Think your mum never lied to you?
These are just 10 of the things your mother probably lied about, too!
10. I’ll tell your father!
Mum’s favourite disciplinary method was to tell dad the error of our ways when he arrived home from work and then, when he was paddling our bums, to feel guilty about it and stop him. It was a confusing time for all of us. Not that she told him everything.
At family functions Mum will occasionally dust off a horrid tale about some disastrous thing we did as kids and Dad looks as surprised as anyone. Like when I was two and stepped into a bucket of gloss paint before walking through the house. Mum quickly called her mum and the two of them worked frantically to clean up the mess before my father came home from work, which probably explains why I’m still here to tell the tale. Dad found out at an Easter Sunday lunch ten years ago when I was 35.
9. You can be anything you want to be.
Turns out I couldn’t. I work in a bank so I’m about as far from being a Space Rock God as you can get. I can’t even play air guitar, although I do space out a lot.
8. I know everything.
When you’re a kid you really do think this, don’t you? Mums are SMART. I always thought my mum was pretty clever because she could work out who did what despite not even being in the room: sometimes just knowing we’d done something wrong, if not immediately knowing what. Now, of course, I realize she’d simply noticed I’d hidden the ‘world’s greatest stirrer’ spoon, which usually hung on the wall and which Dad used to paddle my bum with if I was naughty. For some reason I figured Dad wouldn’t be able to smack me if he couldn’t find the dreaded spoon. Sadly, my hiding skills weren’t even as developed as my dodgy logic circuits and I’d usually just throw the thing under a cushion and plonk myself on top.
Personally, when it comes to stuff my kids do, I know nothing. I admit it. I can almost hear my kids thinking, ‘he’s got nothing’, when I try bluff my way through. Tracey does better. How she even knows who was playing with which toy is beyond me. Hell, how she knows which names go with which child is beyond me most days. I’ll tag along as she marches into a bedroom to discipline one of the kids for not brushing their teeth or leaving dolls out and be in absolute awe of her parenting skills and hoping some of her awesomeness will brush of on me. Essentially, I’m Robin: she’s Batman.
7. I never want you to leave.
Oh, really, Mum? Now I admit I’ve also said this to all my kids and I know I said it genuinely and sincerely every time. But they were still cute at this point, having not attended school yet. It’s such a wonder and joy when your kids squeeze their way into your life; it’s hard to imagine ever being happy again without them being right there in the shadow of your helicopter. I think maybe this is why God invented the teenage years. I know I was grinning and waving like an idiot as Master20 drove off to university.
6. Big family.
For years I thought my family was HUGE. Turns out a whole busload of people I thought were my uncles and aunties were nothing more than Mum & Dad’s drinking buddies.