The 10 Types Of Jerks Who Make Supermarket Shopping Hell

9. The Dawdlers

You’ve got precisely 26 minutes to do your weekly shop between parking your car and swooping in for the school pick-up, but inevitably there’s someone ambling down the middle of the aisle and taking up just enough room to ensure you can’t glide past. You’ll say “excuse me” 17 times before they turn around and look at you baffled (or glare at you for daring to speak to them, either/or). And then there are the friends who decide the end of an aisle is a great place to park their trolleys and swap tall tales and true to try and one-up each other for the coveted titles of Most Prolific Neighbourhood Gossip and Least Convenient Chat Location at the 2016 Local Arsehole Awards.

10. The Givers of Unsolicited Advice

Your trolley won’t track in a straight line and you’re trying to bottle feed your little cherub as you push three tons of groceries around, but here comes an armchair expert who decides at that moment, to inform your that you’re a deficient human being because breast is best and only evil people give their babies formula. There are other forms of this shopping irritant, too. Like the prat who tells you that you should just let your kids have the lollies, they are whinging about because kids deserve treats (and they aren’t the ones who will have to deal with your kids speeding off their faces on jelly snakes later). Or the raving loon hippy who decides you need to know how harmful the artificial sweeteners are in your diet soft drink, or shames you in the laundry for buying what they claim is a non-biodegradable detergent.

What’s that, you say? I’m a hypocrite because I have judged all the sloths and boneheads that make grocery shopping such a chore, and yet here I am getting stuck into givers of unsolicited advice.

Listen, I’m no hypocrite because I have the class and dignity not to point out their foibles and failings in a public forum such as a crowded supermarket. And besides, you should be bloody grateful that I’m not writing about your vagina for a change.