I had a kid’s birthday party, once. Never ever fricken again.
I think I aged six years in one day. The stress was worse than getting divorced on the same day you are moving house interstate with a broken leg and a bad case of thrush.
1. Oh crap! The party is four weeks away, I better send out invitations.
2. Next year I’ll be more organised and order those cute personalised invites online.
3. Hmmm, I feel like maybe I said that last year……
4. Anyway, invites. Aargh, what is the name of that kid in his class he is always talking about?
5. Peter, Paul, Bruce, Beetle, who the f***k knows?
6. Maybe his Mum is on that Facebook group.
7. Brophy, what kind of a name is Brophy?
8. Now to find the kid from cricket” Seton, Sexton, Snedan? Satan?
9. Okay invites done, should I book a venue or do it here?
10. That adventure park looks cool.
11. Yikes that’s expensive, are those trampolines fitted with white gold springs?
12. So, a party at home it is then.
13. I can get a marquee and decorate it, it will look amazing.
14. I’ll pick a theme and match the colour pallete.
15. Just call me Kim K, the K stands for Kmart because Mumma’s on a budget.
16. I can totally do this on a budget.
17. Space theme! how hard can that be?
18. Siri, how many planets are there?
19. This will be easy, they’re basically coloured balls. Ha ha…balls.
20. Pom poms. Add to cart. Sparklers. Add to cart. Balloons. Add to cart.
21. Inflatable limbo. ADD TO CART.
22. Yes! Under budget!
23. Two weeks to go, why don’t people RSVP anymore?
24. Is it too needy to message them? I’ll give them a few more days.
25. Okay, one week to go now”¦
26. “Hi Judy, just planning the food for the birthday party and wondering if your little one can make it?”
27. I should check the weather, aaargh rain predicted. WTF!
28. Okay don’t panic, it’s just a 30% chance.
29. Google “Halls for hire near me.”
30. No no, don’t be silly it’s not going to rain.
31. I’ll check BOM”¦ hmmm 20% that’s better, deep breaths.
32. Should I buy a cake or order one?
33. I can bake, Martha Stewart does it baked, how hard can it be?
34. Also, their planets, literally colourful circles.
35. How many planets are there again?
36. Do I need to get food colouring with no additives?
37. Does that even exist?
38. Wow, that’s expensive”¦ a little bit of old-fashioned food colouring never killed anyone.
39. How much food do I need?
40. Someone should invent an app that calculates how much food you need for a party.
41. Ouch, this is getting expensive.
42. Maybe I should see if that adventure park is still available.
43. Booked out. I hope it doesn’t rain.
44. How am I going to cook all of this food?
45. Oh, shit I forgot about the kids with allergies.
46. I need to get more food.
47. Now I’m really over budget.
48. Oh, look how cute that star pinata is, that’s space-themed.
49. Two days to go. Ok, everything is looking good.
50. Gluten-free quiches baked.
51. Dairy-free tarts in the freezer.
52. I am such a good mum.
53. Oh my god, I forgot to invite his best friend.
54. “Hi Lucy, planning a little last-minute thing“
55. Crisis averted.
56. Time to start baking.
57. This is kind of fun.
58. Why don’t I do this more often?
59. I should get into this, this could be my new hobby.
60. What! Why isn’t it rising?
61. OMG EGGS! I forgot the eggs.
62. Surely, I can add them in now.
63. Yeah, that looks ok. I’ll just cook it a bit longer than it says on the box.
64. Alright, six different icing colours prepared.
65. Why is it going all bubbly?
66. It’s sliding off, what is going on? It didn’t do that in the YouTube video!
67. All of the planets are brown.
68. Maybe I can hide it with some edible glitter.
69. Well, my kid just said it looks like glittery baby poo.
70. Off to Woolies, I go.
71. Why didn’t anyone tell me they sell drip cakes here? These look amazing!
72. I’ll just buy some planets, stick them on and tell everyone I made it.
73. No that would be wrong, I won’t tell people I made it I just won’t go out of my way to tell them that I didn’t.
74. Is that a rain cloud?
75. Google “find a hall near me.”
76. All booked out. 80% chance of rain.
77. I’m going to text everyone I know and see how many marquees I can borrow.
78. Don’t panic.
79. Kids love rain.
80. Parents do not.
81. Maybe if I move the lounge, I could fit everyone in here.
82. What if a kid touches one of my plants?
83. I’m just going to think positively, deep breaths.
84. Oh my god, I forgot party bags.
85. Back to Kmart, I go.
86. Ooooh, that bunting is so cute.
87. And look at those sparkly serving bowls, they definitely match the theme.
88. What did I come here for?
89. Okay, the party is in two hours.
90. Don’t stress, just enjoy the day with your little man.
91. This place looks amazing, I really am a good Mum.
92. Omg, the party bags.
93. I’ll send my husband back to Kmart to get 20 of those $1 bubble sticks.
94. Okay, decorations are up, minimal tantrums (from me).
95. The entertainer is here on time, thank God. Hope he isn’t a peado.
96. For the amount I paid them they better perform Bluey impressions while they paint faces”¦ blindfolded.
97. Is that kid touching my Magnolia plant?
98. At least the food looks good.
99. Aaaagh Is that bloody Judy and her egg-free child!?!
100. This is so stressful, next year I am going to be way more organised and book one of those adventure parks.