Sometimes when I read books to the kids at night, I wish they were a bit more exciting…
Why can’t they be fun for grown ups too? I nearly peed myself when I saw some of these…. now they aren’t real (well, I don’t think they are anyway – in fact I hope they aren’t!) but they are hell funny! Prepare to wet oneself!
Presenting, 33 totally inappropriate kids books I want to own:
1. Every Time You’re Bad A Kitten Dies
So just prevent yourself from being bad, okay? Because I hate it when cats are dying, no matter how bad I am. Teehee.
2. Taco Bell Destroyed My Anus
Well I guess I’d have to agree with this. Just be prepared if your kid asks you why. Lol!
3. My First Rave Fun With “X”
Looks like the kids were having a lot of fun. Hmmm, now I am curious as to who “X” is. Lol!
4. There’s A Gerbil In My Ass
Hey Dr. Seuss, why so obvious? Bahaha!
5. Because We’re Catholic
Errm, I don’t really get the point, but just don’t introduce this book to your kids if you don’t want to hear questions that you can’t answer.
Yep. You read it. GLUE. Is Glue the name of the baby horse? Or this book is about sticky glue and it just had a photo of two horses as a cover coincidentally? Lol what?
7. The Little Pimp & Ho Wagon
Psssh. Lol. I’m sorry I just shat my pants. *laughs until no voice came out of my mouth* *dies*
8. Charlie Chokes His Chicken
Hnnnng. I can’t even. bahaha
9. Paddington Gets Tanked
No more marmalades for him, eh?
10. Cocaine And How To Sell It
I SHAT MY PANTS version 2.0. I’m sorry I can’t do this anymore. bahahaha
11. Let’s Start A Cult
What a cutesy cult it would be!
12. The Tiger Who Came To Tea
Err, are children’s heads considered as tea nowadays?
13. My First Foot Fetish
Hmmm. I can already smell it from where I am. Huhu.
14. It’s Totally Fucking Fucked Mate, Big Time
This, my friends, is how you teach your kids to cuss.
15. The Enormous Turnip Orgy
This looked Photoshopped, but just keep this one away from your kids. Please.
16. The Worm In My Tummy (And Other Stories of Tropical Diseases)
I got curious whether the worms in my tummy had hats like the one on the cover of this book.
17. Games You Can Play With Your Pussy (And Lots of Other Stuff Cat Owners Should Know)
THIS. KILLED. EVERYTHING. ON. THIS. LIST. bahaha
18. Laying Cable
19. Shopping For Kotex With Mother
“Mum, what’s Kotex?” Learn the basics, kids. Lol.
20. The Runaway Condom
I still can’t believe people Photoshop book covers. But if this is true, then be prepared for a barrage of queries from your kids.
21. The Berenstain Bears and Too Much Porn
Hmmm. I’m curious about bear porn. Not!
22. We Love Your Sister More
Sorry darling, but we do.
23. What The Fuck Is This Shit
Getting better at this craft, huh Dr. Seuss?
24. As Good Of Place As Any (To Lose Your Virginity)
Kids, don’t do IT at the woods. Please.
25. Donny And Marie Join The Klan
26. You Only Need One
Well hun, we must sell some things during the hard times and that includes one of your kidneys.
27. Grandpa Won’t Wake Up
So just let him be, for god’s sake!
28. Junie B., First Grader Home Abortion
Say what now?
29. Timmy’s First Gay Bar
Bahaha. Like seriously?
30. Pop! Goes The Hamster (And Other Fun Microwave Games)
Hmmm hamster flavoured popcorn. Ahihihi!
Because wine is life, kids.
32. Sleeping With Rohypnol
Always, always say NO to drugs, kids.
33. The Strange Object Mommy Got In The Mail
JUST TAKE NOTE OF THE AUTHOR’S NAME. Lololol. Brb I’m dying.
Bwahahahahaha – now if you didn’t laugh at any of those, you don’t have a soul!