We’re lucky to be in this age of the internet. We don’t have to buy some awkward products in person!
When I was in Year 9 at school, I had run out of sanitary items.
Mum gave me some cash to go buy some at the supermarket before school that day. But the thing was, there was only a male checkout operator on at the time – and I was mortified. It was just such an awkward situation for a shy kid. It took about 45 minutes of courage before I put that packet of tampons on the bench to be scanned.
He didn’t even LOOK at them, even though I was blushing furiously, stammering and sweating rather profusely. The worst thing was I was late for school and had to explain to the Principal why I was late… That was double mortifying. Sure, I’m positive the Principal, Mrs Parker had had her period some time in her life but I think she forgot what it was like to be young and shit scared!
The thing is – it shouldn’t matter what we buy, we shouldn’t be embarrassed to purchase the items we need, but it is just human nature…. This is a list of items I prefer to grab online instead of in person because I live in a small town and I don’t need Dorothy from the Shoe Shop knowing I have haemorrhoids or like to bleach my arsehole.
When you have bum grapes by the dozen, nothing makes the bunches feel better than haemorrhoid cream, applied thick!
SHOCK VALUE: If you want a horrific before and after photo – check out this listing on Amazon – ick!
Some may call it false advertising, but chicken fillets aka Boob inserts are there to make our mammaries more voluptuous! They give us gals a bit more confidence.
Tampons & Pads
Okay not so embarrassing NOW, and I’m sure “young uns” these days are far too hip to be embarrassed by such things, but I had to include it as just thinking about my ‘First Tampon Buying Experience’ makes me blush. Plus, if you buy them in bulk you get a good discount so #bargainshopper
To soothe an ass on fire, anal wipes make your butt feel minty fresh and ready for the day!
If you too, want a really peachy looking bum hole, then you will be buying anal bleach – unless you are far braver than I am and can get down on all fours with your cheeks spread while a beautician applies a caustic solution on your chocolate starfish. Personally, if I’m bleaching my ring-hole, I want to do it at home… with the door locked… whilst the kids are away on holidays… and the alarm system is on.
Got an Itchy Vag? Might be a Yeast Infection
If you have a vagina, I’m pretty sure you would have had thrush at some stage in your life. You only need it once to know you should have some on hand, because it is hard to wait for Australia Post were your vag is itchier than one-armed man with crabs.
Solo Massagers (i.e. Vibrators)
Oh don’t blush – we all have one. And if you don’t – you should. But we don’t want to head down to the local Sex Shop to peruse the selection while Barry over there is staring at you from the cash register with one hand in his pants. Nope – vibrators should be purchased online.
We might want to keep it to ourselves, it might be an accident, it might be a surprise…but other people don’t need to know about it!
I really don’t want to talk to Donna at the chemist and explain to her that I have a rash under my breasts and between my thighs and between my bum cheeks……
My snoring has often been compared to a Jumbo Jet taking off……But nobody needs to know about that!
Shitting through the eye of a needle? Got the green apple splatters? Scared to cough or sneeze? Is the Hershey Squirts keeping you from doing the things you really want? Got dishonorable discharge? Is the brown flame erupting from your corn bomber? I could keep going like this all day….there’s so many lines hahaha!
If you have a dusty crusty dustbowl or your catcher’s mitt is feeling a bit cotton-mouth? Well, you need lube. But we don’t want Cynthia from Coles know that!
Some people are embarrassed buying love balloons. Buy your wang wrappers online instead!
Toe Fungus Cream or Toe Itch Cream
Toe Fungus looks nasty! When I see it I instantly think ‘Why didn’t you wear thongs in the showers at the local pool’. Did you know it can also take up to a YEAR of treatment to get rid of it.
Hair Thinning Products
Ladies going all Phil Collins up top is not cool – but it happens more often than you think! But does Nathan with the glasses that works at the chemist need to know you are follically challenged? No, he doesn’t!
Just talking about nits makes my head itch. My kids have had them.. but they are a dirty word!
Are things itching down below? Got some critters in your fur pie? Is your downstairs mustache infected by saber-toothed crotch crickets? Got galloping dandruff in your minge tinsel?
This one’s probably the number one on the list you don’t want to experience buying in the store. It’s okay, at least you can be anonymous when purchasing online! Don’t use this type on your genital areas – if you have a penile predicament or a rocky cave, go see a Doctor!
Look ladies – after we have babies we leak like a waterfall when we jump or are startled. Or for elderly people – that don’t want people to know they wear nappies…. even if it is a fetish!
What’s your awkward experience?