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Supporting a child you no longer see.

Answered 11 months ago

My husband has a 13 year old son from a previous relationship. They always had a rocky relationship and struggled to bond. Dad only had minimal contact with his son as a baby, only had regular access since he was around 5 years old. Mum re married and her husband has raised the boy as his own from around the age on 1. Once my husband and I had a child the relationship between my husband and his older son deteriorated. About a year ago step son chose to cut contact.
With regards to child support the parents chose not to have regular payments, but my husband pays half of school stuff, sport, general expenses. Mum usually emails the invoice. Since the son chose to stop contact husband hadn't received any invoices, we didn't know if it was because every thing was cancelled due to covid or if mum chose not to send. Husband just received a few invoices for sport, school and sport uniforms and shoes.
My question is to anyone who has been in this situation, did you continue to pay for a child you don't see?
My husband has respected his sons wishes, and feels these are natural consequences for his decision. Its not out of spite, but wanting to focus on his family, which his son has chosen not to be a part of. I don't have anyone to talk about this with in real life.


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ANSWER
11 months ago
This is a very touchy subject. You'll get varied replies. Some will be extremely mean and others will try to support with the facts behind in and some in between.
I'm a mum with 3 kids who have a dad that decides to stop paying while hes wooing the new girlfriend. It's happened often. My opinion though is that of a parent decides to keep the child away from the other parent they shouldn't receive a cent.
If, like me as a child of divorced parents choose not to see the other parent because of the awful step mother and dad not putting a stop to it then it still needs to be paid but only what child support states and nothing more.
Just my opinion.

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REPLY
11 months ago
Its not the mum stopping him, and it's more me, not because we don't get along, it's because he feels replaced by our kids.

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11 months ago
He has been replace by your kids though. You said your husband just wants to move on with his family. That's cruel. He's only a child

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11 months ago
The child has cut his own dad out so yes he should move on for his own mental health

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11 months ago
The kids did change the dynamics at home, but they still had one on one time. His siblings didn't replace him any more than any other siblings replace a child. What do you suggest my husband do, force a relationship?

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11 months ago
This is just horrible. It isn't at all about the best interests of your step-son but rather your husband acting like a child and punishing his son for reacting to being rejected. Way to go to push the rejection from your husband even further. By the sounds of it the kid is probably better off without either of you in his life. He may have chosen to not continue visitation after a shonky effort from his father to develop and maintain a relationship; but that doesn't absolve his dad of responsibilty. Hopefully his mother and stepfather continue to pick up the slack and the kid isn't too badly damaged for it. Shameful.

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11 months ago
Op
I think it started off as a way for the son to punish his dad, and now my husband is trying to punish his son, even though he doesn't realise it. Husband did contact csa and is about to make regular payments, so he will be contributing. He got another email from mum, it was to make him feel guilty, and it did. So will be interesting to see what happens.

ANSWER
11 months ago
OP I would never give up on my child. I'd always be in the background.
That's unconditional parental love.
It really is concerning that you and your husband don't understand it. Careful you and your kids don't end up on your husband's scrap heap too 🤔

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11 months ago
Would you try to buy the child's love?

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11 months ago
I would never give up on my kids, but you can't force a relationship on someone that doesn't want one. I would write to the child saying the door is always open if they change their mind.

ANSWER
11 months ago
You may vey well find yourself in the same position as the ex. Behave wisely.

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11 months ago
I would love hundreds of dollars in my account every time I asked.

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11 months ago
OP
Its not about the money, there are funds for what ever the child needs, its the expectation that he can ask for things despite not having a relationship with his dad. My husband wants him to understand that he ended the relationship, and the spoils that went with that are gone.

REPLY
11 months ago
^ yeah i don't think the comment before you is from the OP 😂😂

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11 months ago
A child can end a relationship. I did when I was 13. I didn't talk to my dad for 7 years.

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11 months ago
I ended my relationship with my dad 10 years ago havent looked back.

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11 months ago
I know people who decided to cut off contact with their dad's, Dad tried to take the mother to court over or, only to be told his child is old enough to make that decision (was in teens) and pay child support. He also thought the court would support his right to show up to his ex house whenever he felt like it.
Anyway point is, he had the child, he should pay for child, regardless

REPLY
11 months ago
I wouldn't.

REPLY
11 months ago
I don't think you should have to pay for a child you don't see. My partner can't see his daughter, so he stopped paying anything.

ANSWER
11 months ago
Op
Hi thanks for the replies. I sat my husband down last night he has to deal with this. He agreed that a regular amount is the way to go, and is going to contact csa and get the ball rolling today. The reason this hasn't been done before is the amount of child support is very small, so they felt it easier to pay for agreed things, and things my husband can see benefit the child.

He finally wrote back to mums email and nicely said he has respected his sons wishes and stayed away, he doesn't want to be contacted again, and about paying support through csa.
He wished his son all the best in life, but he is no longer able to supplement his lifestyle.

Hopefully now we can move on.

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REPLY
11 months ago
Your husbands response is almost certainly going to cause that child an enormous amount of emotional distress. Despite the fact that this child sounds far better off without him his (your husbands) actions were cruel and immature.

Be careful OP, he’s showing the sort of man he truely is...

REPLY
11 months ago
I don't think she is going to show him the email.

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11 months ago
Wonder what will happen if you and your husband divorce. Hope you are looking forward to the same treatment should your relationship dissolve.

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11 months ago
I imagine it would be a very different situation.

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11 months ago
What the actual f*ck? Your hsb wrote that and you support this? What an a-hole u both are, that kid is better off without seeing u. By the way its the law to pay child support and with 100% care it will be more than sports fees and equipment i bet!

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11 months ago
The op said child support was $20 a week. I don't think that will cover it.

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11 months ago
And if she does show him?

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11 months ago
Then he might learn there are consequences for his actions, and that's why he won't be racing any more.

ANSWER
11 months ago
I dunno but I asked my child's dad buy a new laptop for school the other day. Because I couldn't afford one and it was necessary for schooling, and he bought it because he's not a douche.

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11 months ago
If my step kids refused to see us, then after a year expected to be bought stuff I would tell them to fuck off. But fortunately they aren't entitled little brats.

ANSWER
11 months ago
My husband has a child he hasn't been allowed to see since the child was a toddler. We struggled to pay the cs financially and emotionally, so my husband went to uni while I work. If you don't want a child to see their dad you can't expect him to pay for the kid.

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11 months ago
You know u can always go to court for access. If you wanted or he wanted a rwlationship hed fight for one.

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11 months ago
Yeah this is what I don’t get.
I think it’s a cop out if people say they weren’t allowed to see
Unless they’ve blatenly broken court orders and always have done so which iv never seen people successfully do (though I’m sure it sometimes happens) it’s bullshit.

REPLY
11 months ago
Depends if the person has the money for family courtv

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11 months ago
Family court can be done with out a lawyer involved. Also before family court YOU go through mediation. Again low cost. If that fails you apply for legal aid again free.

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11 months ago
Have you ever used legal aide? They are hopeless plus not everyone qualifies

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11 months ago
Yes I used legal aid but family violence and ivo were in place to protect us. They stuffed up a lot but they helped me. And end of the day kids being safe is more important

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11 months ago
^ This

ANSWER
11 months ago
How much money are we talking? What kind of sport?

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11 months ago
Go cart racing. He spent about $2500 on that last year, along with clothes, uniforms etc.

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11 months ago
Holy shit that is definitely a luxury!!!

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11 months ago
Yes, and he is due to move up a class soon, and that's when it really adds up.

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11 months ago
The kid needs a job

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11 months ago
Thats only $50 a week and mum has 100% of all other costs.

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11 months ago
The child support is for other costs, not extra curricula activities. If his mum wants him to continue she can pay for it.

ANSWER
11 months ago
He has to pay child support regardless of what you think or feel or your opinion, it's the law 🙄
If your husband doesn't pay what seems very bare minimum and reasonable, I hope the mother does collect proper payments and gives you something to really whine about.

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11 months ago
She is welcome to apply for a token amount of child support. I meant actually supporting the child. Paying for the child's expenses so to speak.

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11 months ago
Why don't you apply for it? You're the pissed off one about having to pay for sport.

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11 months ago
^ this

REPLY
11 months ago
The bio dad is clearly paying well above any assessment rate

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11 months ago
Yes, the assessment is something like $20 a week. He was paying a few thousand a year. And rightly so, kids are bloody expensive. But his son wanted to play an expensive sport, the fees are a bit expensive, but the equipment was astronomical considering how often it had to be replaced. The only reason he could play is his dad paid half.

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11 months ago
To your last comment, good. Your husband should ensure that his child can pursue their hobby, I assume he's not racing $100k thoroughbreds or anything.

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11 months ago
Yes its bloody racing. But not at that price.

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11 months ago
To one of the responders here. How can you think that a parent SHOULD ensure a child an pursue the child's passion? Even parents that are still together don't have to do this. That's a ridiculous argument. There are other kids to consider. And great, if a parent wants and has the means to then that's amazing but a parent does not HAVE to.
Kids should not feel entitled!

ANSWER
11 months ago
Stay out of it. Firstly it’s not your business, it’s between him and his ex wife and he is OBLIGATED to pay for his son. Think yourself lucky he hasn’t had to pay regular ongoing child support and the ex wife seems like someone who is happy to do things on her own because not seeing a child at all increases child support by quite a bit and at the end of the year it would absolutely be more than him just paying for a few nominal activities and schooling.

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REPLY
11 months ago
He isn't obligated to pay for extra stuff tho, I think it's fair to pay the minimum but not for sport.

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11 months ago
But they don't have a proper payment set up. If they don't want to pay for sport then go throught the courts (or whoever I have no idea) and set up a child support payment plan. Not just invoices every now and then.

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11 months ago
You don’t go through the courts you simply call child support and ask they do an assessment and bio dad can pay direct to csa, make a file of every receipt and invoice email until now that he’s paid.
It is her business, she shares finances with this bloke!

REPLY
11 months ago
It’s not her business. It’s between him and his ex wife. I highly doubt what she is asking for is unreasonable and this whole conversation is fucking petty. Ok yeah have a sook about him paying $150 for basketball .... she goes to child support and stings him for all those years he has paid nothing. Your all fucking ridiculous. Why create drama when there doesn’t have to be any.

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11 months ago
If it was $150 for basketball I would pay it myself 🤣

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11 months ago
And I would have loved to stay out it. If I didn't get involved he would have just done nothing ever, leaving the boys mum to continue buying things for her son expecting to be reimbursed for half.

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11 months ago
You can't get child support back dated, it starts the date its applied for with csa.

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11 months ago
It's not $150 for basketball. If you read the comments properly you'd see it was for thousands for racing. That's a luxury sport!

ANSWER
11 months ago
I'm never surprised at anything on this page anymore. I knew when I saw this question that there would be a witch hunt response from some against the step mother or father.
I think responses about the child being a child is very naive. Some kids have the attitude that they deserve so much even if they decide to cut contact. I agree that the father should pay what CSA calculate but no more. Hes decided that this man is not dad, should have nothing to do with his life but still wants over and above to pay for a sport that is expensive. Yes, sport can be important for mental health and for fitness but racing is not just your usual sport. Thousands of dollars is ridiculous compared to $150 a season.
At 13 he shouldn't expect to put his hand out and receive from a man he has cut ties with.
This is part of what is wrong with this generation. We are raising some very selfish individuals that make their own rules.
I've been on both sides of this situation: a child who didn't want a relationship with my dad and as a a single parent who receives periodic payments from child support. I wouldn't ask anything from my dad (who I now have a good relationship with) but I also wouldn't approve of my children asking for an unreasonable amount from their father for a luxury sport like racing.
My opinion will rub some up the wrong way just like some of the responses on here rubbed me up the wrong way.

ANSWER
11 months ago
Your husband should want to pay more than the minimum required to support his own child, his having to pay some money toward a sport is pretty minimal so I'd say he got off lightly. Children are a life long responsibility, your husband is the adult in this situation so he was responsible for maintaining an emotional relationship with his son and he failed in that, that he is now trying to get out of the bare, bare minimum is pretty reprehensible in my opinion.

And regardless of the language you and your husband chose to use, his son IS part of his family which means a life long and ongoing emotional and financial responsibility.

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REPLY
11 months ago
He will pay the child support, but that's it for now. In a year or so I plan to suggest putting money aside to give him when he is older. Will let the dust settle first.

REPLY
11 months ago
Agree with this comment

ANSWER
11 months ago
You husband is ONLY legally obligated to pay the amount child support works out based on their calculations. Any sport, holiday, clothing will need to be on the mother. Too many mums cheat the system as your partners mum seems to be by not going through csa for assessments. Your partner needs an assessment then needs to work out if he has been wrongly overpaying.

ANSWER
11 months ago
If it was me I would’ve gone to court for visitation rights from the beginning. When I hear people say the other person made things difficult to see the child it’s like... did u try though?

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REPLY
11 months ago
No, he was going to, but then mum met her now husband and it settled down.

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11 months ago
This. For years a man I know told anyone who listened how unfair it was that he had to pay child support for girls he never saw. Truth is that he moved 4 hours away from where they lived so that limited his time with them and he didn't think it fair so he would keep them for longer than allowed. When this happened time after time the mother went to court and it was decided that from now on visitation would be at a community centre. Not happy with this he wrote a note to his girls basically saying have a nice life. I would be part of it but I will send money. He played the part of a poorly done by dad but it was all his doing.

REPLY
11 months ago
He only saw the child every few months for the first year. Mum was upset and made it difficult. Husband was looking at taking her to court, she met her now husband and allowed access. It was one afternoon a fortnight initially and increased over time. But while this was happening the step dad became dad, he was there, he is a great man and is very good with the son. The issue is the son doesn't want to spend every other weekend here. Us having kids made it worse, the son is very much an only child and very temperamental. He has cut other family members out too, it was always a matter of time before he refused to see his dad. My husband could and should have done things differently, but didn't abandon his son. I wasn't there initially so that's just from what I have heard.

REPLY
11 months ago
Op , i know it doesn’t count for much, but I think trust your gut- I think you are handling this well and you clearly are trying to do the right thing.

ANSWER
11 months ago
Reading back the question I really didn't word it well. Its not about supporting the child, he will but not in the same way. Husband is upset, his son said I don't want to be part of your life, but then receives an email from mum wanting a huge amount of money to play a very expensive sport, amongst other things. He feels like its a slap in the face. I don't know how to advise and support him. He is dithering over how to reply, and I'm worried because he needs to let mum know now so she can decide if she can pay for it on her own. He wants his son to understand he can't ask for $300 shoes from a person you refuse to see.

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REPLY
11 months ago
This seems reasonable. Have him set up ‘proper’ child support, that way Mum can budget long term for this kind of thing.

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11 months ago
This is what I will do, then there is no need for contact.

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11 months ago
Perhaps the father needs to speak to the mother and they need to figure out a way for the son to see the father. Even if the son dosnt like it that much, if he is safe with his father he should see him anyway.

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11 months ago
He has tried, its been difficult for a few years. My husband asked if he could watch him play sport so he could still be a part of his life, and requested mum send photos and videos of him. But the son wrote a letter saying he has always seen his step dad as his father, and doesn't have room in his life for us, wants to spend time with his friends not people that he has an obligation to see. To please not contact him at all any more. It was brutal and the worst experience of my life. I don't think there is a way past this.

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11 months ago
Bloody hell, if that’s the case I would write the email about a csa assessment and maybe add that his son has his email address if he wishes to form a relationship in the future

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11 months ago
Thanks he did finally send the email.

ANSWER
11 months ago
I have two step children, their mum doesent work, never has, probably never will. When they were younger we bought good quality shoes, school uniform and paid for school fees, excursions and things like that. We don't now they are older, and its because they will do anything to get out of seeing us. There are no issues, they just have better things to do. We pay the legally required child support and thats it. If we get a call saying we need to pay half of a school camp, we suggest they see if they can just go for half the camp.

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11 months ago
^ Lol. We were the same. My oldest stepkid is 19 so we don't do child support any more and they're all working anyway. If they get really stuck though we'll help them out

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11 months ago
Hang on its a school camp its part of schooling are you that petty that a school related expense cant be shared? Child support doesnt take those into consideration and like it or not its a good experience and factor in their school life. That is just petty and thats from someone on just $30 month. So I can say that. If the shoe was reversed i would try to pay half as its for their schooling. They do lots on the camp in class afterwards.

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11 months ago
Child support is supposed to cover everything for the child

ANSWER
11 months ago
I wouldn’t pay for extra sports for a child that disrespected even if they lived with me.
I wouldn’t pay for extra sports if money was tight, they are a luxury.
I definitely wouldn’t pay for extra luxuries for a child that didn’t want anything to do with me.

He needs to get on the Centrelink estimator and get an estimate of the child support he is expected to pay and call child support and have it set up as a csa collection. Even though that money should go towards the son, the mother can do whatever she wants with that money as long as she’s not neglecting the child.
He then needs to reply to the mother ASAP letting her know so she can decide if she will pay the extra, there’s always the chance that the son doesn’t even know dad chips in towards the extra stuff.
At 13 he’s almost old enough to get a job, maybe he should do that if he wants expensive things (not meaning the sports, someone mentioned $300 shoes)
At 13 you can decide who you want in your live. I tell my kids , you are always allowed to leave a situation, regardless of what it is and where you are, sometimes the other people won’t like it and that’s their choice how they react. Relationships, work, family, parties

ANSWER
11 months ago
She is asking for very little from him. Your husband made choices that created the child not wanting to see him. He made choices that have lead to having a distant relationship. The least he could do is some financial support here and there. Ignoring legal responsibilities, he has a moral obligation to at least give some form of care to the life he chose to create.

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11 months ago
He did, but without getting into it too much, he wasn't the only one making the decisions, yet he is the one who lost a child over it. He wants to move on and focus on the family he has. I will suggest he requests she get regular payments taken via the child support system and uses that for any expenses. I don't think its so much the money, but the fact that the child isn't interested in a relationship only what he can get from his dad.

REPLY
11 months ago
That is actually a great suggestion to make to your husband. Regular payments might ease the financial burden in the way of smaller and more consistent, rather than bulk payments at once, and then you know everything is above board. I understand that there are two sides to every story and somewhere in the middle you get the truth, although you don’t seem to be completely irrational and only wanting to blame mum, which is great. As a mother who has been through the ringer with a father not wanting to be part of a child’s life, I do empathise more with the mother and child in these situations however, you seem to be reasonable in finding a solution. Keep up the good work. Maybe one day when he is older the son will want to get to know your husband. I know for my situation I would like for that to happen with my daughter and her biological father.

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11 months ago
Thanks so much. Its not so much the financial side that's the issue, its the emotional one.

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11 months ago
It could be too painful for the son to deal with or if he has had a great relationship with his step dad he might not have the need to have his biological father around.

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11 months ago
Yep, doesn’t have the need to have bio dad around ... unless he wants something

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11 months ago
Op
Yes that's it, son considers step dad to be dad. Son doesn't like being away from his family, and despite lots of different ways to accommodate him this is the decision he made.

ANSWER
11 months ago
The point of child support is exactly that, not to spite the other parent. Its such a shame when people abuse the system. It's about the children. That's it!!!

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11 months ago
I'm not talking about general child support, I'm sure they will work something out for that. I'm talking about making sure a child gets to play sport, expensive clothes, wants rather than needs?

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11 months ago
I'm sorry but sport is an integral part of a child's development. Don't be spiteful.

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11 months ago
But he doesn't need to play sport that costs hundreds of dollars, surely the child should learn you can't have it both ways?

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11 months ago
Both my children play sport. Even modest afl is 170 per season. Don't be a tight arse.

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11 months ago
So he should have a relationship with a man who abandoned him in order to have nice things? 😬

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11 months ago
^ That doesn't make sense.

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11 months ago
It actually does make sense and I agree. It's the child's right his father shall provide. He can't be victim of the adults issues.

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11 months ago
It’s not a child’s right that a father provides anything about the child support assessment!

ANSWER
11 months ago
Actually your hubby needs to go through child support. Thwy will do it based on her income and his. Base ratw. He doesnt need to pay anything more. In fact alot of men dont and don have to. Thats the bottom line legally. As long as he pays what child support stipulate that is all he needs to do. If the kids refuses contact then he should just pay what he is required based on child support assessment.

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11 months ago
Sorry typos new phone tiny keypad.

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11 months ago
Its not about punishing the kid but about him not being used as an atm. I say this as a mum who gets $30 month only. Single income. So I know what its like to have to say no but in life you have to learn you dont get everything you want.

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11 months ago
Btw if u go throughchild support you cease contact with his ex. Its all done through child support.

ANSWER
11 months ago
My brother found out he has a 10 year old daughter

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11 months ago
Wow, that must have been a surprise.

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11 months ago
What happens in that case? Can a mother get ten years back pay of child support?

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11 months ago
If his name on birth certificate maybe.

ANSWER
11 months ago
Yes. Just because he doesn't see him it's still his child and he should pay. If you don't want to pay for certain things then set up a proper payment plan, weekly etc.

ANSWER
11 months ago
....Your replies though 😈 tried to paint yourself rosy and have definitely shown you are actually an evil stepmother, gonna shoot in the dark and say you are probably the main issue between this poor kid and his dad to begin with. Yikes.

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11 months ago
Yes its all me. Who would have thought he wouldn't like being locked in a cupboard. 🤷‍♀️