If he doesn't get the point, then I'd stop doing things for him. Don't wash his clothes, don't cook him meals etc. Once he has to spend his own precious time doing these things he might appreciate you more.

This is going to sound bad- but, when I was at home all the time, my husband did not appreciate it (he probably secretly resented it) , they don’t see all the invisible work you do and even if they did, they see it as ‘easy’. He also had an attitude of I earn the money, so I should ultimately have the final word in how it is spent. He never verbalised any of this, but I could feel it, and it was there in his attitudes and lack of appreciation. Make sure your self esteem isn’t reliant on him either. I started working almost full time again this year, and We pay a cleaner to Come once a fortnight. My husband tells me all the time now that he appreciates me, helps more with the kids (does school drop offs and pick ups when he can), tells me that he knows I work hard....my self esteem is better and I’m happier because I’m working and have other things to think about all day than what him and the kids are doing. We feel more equal, and our relationship is better. He would never admit it, but his respect of me when I was “only working a couple of hours” and for the most part a housewife was not there. It is wrong, and women should be able to choose, but I think a lot of men have this attitude, wether they admit it or not.....

And also: how can I learn to let go of some of the shitty things he's done in the past that hurt me?

Tattoos bug the shit out if me they're soooooo expensive

I think some of us back ourselves into a corner and its tricky to get out. He is probably used to how things are and you need to slowly implement changes. Stand up for yourself and tell him he has to be home to watch the kids so you can go out, or pay an expensive babysitter. I was in a similar situation in regards to all the kid stuff and house work being left to me and the struggle just to get time away to get a hair cut. I went back to work four days a week, the day off a week IS NOT to catch up on house work, its my time to myself. I take this time as he takes lots of time for himself with his hobbies. The weekend either we all clean the house, or no one does and he hates mess he has learned to help of live in squalor. I think working is a great way to feel independent, and spend the money what you want.

What was the book?

You sound really unfilled and unhappy. It must have been like this for awhile. Do you still love him? Have you considered marriage counseling? It can be really helpful having an impartial person help you to communicate effectively.

He's had these expensive hobbies for a long time now and I've never really complained. I've voiced my concerns about them when money has been tight and he's managed to scrape up the cash to go do them. But I don't push the issue since he earns all the money and I'm lucky to be able to live the life I do.
The deeper issue is though, I feel that he doesn't really love me anymore (sorry I realise this is a bit of a mess jumping from one issue to another, I'm having trouble getting my thoughts in line). Like he will go out and do his things, and leave me to do everything else. I never get a break from being Mummy. He can spend so much money on shit for himself, but he can't stop and get me flowers? Even after I've begged him.
He can go out for hours and hours, but can't watch the children so I can have a couple of hours to myself?
He can do such lovely things for himself, but never makes the effort to make me feel special?
When I bring this up with him he doesn't even listen. I just want him to show me that he loves me. Me as an individual, not just the role I play in his house. Jesus fucking Christ I can't find the words. Im a wreck right now.

Basically: how do I learn to feel special and appreciate the shit he DOES do for me (financial support, pretty good in bed, occasionally wipes off the piss he left on the toilet seat)? Or is there a way to get him to compliment me occasionally or something?

Maybe it’s time you study and/or do something for yourself and he can take on his fair share of the cooking, looking after house and kids?