Help! My Partner Doesn’t Want More Kids But I Do!
When you were younger (pre kids), did you always have a magic number of how many babies you wanted when you got older? Well, I did. And that number was three. Although I adore my two kids to bits, our family just doesn’t seem complete just yet. But, for my husband, it does. He is happy with the two and has said he doesn’t want anymore. The thought of shutting down the ol baby making shop sends chills down my spine and sends my uterus aching – the idea that I will not get to dress another baby in itty bitty 0000 onesies, to smell that beautiful newborn scent, to rock a teeny tiny infant to sleep – this breaks my heart and I am sure I’m not alone (am I?).
Regardless of whether you had a magic baby number or not, you may feel like you are not done when your partner is saying the opposite. It takes two to tango and without the support and agreement of your partner, your family expansion dreams may be put on hold.And, while it is possible to trick him and get pregnant by accident, is this really a path that you want to take?
The logical part of me agrees with my husband and his desire to stop while we are ahead. We have two healthy amazing children. We have the pigeon pair. And we are so fortunate for it. Our family is neat and tidy; we all fit in the same car comfortably and our kids don’t outnumber us. When we go out and both are being little terrors, there is one of us to handle each of their tantrums. Having another would mean the kids are outnumbering us and it could mean disaster when all three decide to tantrum at the same time. The kids are finally starting to play on their own and semi sleep which means we are actually able to watch a movie at night that doesn’t involve Disney characters and have some time to ourselves. Financially speaking, we are in a good place and having another baby (or two) would probably put us back into the red zone for years and years and years. It means more sleepless nights, more stress, more fights and more expenses.
Unfortunately I don’t have the magic sentence to utter to your partner that allows you to get your way and have another baby. If I had the secret spell I would definitely pass it on to every other mum or dad that is feeling this way. The problem with ‘agreeing to disagree; with something this life altering is that his decision can cause a lot of anger, resentment and problems in your relationship. I don’t think there is an easy solution to this problem and while your powers of persuasion may be powerful, they may not be enough to convince him to go again. So here are some other options:
Give it Time
The uterus wants what the uterus wants but crying, begging and pleading for another baby every day will probably make things worse and cause a lot of anger between the two of you. Yes, your biological clock is ticking but if you have the time, then try to broach the subject later on. Give it six months; a year. The time may be what your partner needs get all systems lined up, financially, emotionally and physically, to go again. Or, he may become more and more comfortable with the life you have now. But maybe you will too?
Talk it Out
There isn’t really any way to compromise when it comes to a child. You can’t have half of one. You can’t have one for just a year and then take a year off. But what you can do is try to sit down and understand both sides. This means explaining to him how you feel inside – how hurt and upset this is making you. It also means finding out why he doesn’t want to go again. It may be that he is emotionally not ready to handle the pressure and stress that a new baby can cause. You may discover that the reason he doesn’t want anymore is because he doesn’t want to watch you in pain, to see your stress and to go through those hard days, weeks and months again. Because, let’s face it, having a baby – from the weeks of morning sickness to the months of colic, is not easy to go through but it is also not easy to watch, especially when the person you love is struggling with it.
When you are denied something that you want so desperately, it can be hard not to feel resentment to the person who is stopping you from getting what you want. If you do feel like this disagreement, which, let’s face it, is a big one, is causing a lot of anger and damage to the relationship, then it may be time to seek professional assistance. A relationship counselor can help you both come to terms with a decision that will ensure the best outcome for your entire family.
Switch your Focus
It’s so easy to say “be happy with your family” and “concentrate on the kids you already have” and while your brain may have gotten the memo, your heart may have not. But try to focus this energy and passion on something else for the time being. Perhaps the desire will pass; and, if not, you can try to breach the subject again down the road.
I hope that these suggestions have helped. I know they probably haven’t given you a clear path on how to make your partner change his mind but hopefully you now know that you are not alone. And, if you do have a story to share or some tips on tackling this extremely tricky situation, then please feel free to share below. We’d love to hear your thoughts.
The author is SAHM to two young children and prefers to remain anonymous