We often hear about the Day In The Life Of A SAHM and the struggles of the Working Mum, but what about the one in between? Whilst I know I am truly blessed and very lucky to be able to work successfully from home, it’s days like today that have me dreaming of a nice quiet office, with a fancy coffee machine, real live adults to talk to, and a uniform that doesn’t consist of yoga pants covered in baby spew!
9:00am – School drop off for older ones complete despite nappy explosion of epic proportions on arrival at school. Tried to change nappy in car, forgot that car seats incline downwards and Baby rolls in own shit swamp. 12 year old tells me off for embarrassing her in the car park, 6 year old is devastated I cannot stay for promised reading time. The boy ran off at first whiff of overloaded nappy. Need to buy more baby wipes for in the car, and possibly get it re-upholstered.
9:30am – Skype call from boss man, baby decides its the opportune time to pull every book from the bookshelf, suck the ink out of a pen and fill her 12th nappy for morning. Baby wipes utilised for clean up of ink and poo, books left for later.
9:45 – 11:00am – minimal work is completed as baby decides she is not interested in playing independently today. Stretchy white excrement from a teething-induced snotty nose is wiped up my left leg on black yoga pants. Baby wipe. Notice baby is rolling something around in her mouth. Ungraciously shove my finger into the orifice to find her sucking on a used band-aid. Register disgust for probably not long enough. Find a half sucked rusk nearby and offer to more-than-likely semi-poisoned child.
Baby is placed on lap during Skype call, every piece of paper is grabbed and flung to the floor. Baby then arches back in protest at being held, forcibly jamming pen into my left nostril and hitting my chin with her rather large head. Baby is placed on floor, only to vomit all over the papers tossed there minutes ago. Baby wipe.
Baby expresses death wish and crawls under desk to play with electrical cords. Baby is removed but protests at decibel-smashing frequency. Dummy is found and baby plugged. 47th nappy is changed. Load of washing put on.
Another skype call. Narrowly missed flashing my right breast to a celebrity agent as baby decides she will climb the mountain that is Mummy’s torso to attempt a suicidal nose dive off the back of the desk chair and pulls my top down with her foot in the process. Snot trail left behind is only evidence of this failed expedition. Baby wipe.
School calls, child number 2 has left his hat at home. Child number 1 has also left flute at home. Following my rule of at least two children requiring objects re-run to school, haul baby into car to distribute forgotten items to school. My god the car smells bad! Child 1 is still not talking to me after this mornings car-park nappy situation.
Return home. Washing machine beeps incessantly at me signalling it’s finished it’s load. Baby attempts electrical cord suction yet again. I think it’s time for lunch.
12:00pm – All intentions of a healthy lunch go the way of half a banana whilst Baby is satiated momentarily with a cracker. Last nights leftovers are offered and greedily devoured, until I attempt to retrieve a discarded spoon from the floor, only for the bowl to be grabbed and flung onto the tiles. Let dog in to clean up mess. Baby wipe child and superfluous food/dog saliva from the floor.
1:00pm – On return from toilet, find Baby under the desk yet again. Nap time routine is commenced as she howls incessantly after being parted from her new, near-fatal play thing. Washing machine beeps…. AGAIN!
1:30pm – Baby is finally asleep. Contemplate also laying down, but am aware of this particular babies penchant for waking up after 45 minutes. If I dont get the dummy back in at the 45 minute mark, she is awake for the rest of the day and grumpy as hell. Decide to tackle the breakfast/lunch dishes, washing and general tidy up – DAMN IT! Was in toilet when Baby woke.
After having spent 20 minutes getting Baby back to sleep, it’s now time to pick up other babies from school. Struggle to mentally schedule work requirements into priority listing whilst running between netball/football/swimming training. Get home, washing machine STILL FREAKING BEEPING!
5pm – 7pm – Witching hour for Baby, rush hour for older children. Am incessantly nagged by ‘ping’ of computer as messages, emails and Facebook notifications stream through unanswered from co-workers working on Eastern Standard Time, whose own dinner/bath/homework/cleanup frenzy was over hours ago. Can nobody else hear the f*%king washing machine is beeping?
8:00pm – Still awake, barely. With all babies settled for the night, the couch looks enticingly comfortable, however the list of unfinished duties is calling.
10:00pm – I converse with my colleague in India, the only person crazy enough to be up and working at this time, and power through my workload, making a list of the things I stupidly think I will have time to do tomorrow. Spill 4th cup of coffee – baby wipe. Shove washing in dryer.
11:00pm – Find dirty nappy in hallway on my way to toilet, how can this kid still be making mess when she’s asleep? Forget the golden rule of not flushing in the night for anything less than a number 2 – wake Baby up with ridiculously loud toilet flush. Dryer beeps, child visiting toilet turns it off.
12:00pm – Amazing how one can adapt to typing with one hand when a sleeping baby is occupying the other. Question for the 500th time today the juxtaposition of finding someone so incredibly frustrating and unconditionally lovable at the same time.
Computer screen starts to blur, decide it’s waste of time continuing. Avoid looking at all the mess left behind as I shuffle off to bed, to do it all again tomorrow!