Thanks to Gwyneth Paltrow there’s been a recurring trend of putting things inside our vagina…ahem,
Sorry…yoni…for purposes of “increases chi, orgasms, vaginal muscle tone, hormonal balance, and feminine energy in general“.
A photo of a curiously shaped, peeled cucumber caught my eye recently, and after I read the accompanying post, I knew I had to share it with the SAHM community!
According to Gigi Dowell, a self-proclaimed expert in all things astrology, numerology, crystals, sex education and healing tools and singer, cucumbers are “a natural cleaner for restoring PH to your yoni”. (By the way, is it just me but when a post features the word “yoni”, I know it is definitely going to be some batshit-crazy, woo-woo).
Speaking of batshit crazy, before I tackle the facts of how a vagina actually works I wanted to draw your attention to some of the comments from her fans. It appears that sticking a peeled cucumber up you hoo-ha is not that uncommon. Whaaaaat?
“Afterwards…it feels cool, like my Yoni got a facial”
“I’ve slept with mine inside of me, smelled like a day spa when I woke up”
“I used to do it weekly. Will resume after the baby arrives”
Of course there was the fan who needed some further clarification on the matter:
“My wife asks does the type of cucumber matter? Organic of English?”
And the obligatory anti-GMO activist.
“Now if we can only find real authentic cucumbers and not these GMO cucumbers that have no seeds”
Right, so I would love to know how a peeled cucumber is beneficial for the vagina. According to another comment “Bacteria and germs hate cucumbers. My son had tapeworms and parasite infection and cucumber was used as a natural remedy to kill and flush them out. They can’t stand the stuff. It’s a horrible poison to them”.
Hmmmm……I didn’t think tapeworms and parasites and bacteria and germs were the same thing, but facts matter little to these sorts of people. Let’s take a look at the first part of the statement “bacteria and germs hate cucumbers”.
In 2011, 16 people in Germany died after consuming a toxic strain of e-coli traced to organic cucumbers and in 2015 there was a massive salmonella outbreak in 27 American states due to contaminated cucumbers. Clearly bacteria can thrive on cucumbers and can also be deadly.
So now that claim is debunked, let’s look at the second benefit that a peeled cucumber can heal and restore the PH balance inside a vagina.
One of the beauties of a vagina is that it is self-cleaning. It is lined by many types of glands that produce the fluids that lubricate as well as cleanse it.
PH refers to acidity levels within a certain environment.
A vaginal pH of 3.5 – 4.5 indicates that there is the perfect amount of good bacteria (lactobacilli), and no overgrowth of the bad bacteria that can cause nasty smells, itchiness and sometimes lead to infection. If the vaginal pH becomes unbalanced, meaning that there is not enough good bacteria and too much bad bacteria, it can result in bacterial vaginosis or vaginal thrush.
It’s a very fine line between a balanced and unbalanced pH level so clearly putting anything that doesn’t really belong in there (the pH of a cucumber is 5.12-5.78) changes the pH balance and bacteria can overgrow. Plus, if a piece of the cucumber breaks off it can conceivably get lodged in the vaginal canal and rot away. Gross!
The final benefit that is probably the most obvious by the way she has meticulously carved the cucumber is it can also be used for sexual pleasure!
After her post got into the hands of the scientifically literate and she received an influx of negative responses, she penned a highly eloquent rebuttal in a post that has since been deleted or made private.
“Just a lil info for ya’ll, know that I’m a microbiologist so I studied bacteria for a living….Cucumber is nothing but WATER!!!! Hahaha!!! 95% Water!!!!! Which is an answer to all your dry needs…but ya’ll rather grab…Plastic dildo’s and metal bullets…and that’s better? Cucumbers belong to (the Cucurbitaceae family) just like watermelon, cucumbers help you stay hydrated and lubricated. Vitamin K, B vitamins, copper, potassium, vitamin C, and manganese, cucumbers can help you to avoid nutrient deficiencies that are widespread among those eating a typical American diet. Plus, cucumbers contain unique polyphenols and other compounds that may help reduce your risk of chronic diseases and much, much more…if you feeling like you want a little cooling and refreshing feeling, why not give your yoni a drink?”
Why not indeed.
Oh, and apparently you can use the same method to cleanse your throat and mouth.
Hopefully with a different cucumber…
On a side note, if you make yoghurt with your vagina then add the cucumber, you may end up with a pretty fierce tzatziki. Just saying.