My wedding anniversary is coming up next month. It wasn’t an easy road to matrimony for my husband and I.
I was keen to get that ring on my finger, he wasn’t. He said I pushed him too hard, I was approaching 30 and wanted babies. It shat me to tears. The story I’m about to share with you is 100% true – it really happened. And even though what happened back then probably wasn’t funny at the time, I always smile when I remember……
Fred and I have always been close, and before children and mortgages and all things grown up – we liked to do silly things. Well I liked to do silly things. Like drag my ‘boyfriend at the time’ Fred to Sexpo. He was mortified, and a little intrigued. See he is pretty straight, a country boy, so when I bought him a pair of white mesh studded bondage undies – he couldn’t hide them away quick enough. I thought it was simply hilarious and would often find the hiding spot and badger him to wear them ‘just once’. He wouldn’t! He refused to wear ‘those things’ he called them.
A few months down the track we were invited to a wedding.
‘Please wear your fancy undies, just for me’ I cried’
‘Pleeeaahhhhheezzzzzz – just once and then you can burn them’
Fred finally reneged. I’m sure he was sick of me hassling him, and was pleased at the thought that he could get rid of them forever if he wore them just this one time. He put on the garish looking underpants under his stylish suit and off to the wedding we went. We had a fantastic night, we danced, we sang, we ate and I drank – more than a few! I tried to catch the bouquet but missed out! We headed home about midnight.
We had just bought a house together on top of a hill – a steep hill. Of course, I was a bit tipsy and went to take off my high heels to walk down the hill to the house. Fred was feeling somewhat ‘lucky’.
‘I’ll carry you down my sweetheart, so you don’t get your feet dirty’. Awwwwwww Fred is such a sweetheart.
He dashingly picked me up and headed down the hill. Not three steps later, he slipped – and we tumbled six metres down the hill.
When not to wear sex pants
I picked myself up and noticed I’d laddered my good stockings, I was pissed. I looked over and Fred had the weirdest look on his face I’d ever seen. Somewhere between constipation and ‘I’ve already shat myself’.
‘I’ve just broken my leg – call an ambulance!’. The tone in which he said it left little doubt in my mind. I dashed inside and called them. Three ambo’s had to carry him out of the yard. Off we went to the local hospital.
We arrived at emergency department and the Doctor came running hollering, ‘we need to get your suit pants off for an x-ray.’
Poor Fred looked like he was about to vomit.
‘Don’t worry’ the Doctor said in his best ‘trust me I’m a doctor’ voice, ‘it’s only an x-ray’.
But I knew that wasn’t what Fred was worried about.
A nice male orderly came to help get his suit pants off. Poor Fred panicked.
‘Ummmm mate’, Fred said. ‘Can’t my Mrs here just cut them off for me?’
The orderly just smiled and said ‘I’ve seen it all mate, she’ll be right’. Fred hung on to his suit pants for all his life.
I had to pipe up. ‘Here’s the thing, he’s wearing white mesh bondage undies that I bought him from Sexpo’ – you may as well be blunt about these things.
The smile on the orderlies face said everything.
Poor Fred had broken his leg in three places and was on crutches for eight months.
Anyway – we got married exactly one year later on the anniversary of the leg breaking incident. Of course, you can just imagine what I had inscribed on the inside of his wedding band…
Break a Leg!