Ask SAHM is a place where you can ask our staff & community a question safely & anonymously. Please read our disclaimer.

Am I being too harsh on my fifo partner and over-reacting or am I right and he’s in the wrong for ringing and messaging women he doesn’t know when at work?

We’ve been together 2 yrs, last 18 mths he’s been hooked on a game. I let the constant game playing and game chat go and tried to “understand” but recently I had a bad gut feeling about the chat on it. I asked to have a look and seen that he was messaging other women on there and they had been ringing each other one on one when he’s away at wrk. I confronted him and he went crazy at me and shut the convo down. He went back to work this wk 4/1 and I had to bring it up as it still wasn’t sitting right. He again went nuts at me said that he gets lonely up there and he doesn’t like talking to friends like I do so he needs to vent to someone. He said it’s not cheating (although I thought the messages were crossing the line) and that they are in America anyway. Told me he’s not going to stop and that was that. I feel awful at the moment, every night it’s crossing my mind that he’s on the phone to these other women. Am I right in thinking that it’s wrong to be ringing and messaging women you dont know when away at work to talk about your girlfriend and they’re relationship. He totally my feelings again. He was defensive and angry, very willing to throw away our relationship over it so I reckon it’s been going a while and that there’s some feelings with them


Got an Answer?

Answers (17)

Grown a*s men that are hooked on games? Red flag. The fact that he went nuts at you and didn't hear you out? Red flag. Values a game and talking to other women more than you? Red flag.
Please, OP, before you get any more seeious with this guy, cut ties and run.

 I feel like he'll start blaming her for his behaviours too. It really doesn't sound good.
helpful (2) 
 ^Yes, this is exactly what he will do.
helpful (0) 
 I don't think theres anything wrong with him playing games, he spends 4 weeks by himself, that would drive most people crazy. Whatever passes the time.
helpful (0) 
 She said constant. Difference. Personally can't stand gaming "men".
helpful (0) 
 And he is also 'passing the time' chatting to other women.
helpful (2) 
 Well its probably no different to some women being on their phones all the time. It really does depend on the nature of the call for it to be considered wrong in my book. If he is just talking and offloading his problems to someone on the other side of the world then who really cares? Its ok for women to do this with people their partner actually knows so I'm kind of seeing double standards here.
helpful (0) 
 No one is saying it's ok for women to do. I don't think it's ok for women to offload on the phone to other men.
helpful (3) 
 ^ why not? I have mostly male friends, I have no female friends I am close to, i offload to my male friends about my relationship. My partner’s best friend is a female, he does the same. It is no different to if we were talking to same sex friends. I hate the notion that men and women can’t be friends just because it’s against some weird societal rules. It’s wrong to have opposite sex friends who you talk to according to some people, yet if I were to have a gay male best friend who I told everything to, let him see me naked and grab my tits that wouldn’t be seen as bad as having a platonic friendship with a woman who doesn’t do half the stuff some women do with gay men.
helpful (0) 
 Wow there's a lot to unpack from this cluster of wtf.
1. Male and female friendships. Sure, but if your partner is uncomfortable with the nature of your friendship, you have to weigh up which relationship is more important. You can't say "if my partner has a problem with it too bad", and "I'm trying my hardest to strengthen my relationship with my partner". It doesn't work that way. Particularly in this instance.
2. Societal norms. Really? Rebel all you want. Literally no one is stopping you. It's clear that OP is uncomfortable with that idea though, so....
3. This gay man you're stripping off in front of and allowing to grope you. Wtf. There are so many big fat NO's there. Stripping off in front of another man (his sexual orientation is irrelevant) - why? What are the circumstances? Unless you're forced or its an emergency, why would anyone think stripping off in front of another adult even, would be relevant?
Why is he groping your breasts? For what purpose? Society says eew.

helpful (2) 
 There is something wrong with the friendship if you are defensive, angry and a c**t when asked about the nature of the conversations.

But why would you be letting anyone grope your breasts if youre in a relationship?

helpful (2) 
 I do have a gay bestie, and no no nooooo! He does not see me naked or touch my breasts.

I also want to add that over the years, I thought that I had more male friends than females. Turns out they weren't friends at all but we're all waiting for opportunities to get in my knickers. Every single one of them!

But this isn't about him just chatting to females in a friendly way or playing a game. This is a bratty man child who needs to grow up. This is two years OP won't get back, she needs to run

helpful (0) 
 I concur with men friends who are just waiting for the opportunity to arise where they might have a crack at you. I've been disappointed with this many times.
helpful (3) 

You know it's wrong. It feels wrong. His reaction to being asked is also wrong. Don't put up with it! Find a way to get out xx

Oh honey, I'm sorry you're going through this. My husband used to be FIFO too and I know how hard it can be at times.
I think you're right to be upset. FIFO relationships need to be 100% open and transparent. Not secretly messaging others and secret phone calls. If he needs to vent so badly why not get a counsellor? Or vent to you? How would he feel if it was the other way around? How long until he starts venting to a peggy (cleaner) in camp, or one of the office girls there? The seed of doubt has been sowed, and is growing into a strong little weed. It's time to end this. I'm so sorry.

I agree with every response given so far. I have nothing more to add. Big hugs, what a shitty situation xx

 I too agree with the other responses. Its devastating, but better to find out now than later. If hes talking to them the way you describe, its emotional cheating.
helpful (4) 

He’s not your life partner. He clearly has no respect for you. And if he isn’t already cheating on you in the physical sense then he will be soon. Cut your losses and leave.

 Sorry, I read fifo as life lol. Still, he definitely isn’t the one you’re meant to spend your life with.
helpful (2) 

That's emotional cheating love. Walk away! There's no respect for you there. I'm sorry xxx

Get rid of him. His reaction should be enough to
Show you his intention and attitude. Hugs

Who cares what he thinks, it would be unacceptable to me and that’s all that matters because it’s extremely disrespectful. Plenty more fish in the sea.

 That is the key word. Disrespectful. And he is gaslighting her because he knows it.
helpful (0) 

Been there done that ! Sounds oh so familiar ..walk while you can

If it's innocent you would have known about these female friends already it wouldn't be a secret. He is trying to have his cake and eat it too

Ditch him. Let him have his imaginary girlfriends in other countries. He might wake up to himself when theres no one to touch.

If he let you look at it then he probably thought it wasn't worth hiding? I know its not the best thing for him to do but if they are just chatting while they are playing the game then its probably not the most serious conversation.

 I wonder if she is playing games when he is away that involves talking to other men and chatting with them? I sincerely doubt it. If he can't show her the same courtesy then I don't think he is the guy for her. He should hook up with some fellow gaming chick and she should go find someone better suited to her. She will be more valued as a result.
helpful (0) 
 Why is he so defensive about it then? If he’s lonely he should be talking to OP, his partner...... who’s likely equally as lonely while he’s on swing..... not strangers. Who are women.
helpful (1) 
 He got defensive after he let her look and she got angry at what she saw, not before she even looked which would be a problem. I think it depends greatly on the nature of the call whether its wrong or not.
helpful (0) 
 He wasn’t happy about me looking at his phone. He opened it for me on to a group chat not thinking I would find the one on one chats. When I found it and I asked him if they call each other, he said no so when I asked what’s this then? he then grabbed the phone out of my hand and said that’s enough. Wouldn’t let me look at anything else. Carried on to say it’s all in my head. The messages that I saw were very flirtatious. I said I wasn’t ok with it and he got angry. After a few hours he was acting like nothing had happened and didn’t want to talk about it. I don’t play games online like that, and I don’t speak to other men. He didn’t even like me speaking to an old male friend, which I respected. If another guy even looks at me whilst we’re together. He goes off. Keep thinking I can fix him and that he will see where I’m coming from. I don’t mind him speaking to females just not strangers on the phone when he’s away. If friends why can’t they speak to each other when he’s home too?
helpful (0) 
 ^There you go. Enough said.
helpful (2) 
 Yeah that's a toxic man lady back away. You can do better, none of that sounds healthy.
helpful (1)