

Many women struggle to achieve self-pleasure during manual stimulation – but remember that’s why vibrators were invented. There is now a huge range of sex toys for men too – so why not splurge for him!

More Reading:  5 Amazing Vibrators for Women Doing it For Themselves

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2. Book a Hotel Room (or babysitter) for Uninterrupted Sexy Time

Do you know what isn’t sexy? When you are trying to have sex with your partner and the kids are banging on the door.  Sure, rushed fast sex can be great – but it often isn’t.  If you are looking for a lot more spark in the sack, book some time away from the kids, away from the phone and away from the monotony of real life. For extra brownie points, get a flash room with a spa bath!

Why not look at a Dirty Weekend?

If that is out of the question, invest in a good Wiggles video and a lock for the door! Or ask Grandma – she was there once and will totally understand!


Nookii: The Hot Game for Passionate Lovers

3. Sex Doesn’t Always Mean Penetration

Sex does not mean ‘putting a penis in a vagina’, it can mean a variety of acts.  If you are wanting more sex more often, you need your partner to be just as much into it as you are and that means making your partner happy.  In fact, agreeing on a period without penetrative sex (but everything else) can really get both of you hot and bothered at the tension that it can build…..

Non-penetrative sex ideas include:

  • A good old fashion hand job (both for men and women)
  • Oral sex, cunnilingus or if you are game, anilingus
  • Intimate Massage
  • Blindfold each other and just feel up
  • Dry humping
  • Hot and steamy kissing session
  • Using a vibrator
  • Mutual masturbation
  • BDSM – many BDSM activities don’t involve actual penetration

There are even non-penetrative vibrators available now!


The Womanizer Liberty by Lily Allen is a ‘Clitoral Sucking’ device

4. Girls, Practise Your Kegels!

Kegels are your pelvic floor muscles and when you exercise them regularly, they make sex better (also you won’t pee yourself when you sneeze or jump on the trampoline).  You can do your kegel exercises anywhere – no one will ever know! You can even buy kegel training sets like this Tracey Cox Supersex Training Set below.


The Tracey Cox Supersex Kegel Training Set from Lovehoney

If you have never exercised your Kegels, here’s how:

  • Breath out totally
  • When you breathe in, imagine that you have a straw in your vagina and you are trying to suck up liquid through the straw
  • Hold this liquid in for as long as you can
  • Relax

If you can do a few of these each and every day, your Kegels will soon get stronger and tighter!

5. Lubrication is Sublime

Many couples are still hesitant to use lubricant when having sex.  Many couples are under the impression that a woman should produce as much lubricant as is needed during sex – but this isn’t always the case. We might not quite be as turned on as usual or we might be a bit dehydrated or we just produce less natural lubricant as we age. The thing is – lube is awesome and can make monotonous sex into something quite slippery and wonderful.  There are so many different types of lubricant to try. Even a ‘Peppermint Lube’ that makes you tingle!

Lube is a simple and cheap way of improving sex for both parties!  It comes in so many different flavours, there is cold lube and lube that heats up when it is applied to body heat – they are all super fun to try!

And if you are into the ‘Chocolate Cha Cha’ ie Anal Sex – there is lubricant specifically for that!

Wet Stuff Peppermint Tingling Lubricant 100ml

6. Good Personal Hygiene is Sexy

If you want to have sex, is your body sex-ready?  Have you brushed your teeth, groomed, have you had a shower and applied deodorant?  Is your hair clean?  A clean body is a sexy body.  Other parts of the body to pay attention to include:

  • Toenails: ensure they are neat and trimmed.  Nothing is more of a turn-off than long dirty disgusting nails.
  • Ears – nothing is grosser than seeing ear wax in your ear.
  • Girls – shave your legs and pits if that is something you are into to make you feel sexy.
  • Fella’s – a bit of manscaping doesn’t go astray as well. Shave if you shave.
  • Clean your belly button.

7. Help Your Partner Around the House

The reason many women don’t want sex is that we are exhausted.  And we certainly don’t want to get you off after scrubbing pots and wiping dirty bums all day.  The way to convince us to get in the sack?  Do the dishes, vacuum the house, put the kids to bed – be our partner and help us out.

Nothing is sexier than a man doing the dishes.

How to Have More Sex

8. Do a Non-Sexual Activity That Involves Close Contact

Go dancing, play a sport together – an activity that involves your body being close to that of your partner’s body.  This creates closeness and intimacy and releases dopamine – you will fall in love with your partner all over again.

Other ideas include:

  • Go for a swim together
  • Go for a walk and hold hands
  • Spoon in bed
  • Exercise together

9. Make Your Partner Feel Wanted

Send your partner a sexy text message.  Put a pair of panties in your partner’s lunchbox – do something sexy and spontaneous.  Leave them a note about what you want to do to them later on. There is nothing sexier than feeling wanted by your partner.


Lingerie for Men – It’s a thing and it’s hot!

10.  Look After Your Body

A sexy body is a healthy body.  If you want to be wanted, look after your body.  Eat well, exercise regularly – its not only good for your body, its good for your mind too.  Make time to do the things that make you feel good.  If getting your nails and toenails painted make you feel sexy – schedule it and do it for yourself.

I’m not saying boys need a six-pack and girls should be skinny – but take some pride in your appearance for you and your partner.

What if None of This Works?

If you have tried all of these ideas and you are still aren’t getting the sex that you want or need – perhaps consider going to a Sexologist.  A Sexologist is a person who has studied specifically in the science of sex and they specialise in resolving sexual issues.

Sexologists have heard every problem there is when it comes to sex – and has strategies to suit.  They can focus on some of these issues:

  • Excessive Porn Use
  • Erective concerns
  • Inability to Orgasm
  • Gender diversity
  • Painful sex

Sexologists are highly trained professionals (they are not ‘hands on’ like that of a sexual surrogate). There is no nudity or touching involved in seeing a Sexologist.

We hope these tips will give you more of the sex you want!

181363 | Stay at Home

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About Author

Natalie Wilton

Freelance SAHM Writer, Disability Support Worker, Mum to 4 kids, Founder of Freedom Equestrian (Disability Horse Riding), Gympie local and online shop...Read Moreping guru. Loves horses and helping people save money. Read Less

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