Part 5 of the Diary of a Single Mum by Miss Butterfly. To read the first installments – Click Here!
Ok so this time I decided to write all about me. I am not selfish as my babies come before everything but I think it’s about time I spoke about me. I am still coming to terms with what has happened. And am grateful for all my friends and family support throughout this whole time and not ignore me or leave me as I am a very proud person and it takes a lot for me to ask for help.
I suffered years of abuse. And to tell you the truth some of the words still to this day go through my head. “What man in his right frame of mind would want someone like you” is what plays with me a lot. Especially now that I am ready, ready to get out there and start dating again. Just as I am about to take the big steps out there that comment goes through my head and I back out of it.
Being called stupid, worthless, a useless c*#t, [email protected]*kin bitch, lazy, slob, pathetic amongst other things really starts playing on the mind. When those words get repeated to you every day 3-4times a day you start to believe you are stupid, worthless and that no one would ever want you. My appearance started to suffer, I didn’t feel pretty anymore I felt horrible.
In those 5 years, with Mr X continually saying those things to me, made me lose confidence in myself. They made me become withdrawn and to the point where I wouldn’t leave the house unless I absolutely had to. And when I did leave him the best thing I did for myself was speak with a councillor. It wasn’t a once off appointment it took months with weekly visits for me to come to grips with what had happened and ways to deal with the issues that had happened. I worked hard on ways to work on my self-esteem, my inner worth, my HAPPINESS.
I went through the stages of grief and decided I didn’t want to be a victim any more I had to do something with my life to improve it. In the first twelve months that I was on my own and he was still around in the kids’ lives I did nothing but feel sorry for myself. I put on weight to a point where I was so ashamed to take my kids out I had to change. When Mr X stopped contacting us that was when it really changed for me.
I changed my diet and decided to do some exercise, take the kids for a walk around the block was a start but decided that I needed to do more. That day there was a sign, a leaflet requiring walkers to deliver the junk mail for town. So I decided to earn some extra money and get some exercise in at the same time. I also decided I didn’t want to sit on my ass for the rest of my life and decided to study to update my knowledge to get back out there in the workforce. I started looking after myself and children a lot better. I am becoming happy once again. I never deserved to be hurt like that. I need to be a good role model for my kids. I hate depending on ‘welfare’ but without it I wouldn’t be able to reach my ultimate goals in life.
I know I don’t need a man, but it would be nice to meet a man that will treat me the way that a woman deserves to be treated. Like a princess.