Children are wonderful in many ways but they all come with a glaring factory defect: a lack of filter.
You might think your babies are such angels but when they start forming words – or worse, repeating what you say – prepare for the worst. Still, be thankful the following kids aren’t yours!
Here are the most cringe-worthy things kids have said.
1. “Her vagina was wet…”
“My daughter announced in a restaurant that her vagina was wet. I wanted to die.”
2. “[My son said] What the fuck…”
“An older woman (probably around 70) who worked at a store was talking to my son when he was 2 and gave him a sticker. He said “what the fuck” and her eyes got really big and I was so embarrassed. My husband tried to play it off by saying that he was asking for one with a truck.”
3. “Stop touching my vagina!”
“One time my uncle innocently tickled my cousin’s thighs in a store to make her laugh when she was a toddler. She did not like this and screamed, “Stop touching my vagina! Needless to say, other shoppers were very concerned.”
4. “Daddy! Why is there a monkey in the bank!?”
“It was something my aunt said (I wasn’t alive when this happened), but she grew up in a small town in Ontario, and she was at the bank with her dad (my grandpa) when she was a toddler.
Being the 80s and small town Ontario, there weren’t a lot of black people there and there was a black man in the bank, so she turns to my grandpa and says: “Daddy! Why is there a monkey in the bank!?”
The black man was highly amused by this (or so I have been told)”
5. “TUSHIES AREN’T FOR SPANKING. THEY’RE FOR POOPING!”
“It was something I said at the age of two. I was being obnoxious in a restaurant and my parents threatened to “spank me on the tushy” if I didn’t settle down.
In response, I stood tall and yelled back:
“TUSHIES AREN’T FOR SPANKING. THEY’RE FOR POOPING!”
The restaurant went silent, and then came the voice of a nearby patron:
“…well, he’s right about that!”
6. “You got babies in there?”
“When my little cousin was three, we went to a family friend’s wedding. The bride was a very, very large woman, and at the reception, my cousin walked up to her, patted her stomach with both hands, and asked her, “You got babies in there?”
After a BEYOND awkward silence, the bride laughed it off and just said, “No sweetie, that’s all me,” and walked away to talk to other guests. We all just stood there and stared at each other for a solid five minutes…..”
7. “…Mommy goes poopy in her underpants.”
“When I was three, I loudly told the waitress at our table that my “mommy goes poopy in her underpants.” Not sure where this came from, but my mom and dad were mortified and bring it up often.”
8. “ARE WE GONNA GO SWORD FIGHT WITH OUR PEE PEES?!”
“Father taking his son to the bathroom in a restaurant when his son exclaims: “ARE WE GONNA GO SWORD FIGHT WITH OUR PEE PEES?!” Dad looked like he wanted to evaporate.”
9. “…look at that freak of nature!”
“My friend’s little cousin who was about 5 at the time, pointed at an overweight old woman with a cane who was trying to navigate some stairs and shouted “look at that freak of nature!”
10. “My daddy touches me” or “Me and daddy have a secret”
“My mate as a 6-7yr old kid use to run around telling all the adults “My daddy touches me” or “Me and daddy have a secret”…
I could only imagine the old mans embarrassment.”
11. “Mommy’s private is so hairy!”
“Mommy’s private is so hairy!” I pretended that I didn’t hear anything, as the woman, my friend, seemed shocked at her toddler.”
12. “I LOVE PENIS“
“My sister went to a child’s birthday party last weekend and texted me to tell me that a little boy attending the party (aged around 4-5) yelled out “I LOVE PENIS” whilst all the kids and parents were sitting around the party table eating their cake.
Apparently, the mother of said child looked horrified.”
13. “Are you a boy or a girl?”
“Checking out at a clothing store, my daughter asked the cashier “are you a boy or a girl?” Silence. No response.
When we left the store, she asked again if the cashier was a boy or a girl. I told her the cashier was a girl.
The truth? I didn’t know.”