You know the feeling when life is going along so swimmingly that it can’t possibly last that way.
There’s a little voice whispering to you from the far reaches of your mind telling you, something is about to go pear-shaped here, it has to, it’s all been too good for too long”¦
And then it does.
Shit hits the fan with such a spectacle that it rivals a New Year fireworks show hosted by Britney Spears circa 2007 The Melt Down Year.
1. Contracting syphilis
Ok, not actual syphilis, I am exaggerating just a tad…. but we’ve had a plague like lurgy that has hung around longer and more awkwardly than an unwelcome party guest who doesn’t know when to take a fucking hint. Get. Out.
2. Laundry day
So, I’m infamous for forgetting that I’ve actually washed the clothes. They might sit in the machine for a few hours because I got distracted by whining kids, or worse the infinite vortex of the internet. Resistance is futile for a professional laundry procrastinator such as me.
3. No wifi
I know it’s a first world problem but even the UN was issued a report for internet access to be a basic human right. Like clean water and oxygen.
Children are the personification of reality check. They don’t know how to cushion the blow. “Urgh! Scratchy legs mummy.” Thanks kid, I haven’t waxed for weeks. Many weeks.
My two-and-half-year-old little lady tells me she loves me and reaches up her tender little arms begging for a cuddle. I scoop her up with a warm embrace, relishing in the moment before she farts on my arm and giggles, “tooty bottom!” Yeah, thanks for that kid!
Nothing brings you back to reality faster than a shitty nappy. Especially if it’s a number 3! Everyone poops. Fact. There’s even a children’s story book on it.
4:45 am like clockwork. A creepy child stands in front of you with their breath forming condensation on your eyeballs that are now open wide with shock and fright. “Good morning mummy!” Hmmm butter wouldn’t melt, right?
9. Tax time
In this world, nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes. Thanks for that pearl of wisdom Benjamin Franklin, it makes being an adult joyous.
The penultimate moment that life literally takes you down a peg. Recently, an acquaintance my own age with two very young children and a husband, lost a short battle with a very aggressive bowel cancer. Fuck cancer. Fuck it right in the ear.
Moments like those make you open your eyes and heart to take stock of what you have, haemorrhoids and all.
Hug your family a little tighter and know that the tough times don’t last, tough people do.