Separated But Still Living Together?

The breakdown of a marriage or indeed any relationship can be devastating for all concerned. Once the dust has settled and the final decision has been made, discussion will inevitably turn to the practical stuff like, who moves out, finances and children.

Providing the separation is relatively amicable, and your current house has the space, decisions about moving out of the family home or even selling it and dividing the proceeds may not be pressing matters immediately. For some, the financial implications of having to move may be more damaging than the separation itself. Also other considerations such as lack of family support and the day to day needs of the children may mean, that in the short term at least, you both decide to continue to live under the one roof.

Whilst financial hardship and care of the children are probably the most common obstacles to moving to separate households there can be other reasons as well. One partner may not be willing to accept the relationship is over, hoping it may be possible to revive it if they hang in there. This is likely to damage any chance of a shared arrangement working, especially if there are ulterior motives.

Any arrangement where you agree to separate but still live together is likely to leave you feeling like you are in limbo. It will take a very strong person to go from sharing everything, kids, social life, bathroom, a bed, and money, to starting over and effectively going it alone in what will at first feel like a surreal new world. It may be worth setting down some ground rules, providing you are still talking to one another at this stage.

Practicalities

Are you each going to do your own cooking, cleaning? How will you share the bill paying, who buys the groceries, do you each buy your own? How will each of you communicate with one another and by what means?

Telling the world

Work out what you are going to tell your friends and family. Whatever the explanation is, it will get back to the children in some form or another, so they need a simplified version first according to their level of understanding. Perhaps just let them know you are separating but will both live at home until the details are worked out. Later, if the separation becomes a permanent one, the practical questions will come from the kids. Be prepared to answer questions like, ‘where will we live, can I stay at my school and still see my friends, when can I see mummy or daddy?’

Conversation

Don’t expect to be having the same level of interaction with your partner as you did prior to separation. If you get ignored asking about their day, best to just not ask!

Stress less

Making a decision like this is hard enough and you may actually discover that you will get along better than you have in years, now that the pressure of being a good wife/husband is off the agenda.

The Kids

For the children’s sake it may be okay to continue to co parent in a similar manner as when you were a couple, but kids will very quickly realise that things are decidedly different. If they were good at playing you off one against the other before, they will be masters at it now. If you are both home together you are not going to ignore the kid’s questions or requests for help with their homework etc. just because it not your time with them, are you? Try not to infringe on the other’s time too much. If you are going to divide your time with the kids (which is what would happen if you were living in separate residences), when they are not with you, go to the gym, visit a friend, and have some quality time for you.

Dating

Eventually, one or both of you will want to start seeing other people. If you don’t want to wait until the physical separation becomes a reality, be super discrete and don’t bring them home! For a separation under one roof to work there needs to be respect even if the love has gone.

Legalities
The Family Law Act calls this type of living arrangement ‘Separation under One Roof’. Before a separation can proceed to divorce, i.e., the 12 month separation can start to run, evidence needs to be provided, usually in the form of an affidavit, proving you do not share any of the usual activities of marriage, such as: sleeping in the same bed or room, shopping or eating meals together, entertaining friends together, going out together. This can be from a friend, relative or acquaintance and is used as corroborative evidence. The court may think you are going to get back together if the shared living arrangements go on indefinitely.

For Centrelink benefits to be accessed by either party further proof as to the reasons why you continue to share accommodation will also need to be provided. Financial hardship and welfare of the children are obvious reasons. Evidence of separation in the form of separate bank accounts, letters from family and friends agreeing that you consider yourselves to be separated will also be required.

If the separation becomes permanent and the decision to divorce is made, physical separation needs to happen, otherwise neither one of you will be able to move on with your life, grieve the loss of the partnership or recover and be able to move on effectively.

Have you or someone you know experienced a relationship breakdown and managed an amicable living arrangement like this?

Sources: Family Law Courts, Human Services