Mum’s First Five Minutes

4 min read
Mum’s First Five Minutes


Holy crap! I’m up! I’m up! Where am I? What year is it? Man, I need to get rid of that alarm. Nothing says good morning like a freakin heart attack. Mind you, at least I got to sleep in til the alarm. Oh my God, the baby! Is she ok? Is she breathing? If she is, please don’t let that god damn alarm have woken her.

OK, baby still snoozing, might try and catch another 5 minutes…..Shit! What day is it? Wednesday. No gym day, need to be good with the food day. Girls have dancing practise, boy has footy training. Need to call so-and-so and arrange that thing, and ask whats-her-name to pick up that one up from there and take them there. Ugh, it’s too cold! Note to self, should set up coffee machine next to the bed, with mini bar fridge for milk. Crap, here comes one of them, which one…which one……Oh My Freaking God! My bladder, my stomach, my internal organs, all suffering severe blunt force trauma. Breathe, just breathe and hug the small child, resist urge to kick them off the bed for throwing their body weight onto my unsuspecting own. Ugh!

Oh thank god, she’s gone. Wonder if hubby can read my mind through our unbelievable spiritual connection and make me a coffee. Did small child just ask for a milo? She better not be drinking that in the front lounge room. And she better not be watching what I think she’s watching. Screw it, cant be bothered getting up to check. Oh man, can’t they wait more than 5 minutes after waking up to start fighting over the bloody Ipad? Dammit, Ipad! Must remember to layby that one on special today for thingy’s Christmas! Maybe when I go in to hand those forms in? Stupid place, why don’t they have an app for that shit yet.

Really need to pee. Shouldn’t have had so many kids, would’ve been able to sleep in so much longer……Mums First Five Minutes

This room is a mess. I should really do one of those de-clutter challenge thingy’s and get rid of some of this crap. I’m so glad people don’t actually come in here. Why can’t I have one of those bedrooms like on Pintrest? With all the pillows and matching colours and definitely no funky smells, dirty washing or random kids stuff lying around. Why can’t I have a Pintrest life? I’m so disorganised. I haven’t baked my children any of the high fibre, low sugar muffins, or hand made the baby any of the cognitive/sensory/motor skill development toys, or produced any of the 50-trillion gorgeous home thinga-ma-bobs, or carved myself a six-pack from my post-baby belly. I can’t even remember all those motivational quotes I pin; I should really print them out.

Bugger, is that the time? Oh, but this bed is so warm and soft and…..slightly smelly! When was the last time I stripped the beds? Better add washing to my list today. Bet it rains. Oh, so help me God! I’ll chuck that f*&kin Ipad out the window……well, no I won’t, but you know.

OK, if I stay here, the kids will need lunch orders, the dishes will have to wait til after drop off, the girls will have simple whack-em-up ponytails, the baby will have to stay in her PJ’s (ugh, judgy judgy school Mum’s) and we will need to risk a speeding fine and running over the old, slow-as-hell lollipop man at the school crossing to get to class on time. I’d better get up. UGH!



About Author

Jody Allen

Jody is the founder and essence of Stay at Home Mum. An insatiable appetite for reading from a very young age had Jody harbouring dreams of being a pu...Read Moreblished author since primary school. That deep-seeded need to write found its way to the public eye in 2011 with the launch of SAHM. Fast forward 4 years and a few thousand articles Jody has fulfilled her dream of being published in print. With the 2014 launch of Once a Month Cooking and 2015's Live Well on Less, thanks to Penguin Random House, Jody shows no signs of slowing down. The master of true native content, Jody lives and experiences first hand every word of advertorial she pens. Mum to two magnificent boys and wife to her beloved Brendan; Jody's voice is a sure fire winner when you need to talk to Mums. Read Less

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