Parenting – The one thing nothing can prepare you for. Sure, there are courses on labour, on calm birthing and on basic first aid. You can go to sleep school; you can make an appointment with a lactation consultant; you can attend positive parenting programs. But most of the things that come with being a parent cannot be taught.
Imagine if they could! Imagine if there was such thing as Parent University. Here are 14 courses that would make this parenting thing so much easier:
Lessons include how to maintain your cool when shoved into a room with fifteen other mums who all think their child is the best, how to smile, nod and coo at every comment made, how to resist the urge to throw gummy bears at said parents, and how to look like you’ve had a full night’s rest when you’ve really been up all night.
Calculations in Medical Administration
How to ensure your sick child actually swallows his/her Panodol. Basic First Aid recommended but not required.
Number Threes: Theory and Critique
What are number threes? Where do they come from? And why do they matter in society? This course offers an extensive analysis on the classic but controversial ‘poo explosion’.
How to Open Toys
Forget assembling them. It’s opening the bastards. This course takes you back to basics – learn the foundations of opening plastic, elastics and other whatnots so you don’t always reach for the scissors, the knife or the wine bottle.
This physical course teaches you the secrets of managing a shower or number two without the need for the children to join you. Our Jedi master will train you in toileting execution so svelte the kids won’t even know you’ve gone…and went.
Advanced Research in Nursery Rhymes
Who is Humpty Dumpty? Is he an egg? Or a man? Did he survive his fall? Was he murdered? This course will delve deep into the world of nursery rhymes to uncover the truth behind your child’s favourite bedtime melody.
Analysis include Jack and Jill: Sibling Love or Rivalry? Rub a Dub Dub: What the Hell is Going on in that Tub? and Georgie Peorgie: The Man Behind the Misogyny.
Goop, Oats and Lego: The World’s Most Annoying Inventions
Goop – the world’s stickiest solution, oats – the world’s worst thing to clean up…ever, and Lego – the world’s most painful foot massager. How can we learn to harmonise in a society obsessed with these objects?
Daycare and School Application Writing
This course will combine elements of both creative and resume writing to ensure that all parents can navigate through the millions of pages that each school application requires without resorting to ripping the pages out or home schooling your children. Basic knowledge in lying required.
Self-Checkouts and Society
The world of grocery shopping has evolved to the point that self-checkouts have become the norm. What does this mean for a mum with two screaming kids in the trolley? This course will combine theory and critical thinking to determine just how self-checkouts are destroying a parent’s will to live and should be destroyed.
Facebook for Parents – How to Showcase Your Love for Your Child
Featuring extensive courses in taking adorable baby selfies, how to wish your baby happy birthday through social media and how to discuss what your child ate for breakfast in new and creative ways.
Theories in Veggie Execution
Learn the secrets to smuggling veggies and ensuring your children actually eat them rather than feeding them to the dog.
Philosophy of School Drop Off
Why does it always seem to rain as soon as you step outside the door? Why do some parents always end up with the close parking spots? Why is school drop off like an episode of Groundhog Day? This course will explore the nature of school drop off with the intention of uncovering these secrets and sheding light on how we as a society can overcome these obstacles. *HINT* The answer lies in the school bus.
Contemporary Issues: Why is my Teenager an Asshole?
Learn the theory behind your child’s newly developed attitude as we explore your teenager’s transformation into a moody, cranky, smelly, horny, pubescent, dramatic a-hole. An eye opening class for all parents.
Basically, this course just explains how bribery is necessary in parenting. And how awesome you are for using it. Everyone who shows up gets an A.
What are we missing? What other parenting courses do you wish they made?
- Jenna Gallina
- Jenna Gallina