I’m a real mum.
I like a glass of wine. I like my sleep. I like my children’s bedtime.
Sometimes in the morning, I look at the clock at 8am and already wish it was nap time. Don’t get me wrong – I LOVE my children, but they drive me crazy!
Here are a few confessions of real mums I have discovered on various parenting forums, but one or two are my own; I won’t tell you which ones…
1. I’m wearing maternity jeans…
…but I haven’t been pregnant in six years.
2. I hate reading bedtime stories.
I only do it because I know I have to. Sometimes, I just let them fall asleep watching TV.
3. I kiss my young teenager goodbye in the morning as he leaves for school, rising above the hormone-fuelled snarling and Bieber-like haircut.
Then I close the front door and flip him the middle finger, with both hands.
4. I forget to brush my toddler’s teeth.
I am not sure why it’s so hard for me to remember, but it’s a good thing that these teeth will fall out.
5. Hidden in the pantry in a box labelled “flour” is top of the line chocolates and a few cigarettes.
I rarely resort to it, but it’s a comfort knowing it’s there.
6. Once a woman asked me if I breastfed my baby, so I asked her if she shaved her vagina.
Sorry, you don’t like personal questions? Me, neither.
7. I confiscated my teenager’s secret bottle of bourbon.
I gave her a lecture, and have been drinking it myself ever since.
8. I joined a gym just for the free crèche.
I drop the kids off and read magazines and surf the internet on my iPhone in the locker room.
9. At the end of the day, my needs are really simple: To be able to shit in peace.
10. My kids hardly bathe in the summer.
The swimming pool and slip ‘n’ slide totally counts.
11. I buy store-made cakes and slices and pass them off as my own for fêtes.
12. Everyone thinks I’m such a great mum for teaching my daughter how to read already.
It wasn’t me. It was the Leapfrog pen. I had no idea she could read.
13. I clock out of motherhood at 7.30pm.
I’m so done that I walk out even if they aren’t all tucked in bed and go hide in my bedroom with my laptop and a glass of chardy.
14. Mother dropping her kid for a sleepover at my house: “No food dye, no dairy, just soy milk, only organic food, and we don’t eat ANY fast food.”
I let the kids eat all the junk they wanted. They seemed OK.
15. When my daughter asked me what comes after a trillion, I told her “a gazillion.”
Well…it does, doesn’t it?
16. Three kids, and my husband has never changed a dirty nappy.
He says he hates the smell, like I like it?! I’m just going to shove the next one under his pillow.
17. Questions of the day:
1) How did the piece of ‘green pineapple’ (capsicum) get stuck to the ceiling?
2) Why didn’t gravity kick in & make it fall?
3) How did I not notice this?
4) When did we have supreme pizza last?
18. I confess that most days, I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing.
Everyone thinks I have it all together; good wife, good mum, successful career, but I really don’t. I’m ready to stop pretending to be perfect now.