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Unplanned pregnancy at 40

Last week I had some spotting and thought my period was on it’s way but it never came ( I now understand this was implantation bleeding - never experienced that before). Yesterday I took a pregnancy test which was positive. My husband has often joked that he would leave me if I ever got pregnant again ( kind of joking but with a serious undertone). I know 100% he will not want this baby and his family will also pressure me to have a termination due to our current financial situation -he only has 6 months left on his contract and is currently but unsuccessfully seeking other employment. I work and study part time. We have 3 others kids one aged 20 ( my first marriage, he’s not the biological father) and two others together - 5 and 7. I don’t think my heart will be able to cope with having a termination even though my head knows it’s probably for the best. Any advice would be wonderful. I would love to hear from others who have been in a similar situation. TIA


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Answers (24)

OP, We are a collective of women you don't know and have never met. But I feel like we are all caring for you and thinking of you. You have a strong and difficult road ahead with a few tricky stepping stones to get there. We've got your back mate. It's your choice only and we are all thinking of you, sending our love xx

 Thank you to all of you! Right now this thread is my ONLY support and I am feeling overwhelmed with the kindness and thoughtfulness of nearly all of the responses I have received. It has helped me immensely to get other, unbiased perspectives on the situation . I am feeling the love and care! It’s a a bit bittersweet that I can can get more support in an anonymous forum than from the actual people in my life. But I appreciate it so much right now.
helpful (3) 

i always tell my husband that no contraception is 100% sure, so if he is having sex with me and pregnancy occurs we are having the baby and that is that.

 I think this is brilliant and 100% spot on
helpful (1) 

You could make it work because you have to. What’s the alternative? The heartbreaking procedure of knowing what they do to your baby. No thanks, I wouldn’t accept that. So everyone will just have to accept that there is a new baby coming.

I think you will cope with a new baby, because you can. Save like mad for 6 months. He may well have a new job by then. It will work out. Best of luck.

 ^OP not wanting one is a pretty big reason not to have one 🤷‍♀️
helpful (5) 
 Abortion is not a fu****g solution.
helpful (1) 
 ^ that is only your thought process. It may be to others.
helpful (4) 

You are so conflicted in your own head. Maybe have a chat to a professional before breaking the news to anyone to figure out first what it is that YOU want to do. Never mind everyone else for now. You need to have a clear head first. Good luck xxx

 perfect advise
helpful (1) 
 Op here. Trying desperately to find someone for a face to face appointment!
helpful (1) 

Ive never met anyone who didnt regret having an abortion. I had an abortion years ago and i regret it every day.

 I also regret it. I wish I'd had more strength to stand up for myself against my partner at the time. The abortion destroyed our relationship, i couldn't forgive him. Or myself. In hindsight I'd gone ahead with the pregnancy we would've been fine. He regrets it too.
helpful (1) 
 I don’t regret the two I had. I know I would have been murdered by my ex if I had kept them and they would probably be dead too.
helpful (1) 
OP I don’t judge other people at all for having a termination, I believe it’s entirely their decision based on their own circumstances but I am fearful that I will feel this way myself and will feel that I was pressured into it (even from people with good intentions) and begin to resent and blame them in the future.
helpful (4) 
 ^exactly what happened in my situation OP. It cost us our relationship.
helpful (3) 
 I don’t regret mine at all.
helpful (1) 
 (And mine wasn’t because I or Bub was in danger it was just that I didn’t want a baby then...)
helpful (2) 

Had my first at 40
Second at 43
Now pregnant at 45 with triplets

 Whoa! Congratulations!
helpful (2) 

My parents had an unexpected pregnancy when mum was 42 and Dad was 51..... Dad was devastated, i was six at the time and i can remember him not talking for a week, which he had never done prior or since....... Anyway, they had the baby, adored him and ive never heard a word of regret from either of them.

I think you need to talk to your husband too. He might surprise you and want the child. But be prepared for the worst and your decision after the worst. Eg if the worst is he says he will leave you, will you keep it and raise it by yourself or will you terminate.

I’m so sorry that you are going through this. If your heart is against a termination please don’t do it. Talk to your husband and tell him how you feel, suspend your studies and work more if you can. Good luck

OP Thanks for your response. I will tell him but just need to get my head around it first. I can defer my studies and try to get more work but at the moment I’m a casual employee so I won’t get any maternity leave or benefits.
helpful (1) 
 OP if you will have been there for a year by the time baby is born then by law they have to hold your job for you for a year.
Best off luck, thinking about you.

helpful (3) 
 OP if you have worked 1 day per week for the 10 months prior to the birth of your baby you are entitled to Paid Parental Leave which is about $12000...
helpful (6) 
 Op here. I have worked between 2-5 days a week for 18 months in my current job, but casual the entire time. Would this still apply to me?
helpful (0) 
helpful (1) 
 I thought it was 8hours a week average for a year 2years ago when I got it. They are forgiving too, so you apply and they decide. Look into it
helpful (0) 

Tell him once your 20 weeks and act surprised

helpful (0) 
 This was my first thought too. The comment, not the spelling correction.
helpful (3) 
OP Haha! Unfortunately I don’t think I could do this.
helpful (0) 
 That's really deceitful
helpful (0) 

I'm sorry I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to say I'm really sorry you have to face such a tough decision.
Good luck OP!

Hugs. I was in this situation, where my marriage was on the rocks and it would be my third. I was feeling like you. It even got to the point where hubby said he’d take the other two overseas and leave me with baby(it wasn’t to do with baby it was to do with marriage breaking down). Our baby turns 2 this Sunday. We’ve been through hell, but we’re back. If you think he’d want it to work but just doesn’t know how, then you have a chance.

OP Thanks for your response, I know you truly understand how I am feeling. I really feel that he wouldn’t even be willing to try to make it work. I would have to be 100 percent willing to do it on my own.
helpful (1) 
 Yes only you know the situation though. My husband cared but but we just couldn't work together to the level he wanted, which I thought and still think is impossible. I'm not saying we're back and happy, but just that we are working on it still. He's also in a crap work situation, giving up self employment and trying to rejoin at older age which is stressful as hell. There is no real answer but Goodluck
helpful (2) 

If you do decide to go ahead with the pregnancy, and money is a major issue for considering a termination in the first place, when deep down you don't want to, explore this site for all the money saving options.
They have had some good threads of Ask SAHM where people have shared brilliant ideas for saving money, and getting what they need at minimal cost.
From preparing good nutritious meals cheap, to what and where to buy second hand at a fraction of the new cost.
And lots of articles on those subjects.
This will be useful whether you stay or go.
Being pushed into doing something that is against your values does stay with you, and fester, particularly when it is another human involved.
I am so grateful that I was never faced with this decision.
When I had been deserted by 2 husbands, both times when I was about 8 months pregnant, I took the step at 26 to have my tubes tied, so I would not get pregnant again, and have to bring up another child on my own.
Best decision I ever made !

 I am 33 and been refused to have tubes tied last month
helpful (1) 
 My doctor refused to do mine at age 40!
helpful (0)