18 Confessions of a Real MumDo YOU have a confession to make?

I’m a real mum.

I like a glass of wine. I like my sleep. I like my children’s bedtime.

Sometimes in the morning, I look at the clock at 8am and already wish it was nap time. Don’t get me wrong – I LOVE my children, but they drive me crazy!

Here are a few confessions of real mums I have discovered on various parenting forums, but one or two are my own; I won’t tell you which ones…

1. I’m wearing maternity jeans…

…but I haven’t been pregnant in six years.

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2. I hate reading bedtime stories.

I only do it because I know I have to. Sometimes, I just let them fall asleep watching TV.

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3. I kiss my young teenager goodbye in the morning as he leaves for school, rising above the hormone-fuelled snarling and Bieber-like haircut.

Then I close the front door and flip him the middle finger, with both hands.

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4. I forget to brush my toddler’s teeth.

I am not sure why it’s so hard for me to remember, but it’s a good thing that these teeth will fall out.

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5. Hidden in the pantry in a box labelled “flour” is top of the line chocolates and a few cigarettes.

I rarely resort to it, but it’s a comfort knowing it’s there.

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6. Once a woman asked me if I breastfed my baby, so I asked her if she shaved her vagina.

Sorry, you don’t like personal questions? Me, neither.

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7. I confiscated my teenager’s secret bottle of bourbon.

I gave her a lecture, and have been drinking it myself ever since.

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8. I joined a gym just for the free crèche.

I drop the kids off and read magazines and surf the internet on my iPhone in the locker room.

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9. At the end of the day, my needs are really simple: To be able to shit in peace.

(Hallelujah!)

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10. My kids hardly bathe in the summer.

The swimming pool and slip ‘n’ slide totally counts.

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11. I buy store-made cakes and slices and pass them off as my own for fêtes.

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12. Everyone thinks I’m such a great mum for teaching my daughter how to read already.

It wasn’t me. It was the Leapfrog pen. I had no idea she could read.

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13. I clock out of motherhood at 7.30pm.

I’m so done that I walk out even if they aren’t all tucked in bed and go hide in my bedroom with my laptop and a glass of chardy.

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14. Mother dropping her kid for a sleepover at my house: “No food dye, no dairy, just soy milk, only organic food, and we don’t eat ANY fast food.”

I let the kids eat all the junk they wanted. They seemed OK.

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15. When my daughter asked me what comes after a trillion, I told her “a gazillion.”

Well…it does, doesn’t it?

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16. Three kids, and my husband has never changed a dirty nappy.

He says he hates the smell, like I like it?! I’m just going to shove the next one under his pillow.

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17. Questions of the day:

1) How did the piece of ‘green pineapple’ (capsicum) get stuck to the ceiling?

2) Why didn’t gravity kick in & make it fall?

3) How did I not notice this?

4) When did we have supreme pizza last?

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18. I confess that most days, I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing.

Everyone thinks I have it all together; good wife, good mum, successful career, but I really don’t. I’m ready to stop pretending to be perfect now.

Do you also have a confession to share?

What would you like to confess?

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