Ten Things My Kids Dont Learning Good
Sometimes it’s like all the smarts fall clear out of my kids’ heads. And by sometimes I mean a lot.
How is it they have to be reminded to bring their dishes to the sink after they finish dinner? How is it they can’t remember to take their lunchbox out of their bags when they come home from school? Dirty clothes! How hard is it to remember when they take their clothes off they should put them in the basket, not leave a Hansel & Gretel styled trail through the house so they can find their way back to their room?
I mean, bless their cotton socks and all that, but if they were dogs I’d quickly become a cat person.
To vent my frustration, because my wife is sick of listening to me prattle on about it, I’ve compiled a list of the most frustrating things my little darlings don’t do good.
Despite what they see their grandfathers doing, I’ve told my kids cleaning isn’t a spectator sport. Not that they watch. No, while I’m cleaning one room they’ve destroyed they’re off gutting contents of another. Rather brilliantly, I’ve tried explaining to my kids they might even find picking up toys is just as much fun as dropping them (which seems to be their absolute favourite thing to do in the whole wide world). After you pick toys up, I’ve told them, you get to do that awesome dropping thing by dumping the toys into the toy box. I’m seeing win-win. So far they’ve been a bit slow on the uptake.
2. Hand Signals.
I swear I encourage my kids to wave with all the fingers on their hand. I get cut off by one idiot talking on his mobile and next thing I know one of my little people is only using two fingers to wave goodbye to Grandma. This is the sort of thing which is difficult to unteach, so I’ve tried to tell Miss3, if you’re going to keep that up at least spin your hand around and yell out, “Bye Grandma. Peace out.”
I suspect instead of teaching my kids manners what I’m actually teaching them the art of hollaback. They only seem to say please and thank you after I say, “What do we say?”
Nothing makes you prouder than seeing one of your kids sharing. Miss3 did this recently, snatching a Dora bag out of Miss1’s hands. When I pulled her up on it Miss3 simply said, “I sharing.” So proud.
5. Bath Room.
If, on my children’s bi-minute search of the house to find me (I swear they’ve organized patrols, like in prison camps), I am on the loo or in the shower, they don’t bat an eyelid. While I have no issue if they want to either sit and chat or, if the smell is too offensive, to leave, I would really appreciate it if they would please shut the bleeding door as I cannot do it myself from the shower or the loo.
6. Bath Water.
It’s called bath water because it’s supposed to stay in the bath, as opposed to mop water, which is for cleaning the bathroom tiles. They are totally different. Is it too much to ask my kids stop confusing the two? Also, if someone knows a way to convince my kids the dog bowl isn’t for refreshing yourself after a couple laps of the balcony on your trike, I’m all ears.
7. Waking up.
I can only assume my children’s inability to whisper is the reason they all wake up within minutes of each other. They don’t necessarily go out of their way to wake each other up, especially as I’ve explained the seriousness of this crime and the penalties involved. However, it is difficult for any child to sleep through someone yelling, “Are you still asleep?” at them from the edge of their pillow.
Why won’t the kids stop pulling the entire contents of their wardrobes out onto their floor? I don’t keep the kids’ toys in with their clothes, so they’ve really no need to look between the shirts or at the bottom of your sock draw for a Little People, Barbie or a dinosaur. Or, if they can’t stop, why can’t they at least wait until their mother is home?
You won’t believe how often the teachers send home sheets of equations they have never explained to their classes. Certainly, from the blank looks on my children’s faces, this seems to be the case more often than not. Either that or my kids habitually take their pee break during maths. What really annoys me though, is when I do sit down and help the kids to work out their sums and they don’t remember to hand their homework sheets in. I want to know if I got the answers right!
How do you explain to a kid, when my bedroom door is closed, go away? Seriously, can’t they just give me a minute? If I know they’re about the house, two minutes, max. We’re fully aware we can’t drag this out but they should trust me on this, their mother and I will both be in a much more hospitable mood if they give us a sec.
Vent over. Thank you for your time. If you need me I’ll be in their bedroom attempting to show the kids how much fun it is to pick up their toys.
Bruce started his blog because friends and family kept wanting to know how he managed to feed and clothe such a large family while still having fun and being able to afford holidays and beer. He had no idea, but thought if he started writing things down some sort of pattern might emerge. When not at work Bruce enjoys reading, writing, hiding from his children and not changing nappies. He’s recently taken up the cycling challenge with a view to surviving long enough to see all his kids out the door so he can finally sleep in.