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My husband wants to transition to a woman

I feel so betrayed

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Answers (9)

This is going to be a hard time for you, you are already feeling betrayed and may have other feelings come up as you come to terms with your husband transitioning. You need to go see someone to talk about it. What you are feeling is nothing to be ashamed of but if you leave it you won’t be able to deal with it. If you have children this is going to affect them too. They will need to go see a psych too. This is a huge change and there will be obstacles you will need to overcome, don’t be scared to reach out for help.

I’d love to know how you’re going? Hope things are ok. It must have been a really difficult year for you guys. I imagine you have felt so many feelings including a lot of hurt.

I’m going through a similar situation. It has been complex beyond my wildest dreams and not a situation I have found to be widely understood or supported. (There appears to be some support for teenagers and people over 50, but not much for my and my husband’s demographic unfortunately).

My husband and I are in our early thirties and have been married about 6yrs and have a 1.5yr old son. Almost a year ago my husband told me they have gender dysphoria and think they want to be a woman. I felt extreme betrayal to begin with but it wasn’t long before I understood why they had married me and essentially lied about who they are both to me and themselves. They have a very toxic family dynamic and constrained upbringing that lead to extreme amounts of shame that they tried to bandaid with marriage and a child. Not surprisingly it hasn’t worked. To be honest it feels like I don’t have much of an idea who my husband is anymore and I don’t think they are 100% certain either.

It really is a very sad situation for my husband that they have lived so unhappily and secretly so for long. I’ve endeavoured to be supportive of them as I personally believe we should have the right to be our true selves and express ourselves and live as the gender we feel we are. We have seen a marriage counsellor together and each see our own psychologist regularly which has helped us both begin to come to terms with the situation (my husband has also seen a psychiatrist and has been formally diagnosed with gender dysphoria).

Having said that, we have recently separated (essentially a mutual decision). I can see the path they wish to head down and I want them to be happy. Additionally our relationship has often been very one-sided in my husbands favour and I’ve never really felt mutual respect or support. Whilst I understand now it has been in large part that they were unable to offer this to me as they have been depriving themselves of so much for so long, my priorities now are myself and my son’s wellbeing. I believe a marriage should be based on mutual love, respect and support and my husband unfortunately is unable to demonstrate this to me. Also whilst I have no issue with cross-dressing and have openly encouraged my husband to express themselves as they wish, I’m heterosexual (and despite trying I seem unable to change this, I guess like gay people aren’t able to be straight but in reverse) so I would not be comfortable having a sexual relationship with my husband should they physically transition as I believe they wish to (they plan to start hormone therapy in the coming weeks). My husband is also unsure of their own sexuality and does not wish to have the pressure or restriction of a marriage that as it turns out they were never really committed to. My husband has been experiencing extreme guilt and shame about the situation so a separation is freeing for them. There is no point them depriving themselves of who they are and in turn depriving my son and I of mutual love, respect and support.

It has been a really difficult time for all of us. Coming to terms with the fact that my son and I are essentially collateral damage for the fact my husband wasn’t able to live their own life and come to terms with their identity during their younger years has been very difficult and quite sad. A continuing lack of acceptance and support for my husband from their family (and explicit dismissal and damning judgement) has been damaging to my husband and myself to the point where (despite attempts to communicate, put in place healthy boundaries and resolve things) I have decided to cut ties with them for the time being as I do not wish to expose my son to such a controlling environment and mindset.

For me it has felt like an instant weight has been lifted following my husband’s and my separation (although admittedly I have some new anxieties regarding my son and my financial situation but they are nothing in comparison). For my husband with the perceived constraint of marriage removed, their gender dysphoria has worsened - I suppose it has been like letting the flood gates down and they have been overwhelmed with more feelings/sensations they have been desperately trying to repress. But for the first time in a while, and despite an unclear future, I have more hope that things will work out ok for everyone involved. I plan to continue to accept and support my husband’s choices with regards to their gender identity as we forge forward as coparents.

I understand that your relationship with your partner is possibly totally different but either way there is no judgement here. I don’t think we can ever really understand what it’s like to be in someone else’s shoes and so don’t think it is fair to judge.

He's still the same person you fell In love with.You can't change his (her) brain. His (her) soul is the same. I can't understand how people can say "I don't love so and so no more" because love don't go away, it just grows , and this ain't about you, think what he's going through. Signed by a totally straight dude that lives in the 21 century, like you.

 No he isn’t the same person she fell in love with. She fell in love with a man, not a trans woman. It is about her too, she has to deal with this too and if they have children there is another layer on it. People shouldn’t be expected to stay with someone just because they are trans. Straight people can’t just become lesbian or gay just to spare the feelings of a trans person.
helpful (10) 
 I agree, it's really not that simple.
helpful (1) 

Wowsers. Yeah i could not deal with that either.
Im super straight. Never ever even been slightly bi curious and ive also never found more feminine looking men attractive either. So i really couldnt stay in a relationship with the person as they became a woman.

 you do have the wrong idea LADY! because a person has gay tendencies means that person has never enetered into that male to male relation ship as grpusp of male that go out drinking would you call these gays ?? AND FEMALE WITH lEZBIAN TENDENCIES and this goes the same for females having female friends
ONE THING THAT ALL FEMALES GET WRONG IS its only asnother female that can truly sexually satisfy another female true as the same for men each do know what the correct buttomns to push to get each of the same sex turned on true
please lady think again in a broader sense god bless be safe

helpful (0) 

That would be the of the relationship for me. I wouldn't want to deal with the fallout. End the marriage now.

This is very hard for you, I agree with the counselling especially for you and how to talk to the kids and the kids will need ongoing counselling for quite a while too.

then you as his wife dress up in a males clothes match for match but seriously do understand his feminine feelings get husband to telk about and godly share each others feelings and emaotional femeelings its nothing that you have done no has his wife >>importants to get your husband to talk about his deep feelings in wanting to be a female VERY IMPORTANT DO NOT PUSH YOUR HUSBAND AWAY YOU WILL LOOSE HIM GET EMETIONAL SECURITY BACK IN YOUR MARRIAGE AND UNDERSTAND HIS FEMININE FEELINGS ITS PROBABLY AS FROM A CHILD AS HIS WIFE HAS DONE SOMETHING (WITH OURT YOU KNOWLING HAVE TRIGGERED HUSBANDS WANTING TO BE A FEMALE >>> BUT ALL MEN WANTS TO BE A FEMALE AS DO ALL FEMALES WANT TO BE A MALE YOU AS HIS WIFE must SUPPORT AND HELP TO CHANGE HUSBANDS FEMININE FEELINGS gOD BLESS WIFE BE SAFE AMEN !

That's a lot to take in for you. I would look at it in a positive way though. He has been trapped in a body he doesn't like for so many years. He will still be the same soul you feel in love with just look different on the outside. The way I see it is.... If he had a terrible accident and plastic surgery couldn't fix it..... Would you still love him?! Its pretty much the same thing. You fall in love with the soul and mind not the looks and body. Good luck with whatever you choose to do