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What did you learn from having an affair?


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Answers (14)

Many years ago now I cheated on an ex boyfriend. I've written about it here and why at the time I felt justified in my shitty actions (he was abusive and I deluded myself into thinking that either someone would swoop in and rescue me or that he'd find out and leave me without the threats of harming me or my family if I had left him). But what it ultimately taught me was that:
A) compromising your personal ethics is sometimes called for, but it's hard to look in the mirror afterwards.
B) even if you feel justified in your affair, you'll still feel like shit for it.
C) ladies don't behave in that way. If you can hurt someone in such a way, even if that person is as unpleasant as my ex, you're not a lady. You may be a woman, but it takes more than a vagina or a gender to be a real lady.
D) the guy I cheated with, is actually still a friend to me. Even though he didn't rescue me, he helped rebuild my self esteem enough to gtfo of under my ex and never look back. He's a good guy.

How easy it is. Still makes you feel shitty. It is also hard to get away from

 I didn’t realise how addictive it was.
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The grass is not greener on the other side of the fence if cheating is all you are doing.

Don't compromise your own morals, I cheated once, a week before I left my husband all because I wanted sex. The guy knew I was married and even knew my now ex-husband and didn't care. Even though my ex was an abusive alcoholic drug addict I still regret cheating.

Lots of things. Mostly it gave me self esteem and made me feel worthy again. Our marriage is so much better for it.

Mine was worth it as it was the rebound from my now ex husband having an emotional relationship with someone else. It went for 2 years and helped me to have fun again and believe that I was worth more than I'd felt in a long time. It still hurt though when it's been 18 months and now I'm single as I'm not ready to settle for anyone who doesn't appreciate me for all I am..

I had a wonderful BOSS and he could read me like a book. We just clicked and he was a lot older than me. He had a world of experience and adventures and he was always in a happy mood. I was curious to see what made him tick. He would give me good advice and if I was down from husband and family matters he would understand me. He took the time to listen to me and give really sensible solutions to my problems. We had no kids.
He kept giving me more and more challenges and I met them head-on. We talked intimately about life and love but did not cross any lines. Just really fun banter.
He had a conference in HK for 10 days and he ran a competition in the office to see who would come and help him at the conference. I WON......(He rigged it) I found out later.
We flew business class and he treated me like a Princess from start to finish. We staying in the most beautiful 5-star hotel on the water. We had connecting rooms with harbour views.
I decided on the plane that I was going to f**k his brains out no matter what...........
It was 8 pm when we got to the hotel and he suggested a champagne as a nightcap. I was floating from the plane trip and asked if I could have a shower first. I went into his room naked under the most amazing hotel robe.
I jumped him and out of 10 days, we went to the conference for 2 days. I realised I have never "made love" before and he blew my head off a 1000 times. He spent hours just using his tongue to nail me along with beautiful slow penetrating sex.
Fast forward to today, I am married to him, we have 2 amazing children and I am the happiest girl on the planet.
We often talk of that trip and how it changes our lives forever for the BETTER

Although I understand your main point (op), I think you're being quite judgemental going as far as to tell someone else that to have an affair means that they're not a lady. Especially since you had one yourself. If you mean that it left YOU feeling as though you were no longer a lady then say that but don't try to make anyone else carry their guilt according to your personal label, it's just wrong. Everyone in the same boat will have learned something different or even a slight variation of what you have but it's for them to label themselves and carry.

Yes affairs are wrong. People get hurt for years to come (even yourself) and it could leave you second guessing yourself and anyone you have a relationship with (even friends) because since you know what you're capable of, what does that mean about everyone else plus you can't read someone else's mind so you might end up questioning everything that everyone else does.

If you feel like having an affair, maybe try to talk about not feeling secure in your relationship anymore and wanting somekind of help if your partner is the approachable type. If the other half is a bully, work on how the f**ck to leave him or her (an affair will not save that relationship it will get one of your asses beat and you will be like a dog on a VERY VERY short leash if/when you get caught). Otherwise, just leave. Affairs have never really saved relationships. If you want to save it you have to work (and hard) at it together.

Disclaimer: My personal exp, yours could end up different.

 Being a lady as she put it, is just a label and will mean different things for different people. People use labels to clarify others behaviour, it doesn't actually mean anything.
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That it’s sickening. To be on the receiving end. Awry nasty shit.

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That bigger co**s ate better (but usually attached to arseholes)

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Not really an affair but I slept with other people before hubby and I became exclusive which he knew about. So once we were married it was always, always held against me that I had 'cheated' and couldn't be trusted. Even though I was 100% faithful from the time we became official I could never prove that I could be trusted and every argument I made about it was invalid. I learned that for me, sex is always best to be between 2 people in a relationship otherwise shit just gets too complicated.

 Have you stayed married?
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 Lol no. Turns out he cheated multiple times during our 11 year relationship. Shocker hey. But- I didn't have a leg to stand on because 'I cheated on him first' so really you can't argue with that.
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 No. Turns out he cheated multiple times during our 11 year relationship. But since I had 'cheated on him first' I really didn't have a leg to stand on when it came to the moral high ground. Oh well, you live and learn and I learned that for me, once that trust is destroyed there's nothing that will get it back.
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