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Is it possible to heal a relationship after cheating?

My husband and I had one of those perfect marriages. The ones with the ridiculous movie plots. Basically we barely knew each other and got married straight away having not even met each other's friends and family.
We had a great almost perfect relationship.
Then I became very ill. I became burdensome I guess you can say. I gained allot of weight and I had already been big to begin with and gone was the beautiful woman he had had. I though a year later realized that it was time to make a change and lost 90 kilos. What was left though looks terrible. My self confidence is gone and the scars left on my breasts from my illness killed me inside.
I guess I took him for granted when he got a job out of area that payed over $250k a year. For a time i felt disconnected. When he came home I felt like it was someone coming into my house. I hated myself for thinking that though. We spoke daily several times. Professing our love and sharing our lives pretty much through a phone.


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Answers (17)

There's nothing about cheating in there. Who cheated? Was it once? Was it an affair? Did the cheater know this person? Maybe I'm just nosey but I feel like the situation helps people understand it better.


OP Thank you for your honesty. I would probably write no if i was someone else too
helpful (1) 
 Cheating is an absolute deal-breaker for me. No second chances. (And if it was with a hooker I would have been out of there so fast his head would never stop spinning!! Gross 🤮)
helpful (4) 
 I’ve put a lot of thought into this. Honestly I would prefer to never know. If I found evidence I may even turn a blind eye.
I love my family and everything we have. I would do anything to keep us together.
But If he fell in love with someone and confessed I would walk no questions asked.

helpful (1) 
 ^ yeaaaah I’ll never understand how people find that acceptable...
helpful (2) 
 ^ you won’t understand unless you’ve been there and felt like this yourself. I always said I’d walk if cheated on. Until it happened.
And honestly it’s case by case. Everyone has diff views on it

helpful (3) 
 ^ been there. He was dead to me the moment I knew he’d cheated so I grieved for the relationship I’d lost but I never considered staying with the lying scumbag that replaced the man I fell in love with. If he’d been open with me about being tempted to stray BEFORE he ever acted on anything then I would have tried to make things work but once that line is crossed, it’s all over.
helpful (4) 
 I’m glad it was clear cut for you. Like I said, everyone’s different. I wish it were that easy.
helpful (1) 

This sounds like the plot of one of those terrible made-for-TV movies

OP I know. It totally does. He literally was one of those perfect husbands before I got ill.
helpful (0) 
 He doesn’t sound even close to perfect
helpful (3) 
 ^ some people have low standards
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Soooooooooooo much info. I’m info overloaded I’m sorry to say.
Only you can decide whether it will work or not for you guys. Every situation and person is different. No one here has the answer you need.

 I know, and the info is spread out all over the place so I can’t keep track of what’s actually being asked 🤷🏼‍♀️
helpful (3) 

To answer the question, yes a marriage can survive cheating. Mine did and many years latet we are happier then ever but it wasn't easy. The best advice I can give you both is to take some time apart for yourselves. You both need to know who you are, what you want and to be happy with yourselves before anything. My husband and I were seperated for almost a year. The hardest thing when back together was the forgetting part. Forgiving is easier but if you do stay in your marriage it has to be as if the cheating never happened, and that is not easy. If you can't let it go there is no point in being together as you will always be angry and upset and unable to rebuild a relationship. Trust is another matter and this will take a long time to return understandably.
Good luck

Yes, you can recover from an affair. But this... this is so much more. Really, only you can decide what to do here. I know what I'd do in your situation though

Listen up mate. This sounds like a fu***d up scenario that you'd be best hotfooting it from. You sound like a top sheila bit he sounds like a robotic enslaved bastard who'll never look after you the way you need and deserve. Pack your stuff and leg it. Don't look back. You deserve so much better!!

 This !!!!
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He comes from a total dysfunctional family. They dont know me. Never got to know me. I reached out but they just werent interested. They have never taken an interest in our children except when I was given a 51% chance of dying and his mother told him to basically kidnap my children and put me in a nursing home to die. He said no respectfully and they all never spoke to us again. I never said anything mean. I'm not very confrontational and actually really tried to earn his mother's affection as I myself dont have a mother anymore. So I was always happy at the thought of having a mother in law. But she didn't want me. She said i was trash. Even though I had been super successful and bought my own house while still very young. I just lacked the looks she wanted. I basically look like Jennifer Lawrence if she was obese. I though lost my excess weight.
His behaviour changed once he visited his sister is hospital. She's nice. I've only met her once but I liked her.
But his family are toxic and he knows it. So he doesnt see them. Basically DV childhood. Poverty. Lots of different new daddies every year. Gambling. Jail sentences for huge frauds. The brother and his girlfriend dont like me cos I posted a meme about key bowls and swinging in the 60s and she thought it was about her and went crazy at me. I really had no idea at all about their sex life. The brother has been inappropriate towards me. My husband I believe didnt believe me. He turned up while my husband was up the road out of the blue and let himself in then started talking about sex. I laughed and said that was a conversation i didn't need to have and left the room. He then followed me from room to room while i became increasingly scared. He kept asking me if I "knew any sl**s". Creepy
So basically he went up there and came back different.
When I was pregnant a relative of his inboxed him questioning who the father was. When they take photos of my children off his wall and upload them they always write "a photo of my grand child". I've never said anything though.
So basically the whole family have drug problems whilr telling him he is trash because he got in trouble when he was a teenager with the police for some thing drug related. They hold it over him. Typical gaslighting behaviour

 Woah what a messed up family I hope your husband can get counselling to heal from that and you too! Maybe the swinging brother and sister in law told him he should look elsewhere for sex if he wasn't getting it if that's when he got different. Unless just being around his family depressed him
helpful (1) 


OP Thank you for your honesty. ;)
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Make a list of conditions 1) he needs to be std tested. 2) this person needs to be blocked from him 3) he needs to arrange counselling and you both attend together it's also good if u can both also have individual counselling sessions 4) you both read some books on communication in a marriage. And yes you can move past all this but it takes commitment and time. And no second chances

OP He did infact I believe give me something. I presented at the hospital last week and was given broad spectrum antibiotics.
They told me to follow up with my doctor but id assumed it was a UTI as i had no idea about UTIs. I'd never had one before. I noticed that I started having allot of pressure down stairs. It felt really weird. I just assumed that I was going through early menopause as my mum and her sister had gone through it at my age. But then the bleeding started. I put it off as a combination of endometriosis and birth control. I hadn't had a period in years so i thought there was just a back up up there of lining. But then soon after a large clot came out the size of a peach. And then I started to bleed very heavily. I panicked. I thought maybe i had become pregnant some how. But the test was negative. So i panicked and went to the hospital. My cervix had distended and become swollen and angry. When i peed I would start bleeding as my uterus was filled with blood. The heaviness was from that. He said I probably already had it but I was tested when I was pregnant with each child.
I am immune compromised. It basically means a sickness that would be able to be slowed by your own immune system takes over with me. It goes from zero to crazy in a short period. I also lack the sufficient blood flow to heal properly. I had osteomyletis which basically means my bones were rotting in my body. This makes you vulnerable to infection for ages after.
Basically I won the crap health lotto

helpful (0) 

I think you should give it a go. He sounds like he really wants to. You might need to go through a courting process again to reconnect sexually.
Also, relationship counselling should be engaged. It's a tough process to go through on your own without professional help. You have both been through a lot of trauma, and emotional wounding, and you will need help through the mending of that too.
Professional counselling will help you work through the issues.
If there is a will, there is hope.

Ooohhh what a tangled web we weave... I think only you can answer that question, every situation is different and how we choose to deal with it is different. The issue here is trust, do you trust he is telling you the truth? Can you trust him to not do it again?

I'm very sorry you are going through this. I have no experience in dealing with this situation. However there are many relationships that have faced cheating and are ongoing. I think seeing a professional and talking through with them would be beneficial before making such a big decision. They can also share strategies for rebuilding trust if this is what you choose to do.