Eating with your extended family is always a bit messy.
Here are 60 thoughts everyone has during Christmas lunch.
1. Where are the kids? We just called in for lunch.
2. It’s about time. Lunch “is going to be ready in 30 minutes” “¦ for the past hour-and-a-half.
3. I better get a good seat.
4. I don’t want to sit next to Grandpa. All he does is wink excessively and talk about “loose values” and he smells like grog. A lot of grog.
5. *runs into the dining room.*
7. Furthest from kids table. Awesome.
8. I will never miss sitting at the kids’ table.
9. Where’s Great Aunt Lucy? Oh, already asleep?
10. No, we do NOT need to wait for her. I am really hungry.
11. Time for bonbons. I hate Paper Hats.
12. The toys are always so crappy. And the jokes.
13. I am REALLY hungry right now. I have time to say Grace, but that’s about it.
14. Whaaaa? Dad has to carve the turkey. Why didn’t he do that before we sat down?
15. Watching dad carve the turkey is the Christmas equivalent of watching paint dry. Except I am HUNGRY.
16. Alright, I need to get my hands on the turkey first. I want some dark meat.
17. Crap, why is Bernie taking all the good meat? SAVE SOME FOR THE REST OF US.
18. Please pass the turkey to the left. No?
19. Oh, thanks for the gravy, SHAME I HAVE NO FOOD YET.
20.Why are we eating a hot lunch? Why is Tom in a full Santa suit?
21. It is hotter than Hades out there. Why isn’t anyone talking about how hot it is?
22. Anyone heard of seafood? Salad? I need more champers over here.
23. How much food can I physically fit on my plate? Answer: MY EYES ARE WAY BIGGER THAN MY BELLY.
24. Oh great, Mum went back to the kitchen to grab more hot, hot gravy. We aren’t waiting for you!
25. I just want to eat!!
26. All I have had to eat today is three fun size mars bars.
27. I know. Wonderful breakfast.
28. Are they taking selfies of their food?
29. Hang on, how am I supposed to pass the rolls AND grab the salt while taking some Brussels sprouts? I only have two hands!
30. Everyone calm down! I’m not an octopus!
31. Why are we talking about politics? This will only lead to shouting so loud people are spitting food across the table.
32. DON’T MENTION TONY. WHATEVER YOU DO DON’T MENTION TONY.
33. Shit. Mum mentioned Tony. Here we go.
34. Oh no, grandpa heard her.
35. IT IS ON.
36. PHEW! One of the kids vomited. Crisis averted.
37. Will I have room for dessert?
38. Wait, did I just ask myself if I would have room for dessert?
39. I’m wearing elastic top shorts. Nuff said.
40. Oh no, the conversation is moving to me.
41. Not, to me, just about or at me.
42. “When are we having another kid?”
43. Not sure? Have you met our other kids?
44. (Actually I do know the answer to that: never)
45. Could you stop shouting grandpa? We can’t hear ourselves chew.
46. I am nowhere near drunk enough to be surviving this.
47. More Champers, PLEASE.
48. Is the hot food over?
49. And more important, is it time for dessert yet?50. PAV!!!!!!!!!
51. I’ll have some of that.
52. And I’ll have apple pie AND pecan pie, thank you very much.
53. Yes, that slice. Yeah, the big one. NOT THE SMALL ONE.
54. Stop judging me for wanting three desserts.
56. Think I’m having a food baby.
57. YAAAH. Going to need a lie down to sort this out.
58. All I am capable of doing right now is rolling over to the couch and passing out into a food coma.
59. Merry Christmas!
60. Wake me up when it’s time for leftovers for dinner.