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What would you do?

Answered 1 year ago

Long story short boyfriend of 3 years said he “would get engaged tomorrow”, made a lot of banter and fanfare about it happening on my birthday and in the end it didn’t. He said that he was waiting for an important date. That date was a month later. That came and went too and nothing. The disappointment is unbearable. I told him not to bother in the future, I am hurt beyond words and can’t figure out why if he was waiting on something specific or he didn’t want this to happen he wouldn’t just communicate that with me.
We are 41 & 43 years old.
Would you leave?


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ANSWER
1 year ago
Leave him. A man who says he will do something and then plays with your emotions that way is NOT worth the time of day. If he wanted to propose he would have by now. He is biding his time until he can a) get out and take half of everything and 2) move on with his next thing or c) isnt interested in marriage at all. At his age he wont change his mind. Been there.

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1 year ago
Or d, the ring he’s ordered hasn’t arrived yet due to delivery delays. Why go straight to such negative thoughts? You sound like a very bitter person. Just because you’ve “ been there” doesn’t mean all guys were like your ex.

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1 year ago
Maybe he has some kind of suprise lined up but due to current circumstances with Covid there’s been a delay in his plans. How about stop stressing and see what plays out over the next few months. He definitely isn’t going to communicate his plans if it is indeed a suprise. You did say he assured you he hasn’t changed his mind about getting engaged, if he is going to share anymore information he may just ruin whatever plans he may have in place. Be patient and observe what happens next. Good luck x

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1 year ago
I agree with this.

ANSWER
1 year ago
I'd just straight out ask him, to suss if he is dicking you around or not. Don't dangle it like a carrot using silly clues like it will be an 'important date' so now you're hoping and wondering at every milestone date, or even wondering on an insignificant date that ''maybe today's the day and the 'important date' thing was just a strategy to distract you so you are surprised..'. I'm basically at the point where I want to know if a guy is ready for marriage, and by 'ready' is he talking like 5 or more years away 'ready' or it's something that with the right person he'd be open to in a 2-3 years. I'd rather an honest answer because marriage is important to me, I'm older now and I don't really wish to lurk around for 5 years for a man to know he's ready, life is too short, I want a man who wants me and is certain of it enough to 'get married' so I'd actually rather be alone until that person appears. Probably makes me a nutter but that's ok hahah if you ask him, he says he IS ready and you genuinely trust and believe his answer, then maybe try to let it go for a while and see what pans out - but trust your gut.

ANSWER
1 year ago
Stop talking to us and talk to him!! Better yet, show him this entire post!! It might help.

ANSWER
1 year ago
OMG have you asked him? Yes it’s understandable to feel hurt but try to at least let him explain. If he isn’t ready then a discussion about where he sees the relationship going might help you both move forward. Honestly being married does not equal to being happy.

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1 year ago
It doesn’t equal happiness. But shouldn’t any relationship or marriage be based on honesty? Clearly they have had the conversation around marriage, he has had the opportunity to be truthful about his feelings, and clearly he has said he is interested but then doesn’t commit. If he doesn’t want to get married, why is he telling her to expect a proposal by X date? Actions speak louder than words.

ANSWER
1 year ago
Leave, he is just strining you along. Seriously

ANSWER
1 year ago
After reading your replies I get the feeling you love him but you're maybe not in love with him. And maybe you're even worried about what's out there if you go it alone. Believe me, I was the same and even though it was totally scary and lonely at times in the beginning, I found my rythm and found myself. I made new friendship, appreciated my long term friendships, found new activities and spent some wonderful quality time with my children. 5 years later I'm in a loving, patient and truly happy relationship where neither of us have brought the baggage we had accumulated from our pasts. Obviously things come up but we're able to communicate sk well without projection. I honestly didn't think I'd ever be in this place.
And in all honesty, if you aren't 100% then you should move on. Bringing up someone's children and being controlled isnt living your best life and you deserve that. And he deserves to take time to sort out his emotional baggage alone.
Good luck.

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1 year ago
❤️
That is probably the most levelled headed and thoughtful response and I have read it and reread it multiple times and I think your 100% right

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1 year ago
Do you need a marriage proposal to stick around? Some people never get married. My folks have since passed away but after 50+ years together they were never married

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1 year ago
I have asked myself that. I am fine without getting married. What I am not fine with is the blatant mind games. I had openly spoken about never marrying again and I would be genuinely fine with it. But then why have about 6 weeks of lead in with little comments, leading conversation... and why have an actual conversation about how there is a date when the first time fell through? Why not say then “look it’s not what I want”. I really don’t get it and I feel as adults there can be a reasonable expectation that your 43 year old partner be straight up with you.

ANSWER
1 year ago
Perhaps he's committed but happy the way things are.
Would it be a bad thing to stay de facto? Getting married doesn't mean it'll last forever.

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1 year ago
Oh we are both completely aware of this sadly having both been divorced once each due to our partners seperate infidelities. And we discussed previously that it would be a long engagement because neither of us were in a big hurry for the marriage to happen but it was a way to announce that we were in it, committed and after a few of the hurdles we had been given and overcome that we were happy and moving forward.
De facto is fine, it is what it is in terms of a term for what is actually occurring.

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1 year ago
What really saddens me is the lead up, the discussions, the numerous outpourings of how happy he was and how he would get engaged tomorrow, the banter leading up to my birthday about how it would be the perfect time, then the way that ended in disappointment after I had asked him to his face “if this isn’t happening you need to tell me... I will be fine but just talk to me” and he chose to say nothing until the day before my birthday when he stated it was waiting for a specific date ... and then the lead up to that, to see it come and go and for him again to say NOTHING until I finally burst into tears a week later and said WTF???

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1 year ago
If this was anyone else I wouldn’t of put up with some of the things I have put up with.... but I’ve stuck it out and I believe it is 80% good. But after this has happened, on top of everything else ... I am struggling to understand why I deserve to be treated this way. I have given him the benefit of the doubt and approached him in a calm way asking him to just be upfront with me if being engaged was not for him, if he felt pressured in some way by me (which never happened...but I needed to put it out there just in case) ... but no he assured me this is what he wanted but now he is blaming covid and after all the other excuses I think I am at the point where I am tired of being genuinely interested in the reasoning because all I am getting is shit and not straight answers.

ANSWER
1 year ago
Do you have kids, or are you waiting to get married before you have kids? If getting engaged isn't holding you up to do other stuff I wouldn't worry too much. If waiting is stopping you planning your future then leave. I was in your situation year's ago and left because I didn't want to waste any more time on someone that isn't going anywhere.

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1 year ago
We have both already married and divorced. He had kids and I have kids and we don’t plan on having any children together.

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1 year ago
Ok, do you want to stay with him despite this?

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1 year ago
I have known him a very long time. I have been in a relationship or married now for over 20 years with a little break here and there in between but nothing over a year.
I have been wondering what it would be like to just have only me to answer to and not have to deal with peoples baggage, the ex wife (who is truely fucking horrible. Sorry), the emotional fallout from his previous marriage and how that is manifested in real life, the expectations - and their are many...
What it would be like to just make decisions for me and my kids and no one else. My kids are nearly grown. They are great kids. If I sign on here I am getting another 10 years of “parenting” his kids and after three years with him I know that is exactly what I am signing up for because he just wants to be their mate.

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1 year ago
Sorry hun but I'd tell him to shit or get off the pot. Hugs to you ❤

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1 year ago
I love that saying :)

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1 year ago
Yikes. What a dick thing to do to you! Does he usually play games like this with your emotions?

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1 year ago
No but he does have certain demands and behaviours which I have accepted are part of him. Controlling but not abusive .. if that makes sense. Born from his previous partners cheating and their awful marriage

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1 year ago
Maybe he ordered a ring online and the delivery keeps getting delayed so he delays the proposal. If you want to leave him just because he won’t propose then I don’t think you love him enough. If you loved him you wouldn’t care about a marriage certificate.

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1 year ago
I don’t much care for a man who’s lack of communication skills are so inept that that can’t be conveyed. He’s already said he wants to get engaged ... so clearly he can speak his mind and share his thoughts.

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1 year ago
That’s pretty cruel. I’d be questioning his commitment to me if I were you.

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1 year ago
Oh I’ve been thinking about that a lot but usual stuff, says all the right things but his actions aren’t backing it up