Ever wondered just how Swingers became Swingers? Yeah same here! We found a Swinger that would answer all the questions we had!
Thank you to our anonymous Swinger – we shall call ‘John’ for sharing his personal insight into the world of Swingers:
For me, the whole conversation about swinging was instigated by my wife. She and her girlfriend asked me if I would “Go there“. The concept of a “hall pass” started, then the conversation slowly progressed to swinging, and if it was possible to include swinging within our relationship and how that might look.
I and my wife didn’t just decide on swinging in that first single conversation. The idea was talked about over a few months, and fast forward many multiple conversations later, we worked on what the boundaries would be if we found ourselves meeting another swinging couple.
The rest was history.
It should be noted that open relationships (ability to have sexual partners outside of a relationship), polyamory (a relationship, with 2 or more partners) is not swinging, that was just how our conversation started. Also, that swinging doesn’t always happen with your partner present.
What sort of rules did you have with your partner? Did you have Rules?
We had swinging rules at the start, many were obvious (I’ve noted the most common swinging rules below). Couples and singles that enter into the swinging world are often are happy to share their rules (many will tell you upfront), and it does help for you and your partner to refine and review those rules often.
Communication is the key, you need to work as a team for swinging to work.
Typical swinging rules you hear about are:
- Safe Sex is a must! Contraception is a must!
- Partner is to be/or be not present in the same room.
- Partners only, sex in same room but no swapping, or same sex only touching (F2F action, but no guy swapping) – this can scream “insecurity issues of one partner” BTW.
- Limitations on combinations. e.g. “we only want another girl to join”.
- Limitations on intimacy / sexual acts. e.g. No kissing (pretty impractical, and screams “insecurity” as well)
- Informing the partner if they are going to be around, where they will be and who they will be with. (Safety)
- Post event communication with others. Is it a cut off and walk away, or are they allowed to remain friends (non sexual or sexual). Some great friendships are made, so I would recommend not to discount the idea.
What were the conversations like on the way home from Swinging?
Often positive! Especially if we had a great experience. We encouraged each other, the goal is to foster each other’s exploration of their sexual identity and expand sexual experiences.
However we rarely discussed the actual sexual acts, we considered that to be private to the participants. On the rare occasions we did, it was more from a comedy point of view or ‘WTF moments’.
We took our experiences as fun, and something for each other, it brought us closer as a couple.
Was there ever any jealousy? How did you deal with that?
It’s really impossible not to feel jealous sometimes, and it can be a challenge to push past those feelings of jealousy for both partners, regardless of gender.
Jealousy for men typically comes from:
- Fighting preconceived notions on control and ownership
- Self esteem issues on sexual performance
- Fears about the loss of a relationship.
Ego unfortunately does play a big role in Swinging. For me, as a married man, I considered sex as lovemaking, thus sacred to our relationship and I still do. However, the act instead is not love-making if the emotional “lovemaking” intention of both parties is not present. This helped me understand the two concepts and allowed me to silo the acts.
Providing you trust your partner that they aren’t intending to make love, and the other party isn’t either (hence swinging with another couple is sometimes seen as less risky), is a great way to look at swinging.
Jealousy in women typically comes from the same place, however is more detailed in nature e.g. “You said this, I want you to do that with me”.
Communication is the only way to deal with it. Most men struggle with communication in a relationship, so it’s something they need to be prepared to work on or already do. Typically when jealously arose it was obvious. However, it’s worth noting you need to have a good connection with your partner to read these signs and be prepared to be the one to open up the conversation. At the first sign of a question geared toward a “comparision”, don’t dismiss it, talk it out.
Over time, you do get desensitised to jealousy.
Do you think Swinging adds or subtracts from your Core Relationship?
I honestly think Swinging adds to the core relationship, but it all is a matter of perspective on what you think is the addition is you need. If you looking to explore your sexuality, then yes, swinging can add fulfilment. If you expecting it to “fix” a relationship then you may find it just exposes more cracks.
I have never seen a relationship “fixed” from swinging. I have been told so many times by active swingers “It fixed our relationship” only to find out they broke up six months later. Swinging can however make you build a stronger relationship, you will likely learn how to communicate more with each other, learn teachings that an open-minded partner can work on with you.
I think it’s best to before considering swinging & even open relationships etc to work on your relationship and ensuring you building on it instead of fixing it. If you aren’t honest with your motivations and can’t trust your partner, then you need to work on that first. This is just my opinion.
What parts of Swinging did you like? What things didn’t you like?
I really enjoyed meeting people, and seeing them peel back the veil of boundaries they had created or society has created around their sexuality. It’s like you go to see their true sexual self. Because they aren’t looking for a relationship they are disconnected enough to throw insecurities and fear of judgement aside, ask for new experiences and try things they have always wanted to do.
At first, I didn’t like BDSM, Medical Sex etc, however, I had to often remind myself that’s often my perspective and sometimes that was the experience the other person was looking for. It can however be a little confronting at first, most however because you can’t relate, don’t understand or need to challenge your mindset. You do have to challenge your preconceived notions of what you consider to be “normal”.
I also didn’t enjoy voyeurism that much, I didn’t like being watched (I have awful stage fright in general), so I didn’t feel comfortable watching either. This was more personal to me, but again sometimes I had to remember that was the experience the participants were looking for and also that I wouldn’t get into trouble haha. Of course, it can be great learning, but don’t flip out the notepad haha.
However, in talking about the negatives I did have my eye opened and mind blown. I have so much more understanding of BDSM, the artistic nature of Shibari, and the culture of swinging, all of which I see as positive learnings and unforgettable experiences. Watching someone suspend a person naked from the ceiling, using over 200 knots, in macrame like fashion, with hours of precision work is something to behold. It’s akin to watching living sculpture being made, all be it erotic in nature.
I think a lot of people think of swinging as “seedy” but most of what I experienced was completely the opposite. Most swingers are extremely respectful to boundaries, club or private party, consent is always asked, and participation is pressure-free.
Did you go to a Swingers Club? What was it like?
Yes, however, it was more an underground experience. Swingers Clubs are few and far between even in the most sexually liberated cities of Australia, like Sydney. All of my experiences were pressure-free, I was never forced to participate, however, it’s of course encouraged.
There are private rooms, large group areas, and meet and greet areas, it isn’t the seedy experience most people think. It’s not just a giant non-stop orgy in a room full of people when you walk in the door, however, there are typically areas set out for this to happen.
Typically you meet other couples and see if there is “chemistry”. Sometimes you might have organised another couple to meet you there and other times you wing it, strike up a conversation and see if it ends well. At some point guards will drop, conversations around sex and “why you are at a swingers club” take place, details are sorted out and things develop.
Private swingers parties are harder because you have to sort through the “everyone knows each other” as a newcomer, however, most are very welcoming.
Overall, here are my top observations, tips, tricks etc before trying swinging and what to expect.
- Everyone couple wants another girl! (Called a MFF) It’s rare, a girl willing to join a couple is called a “unicorn” for reason. Be prepared for a long search, and enjoy every moment when it does happen.
- Establish boundaries and most importantly communicate why! This is super important because you can both be on the same page and handle situations of you both saying “no” as a team and being firm.
- Be honest about jealousy and confront your ego. Try to get your partner to confront their fears and insecurities, BEFORE the event or they are placed in a “pressure or challenging environment”.
- Review boundaries and “check in” often (after, not during, that would be weird).
- Respect other couples and their rules and boundaries. Even if you think they are a bit insecure in nature, just leave it.
- Be prepared for push back on leaving a member of a another couple out. Couples come as pairs, just asumme that is a common rule. Unbalance of attraction can happen in a group dynamic, but it all balances out, if you continue swinging.
- Have your own “personal wish list” don’t be too rigid however, likewise have a “couple wish list”, things you can both agree on you want to try together. Most couples nearly always have “another girl” on the list.
- On the topic of “another girl”….how about “another guy”. Most guys set a double standard with this, its ok for a girl, but another guy “oh fuck no”. However I can say some of the best and most fun I’ve had is with another guy as a “wingman”. There are ways to work around “crossing swords”.
- The more people you include the more group dynamic takes play.
- Swapping partners, swap condoms. In group play, it’s a hastle, and yes you may need to stock up. Good news is that guys typically become pro’s and the “seamless condom transition” haha.
- Alcohol…double edged sword, can help calm nerves, but can erode performance and destroy a good night. Keep drinking light. Plus you want to remember your experience. If you don’t then you need to check in with yourself about why are you getting “wasted”.
- Guys….performance anxiety will get you at some point. That means you may become limp. It’s not because you can’t, it’s because your worried about the performance (espically if people are watching). This is the point that your mouth and hands are backup, anxiety will come down. Performance anxiety is typically higher in group settings, so maybe look to start with a small foray and consider dim lite enviroments or rooms. Try not to overthink, focus on having fun. Oh and if you see another guy with a limp dick, don’t be an arsehole, everyone will experience it. Ask any male pornstar about the pressure to perform, it does make it hard to “get hard” sometimes. Ladies, don’t get offended, just focus him on something else, and help him to refocus.
- Be prepared for “I want to stop”….and be respectful if one is called. Swinging can take a toll on energy as well as being confronting for other people. While it’s rare, it does happen, so “chill”. And if you have to call one yourself….do it. Swinging is mean’t to be fun and not cause drama.
- If aren’t both into it, call the night quits early. Don’t drag your poor partner around for your own enjoyment, and tell them if you are feeling that way. This again is were true honest communication is important.
Got more questions for ‘John’? Pop over to our anonymous forum – Ask Stay at Home Mum and join in the conversation.