101 Thoughts Every Mum Has During Labour
We’ve all been there. And if you haven’t yet, then here is something to look forward to.
Please tell me I am not the only one who went through this thought process during the whole gooey process. So here we go.. the Miracle of Birth. In 101 Thoughts. From the first contraction to the final push. Let the fun begin.
1. Was that a contraction?
2. Wow. I did it. And it wasn’t that bad.
3. I can do this, drug-free. I can be one of the mum’s that just sneezes a baby out. Okay. Here we go.
4. Hmm I wonder what I should wear when I get there. I’m thinking about the yellow nightie.
5. There’s another one. Easy peasy.
6. I better get the timer out.
7. This timer must be broken.
8. Ugh. My uterus is definitely broken.
9. Okay…. I must be at least five centimeters by now.
10. I wonder what my baby is thinking right now
11. Why aren’t these contractions regular??? WTF
12. Bugger it. I’m going to the hospital anyway
13. No, husband, I don’t want to call the hospital to ‘check’ I’m in labour. I AM IN LABOUR.
14. Seriously husband, how long does it take you to put on your shoes?
15. Stuff it. I’m not wearing shoes.
16. Don’t even DARE brush your teeth! JUST GET IN THE CAR!
17. Do you have to hit every single red light?
18. I mean, seriously, are you doing it on purpose?
19. Holy hell… what is going on with my uterus right now?
20. “It feels like period pain” my ass. More like it feels like a knife is cutting through my stomach.
21. Please, husband, take your time finding the park furthest from the hospital.
22. God, I hope the doctor on tonight is a female.
24. O-kay, I’m totally 8cm by now. This baby is gonna be here within the hour.
25. 1 cm???? 1 cm??? Is that even a measurement?
26. Okay. Drug-free may be unrealistic.
27. What the hell was that? Did I just pee?
28. Look at my husband over there. I would give anything to kick him in the nuts right now if I could fucking move from this doggy style position without breaking in two.
29. God. These noises coming out of me are horrible. But I can’t stop.
30. Oh, fuck here comes another one!
31. No, I don’t want to bounce on your bloody fit ball. I want this baby out NOW!
32. 2 cm???? I’ll show you 2 cm.
33. Get these fucking clothes off me.
34. NO, I DON’T WANT THE YELLOW NIGHTIE
35. Just breathe? What the hell do you think I’m doing? It takes air coming in and out to yell at you doesn’t it.
36. God, I stink.
37. I really should get up and try to shower.
38. ARGH NEVER MIND!!
39. I wonder what I look like right now. Actually, I don’t want to know.
40. God, I sound like a baby seal in heat.
41. Whatever. Fuck it.
42. That’s it. Drugs please.
43. If you say only 3cm I will scream.
44. 2 AND A HALF CM??? Dilate dammit. Dilate.
45. How is having a hot shower going to help? How about I throw you into a hot shower while kicking you in the stomach?
46. I think I’m having a devil child!
47. He’d better be freaking cute.
48. WHERE ARE THE DRUGS?
49. Oh God, this keeps getting grosser.
50. Don’t even look at me, husband.
51. NO I DON’T WANT THAT FUCKING YELLOW NIGHTIE
52. Where in God’s name is my FUCKING EPIDURAL?????
53. Not another one. UGH.
54. DID YOU JUST TURN THE TELEVISION ON?????????
55. Where’s the freaking doctor?
57. That’s it. No more kids. I am so done.
58. I think I am going to vomit.
59. HUSBAND. GET OUT NOW.
60. Yep, definitely going to vomit.
61. HUSBAND, GET BACK IN HERE!!!
62. I f the nurse doesn’t come back with drugs I will get off this bed and inject myself with whatever needle I come into contact with first
63. Okay. 5 cm down.
64. 5 to go. Half way there. On the home stretch. On the downhill slope. On the… HOLY BALLS THIS ONE HURTS!!
65. Miracle of birth. Pfft. More like miracle of messy goo.
66. Seriously, how much crap can come out of me???
67. DRUGS. NOW. DRUGS!!!
69. That’s it. I am divorcing my husband after this.
70. I’m getting closer, she says. I am getting closer to throwing my buzzer at her face.
71. 8 cm.
72. Oh God. Here comes the vomit again.
73. WHEN WILL THIS END?
74. Yah I threw up on the floor. So what?
75. Use the yellow nightie to clean it up.
76. I WILL KILL YOU!! AFTER I FINISH DYING MYSELF.
77. UGH, I have to poo.
78. Why did I eat Hungry Jacks last night?
79. Please don’t poo.
80. Should I go to the toilet? Or lay here like a beached whale?
81. Beached whale.
82. KILLLLLL MEEEEEEEE NOOOOOOWWWWW!!!
83. 10 cm. Did he just say 10 cm???
84. Oh my FUCKING GOD.
85. Am I ready to have a baby? What the hell have I been doing for the past ten hours?
86. I think I just broke in two.
87. What the hell does it look like I am doing? I AM PUSHING!!!!!
88. He’s crowning!! Well what are you waiting for? A fucking sceptre to come out? Yank his head out!
89. What do you mean he went back in?????
90. GET HIM OUT???
91. My crotch is literally on fire.
92. I think I just pooed.
93. This is getting ridiculous. If you see the head, then GET IT OUT OF ME!!
94. This better be the last time you tell me to push.
95. I’M GOING TO DIE.
96. He’s crying. Oh my God. He’s out of me.
97. He’s a real person.
98. Wow. Kind of creepy looking though.
99. Holy shit. I did it.
100. I am awesome.
101. Okay, maybe he was worth it all. But I am DEFINITELY never doing that again.