Ask SAHM is a place where you can ask our staff & community a question safely & anonymously. Please read our disclaimer.

Not inviting class.

My daughters bday is in 3 weeks so we were handing some invites out , mostly all her old friends who go to school so don’t need an invite but she’s made 4 new friends in prep and wants to invite them.

Just found out they have a rule no invites unless whol class in invited

Is this standard?

I’m going to just go talk to the mothers and invite like that but is this standard??? Seems silly to me


Got an Answer?

Answers (14)

So my understanding of this is: "why can't I, a fully grown adult, be a c**t to little kids, it's character building. It's not MY fault if they feel like shit. Being considerate of other people's feelings is too politically correct".

F**k me, grow up a bit. No wonder you were bullied as a kid. You're a c**t.

helpful (0) 
OP Everyone needs to chill ax a bit, the question was is it standard.

And when conversation flowed I mentioned it seemed a little PC to me.

I did track down the parents.

And yes that’s what people would say to me only they’d say “no wonder you’ve got no friend you dress and act like a boy”
Or just a pretty standard “go away no one likes you your so annoying” we’re usually said more than often.
“You talk to much and your too loud that’s why no one likes you”

You sound remarkably similar to those kids, and there’s possibly a kernel of truth , though no I’m not a dick (I won’t reprat your words cos, that’s a disgusting word) I just usually have minority viewpoints. I’m fully aware of that.

In real life iv learned to tone it down a lot and am actually pretty likeable and endearing, I do notice I let loose on this forum a lot though in a way it’s an outlet for the argumentative talkative side of me.
I agreed numerous times for why it may have come about.

Anyways ✌🏽

helpful (1) 
 You seem to mention your past experiences a lot, I'm wondering if some therapy might help you to move on? It's also good to remember that everyone's experiences are unique to themselves, just because you experience a situation one way does not mean it will be the same for others. Reading your comments on here makes me think you are not the sort of person I would want my kids around, so no invites for us please.
helpful (2) 
OP  Yeah no counselling needed for me.
It was all mentioned contextual and on topic. Pretty normal to bring up ones own experience in a conversation on said topic.

What I find found is people thinking I’m this big dick cos I think handing a few invites out to 5 kids isn’t bad, but for example this comment and your own comment directly mentioning someone (whom you don’t know) is a shit person and then your comment saying you wouldn’t let a your kids hang (which is funny cos you don’t know me lol)

Kinda seems like half the “bullying problem” although I’m certainly not calling that bullying just that I think what you two did was far more unacceptable than a child handing out 5 invites.
my children are extremely well liked and I have a high standing in our community but I know that would be misconstrued.
I omitted several times I can see the reason. I’m still a dick though? And you two are the lovely ladies? Huh???
Where’s any of the logic here.

helpful (2) 

This is standard at my kids school. We had a similar situation to a previous poster, one year all the boys in my sons class got invited. Except for my son and another boy. The other little boy was absolutely devastated. He was crying and the class feral kid was teasing this other boy and my son about them not being invited.
I 100% agree with the rule of don't hand out invites in class time, unless everybody gets one.
If you can't afford to invite everyone, fair enough. But hand the invitations out at the end of the day as the kids leave the classroom or give them directly to the parents.
I got excluded a lot as a kid too. It was awful to have to hear all the other kids, literally every kid in my class, talk about how fun this party is going to be and all of that.
It might be a little inconvenient for you, or maybe you think it's an example of "PC gone mad". But imagine how that little child feels who doesn't get invited. Imagine, if they're like I was, they already feel rejected by their shitty parents, and then once again their classmates exclude them from something. Again. Just like the game of tips, the find a partner activities, the basketball, the skipping, and every other activity both in school and out. Excluded again.

Just hand the damn invites out to the parents or slip them in the kids bags without drawing attention to it.

OP To be honest with you I was that kid too.
I ate on my own at a small primary school. 20 kids in our class.
I was mostly that kid in high school too, I had patches of having friends but I mostly got spit balled in math, sandwhiches thrown at me from the top balcony, got spat on from the top balcony.

My kids are different they have friends but I know how it feels and I’m thankful for those experiences.

My eldest has the opposite problem if people being nasty because she is very pretty and athletic , so comes across a lot of jealousy, but it is different cos she usually ends up on top cos she is very likeable and kind ...

although it’s hard to see your kids in pain. That’s how you grow is it not? That’s why I said political correctness gone crazy.

If a child isn’t wanted a party that’s just the way it goes not everyone will fit in.

I found myself in my 20s and found my people, some people just take longer.

I personally would choose homeschooling if it started to affect them.

helpful (0) 
 ^ not op of this response. I see your point about it being character building and what not. I try and teach my kids that they will not always get what they want and disappointment is a fact of life and they need to deal with it sometimes. But at the same time, schools are increasingly coming under pressure to do something about bullying. OP said these two boys got teased by the other kids. So I can then see why the teacher (or school) made a no invites at school policy.
helpful (2) 
 So you would willingly subject other kids to that? Just because your kids are popular and aren't going through it, it makes it okay for others to suffer because that's "how they grow"? Nuh-uh. I'm glad your kids aren't having the same hard time, but it seems like you've forgotten how much it hurt. You have the opportunity to lessen someone's exposure to pain. A child at that. It will cost you nothing but a few minutes of your time. Do the right thing, and be confident in the knowledge that you've contributed to bettering the next generation. By showing your kids how to act with grace and diplomacy, you're teaching the leaders of tomorrow how to consider others feelings.
Just because you got made it through the shitty years, and say you've grown because of it, doesn't mean others need to suffer the same way you did. If you're not worried about how this might affect the lonely and forgotten kids (and that's fair, you don't owe them that), consider what you can teach your kids in this.

helpful (2) 
OP No because they were deliberate. Not wanting a child at their own birthday is completely within their own personal freedom and right. And children have to learn to deal with that.

With this invite thing I sort of feel like the kids will talk about it anyways no?

Being intentionally nasty directed at them (name calling sandwhiches thrown ect is not)

helpful (0) 
 Yes if course they will talk about it, and it's character building, but how hard is it to be discreet when handing out invitations?? The reason it's a policy it's become of parents like you thinking it's not my kid being upset so I don't care. You can't really complain about a policy being created when you are partially responsible for its necessity.
helpful (2) 
OP Geez mate, it just seemed really different to me. Settle down a tad.
Sorry iv clearly hit a nerve, I actually don’t think I’m the reason it’s the case. As I abided by the rule??
I think the original case of one kid not getting invited is the Case now that it’s been said. And while I get it I do personally believe it’s a little too sensitive. It doesn’t really change the kid knowing they’re not invited.

I stalked down the other parents.
The girls were talking about the party at pick up today it’s all good.

helpful (0) 
 I can assure you, it does make a difference to the kid not invited.
helpful (1) 
OP As I said iv been that kid.
It’s not different it’s the same thing you’ve just gotta accept.
It is what it is.

In fact I specifically remember my mother having a talk to me at my birthday party about my behaviour (and a few other times) and she was very frank, when you do this it irritates people.
It was hard lessons to learn but today I’m thankful.
When I tell my friends now how unlikeable I was in primary and high school theyre in disbelief. I didn’t deserve the bullying I received. And although I was always kind to others I was annoying. And it was their right not to wanna be around me.

helpful (0) 
 I don't disagree, but it's not nice to rub it the child's face, that's something your mother should also have taught you. Just be careful because it can come back to bite you on the a*s, or your kids a*s when they don't get an invite to something and another parent hands out invites and your kid doesn't get one and has to stand there feeling left out.
helpful (1) 
OP It’s not rubbing it in their face to give out invites,
If they went up to them and said “don’t worry your not invited” or something to that effect that was nasty, absolutly unacceptable.

If it happens to us it is what it is , they’ll learn the invaluable lesson that sometime people do things that hurt you , it’s out of your control and they aren’t your people.

They’ve had some really hard lessons already that maybe your child knows nothing of?
My eldest first day the “popular” girl came up and said “you’re not even that pretty”
And made it clear she had to stay away, she was hurt but it’s an ongoing lesson that some people are always going to project their insecurities on her. Tall poppy syndrome is just as real and hurtful to an 8 yo as being outcast is.
She takes it in her stride and thickens her skin and softens her heart.
My preppy is way more sensitive and takes it harder but it is the same lesson taught harder learnt for some.

helpful (1) 
OP And if I’m honest in hindsight, I’m kinda glad I always knew my place.... I didn’t have to deal with the back and forth highrachy shot iv watched my eldest go through.

Thankfully my middle fell into the “nice girl” group who just keep to themselves and are all super nice to each other. They only care about their little foursome and we’ve escape a lot of the drama

My youngest I’m worried will deal with my eldest problems (and has in the first 9dayd I wrote on here last week) but is no where near as naturally confident , and gives way more of a shit.
But her skin is getting thicker each time.

In fact after that incident from that post same thing happened again and she handled it better, today again and handled it like a boss.

helpful (1) 
 It really is rubbing the kids face into. I have seen a girl in my daughter's class sobbing over not getting a party invitation, my daughter has been a bit upset once not getting an invite too. Not every child has supportive parents, and might just feel like crap. But it doesn't matter because the school policy makers have made the right decision that is best for the kids. I personally wouldn't want to be responsible for a child to feel bad about themselves. They have forever to learn that people are jerks, give them a few years before they learn that lesson.
helpful (2) 
OP Agree to disagree.
helpful (0) 

Maybe they mean don’t hand the invites in class. Because they cannot tell you who your child sees in their own time.

Just as a side note..... my son was in a class a few years ago and I watched as a parent handed a party invite to every single kid in his class. Except him. The exclusion is awful. So the teacher is no doubt trying to avoid that kind of thing.

OP While that really sad for your boy I truely do feel for him, seems to me like political correctness gone wild? That can’t be a very common situation.
helpful (0) 
 Probably more common than you think. If you want to know, ask the teacher. Maybe she has some bad experience with invites etc.
helpful (2) 
OP Fair enough I suppose maybe there has been a past situation. I was more curious if this was the norm we’ve always been at the same school and it’s a new school for us this year
helpful (0) 
 I know that I will get hell for asking this there are reason your kid didn't get invited? A few years ago a boy from my son's class didn't get invited to a party and the Mother complained to the teacher about it but this kid was horrible and violent to the other kid's.
helpful (0) 
 ^ I don’t know the reason. He isn’t violent. Is very well behaved. Seems popular. He does have ASD. It doesn’t seem to bother his peers, as I said he’s popular. Perhaps it does bother some of their parents. I don’t know.
helpful (0) 
 Thanks for the reply!
helpful (0) 
 Why the hell would you complain to the teacher lol
helpful (3) 

teacher here. It's not my job to hand out your invites have had so many mums ask me to do it also explaining they can't invite everyone and expecting me to find a discrete way to hand it out etc etc. you'd be surprised how often many are inviting almost the whole class bar 1-5. That's fine, your choice if trying to prove a point to some certain kids or parents but don't expect me to be a part of it. Birthdays have nothing to do with school so if you want to organise social events, do it in your own time on your own turf, not in an arena where you are just going to cause more upset to the kids, more crap for the teacher to deal with in terms of upset kids and parents. Sometimes kids might be excluded because they are pests or 'bullies' but many of the times kids are excluded because they are quirky, don't quite fit in, have a disability or an issue. I'll happily hand out whole class invites but don't expect me to find time in my busy day to sneak invites in bags of 6 kids and then lecture them not to open them up till home time etc. or, don't do it openly and be a cow out the front of my classroom.

OP For some reason I don’t fully believe you’re a teacher lol.

helpful (0) 
 For some reason I don't actually think you have children.
helpful (0) 
OP 😂 touché
helpful (0) 

You will have to do it outside of school. I do see why they have that rule, schools anti bullying policies include exclusion so as innocent as birthday invites are it is in a way going against what they are trying to teach.

OP Yeah I’ll just talk to them.
Just seems so silly to worry about upsetting kids on something that’s not with malice.
Surely just making a rule then that it must be done in the totes with discretion.
Kids will talk about the party anyways no?

helpful (0) 
 Some kids never get an invite, so while it's annoying to wait until after school you are saving a child from feeling like shit, so it's worth a bit of inconvenience.
helpful (3) 
 ^ yeah, I posted about everyone in my son’s class getting an invite but him. And that year he didn’t get any invites. Subsequent years he’s had a few. Last year he got just one.
helpful (1) 
 That is so sad. People can be thoughtless
helpful (2) 

Im pretty selective with who my kids hang out with. If there is a kid who is a trouble maker im not interested in my kid hanging out with them. I wont invite bullies to my kids party. I wont have parents who are not nice people or who let their kids muck up. All the bleeding hearts will come out no doubt, but who your kids spend time with especially as they get older mould who they become. I want to surround my kids with happy healthy people. Kids mimic behaviours and surrounding them with people (and kids) who display the behaviours you value will help.

 If you are raising your kid right you do not have to worry about their friends being negative influences. Besides, your kids are already spending 30 hours every school week with these kids and you think not inviting them to a 2 hour party once a year is going to make an ounce of difference to their influences? I don't think so.
helpful (1) 
 That's gold, yes of course you can control who your children are friends with. 🤦
helpful (1) 
 Not a single person here is debating whether the child MUST invite everyone. Only if the invitations are handed out in front of all the children is appropriate.
helpful (1) 
 Please make sure you take a full body photo in normal clothes plus a close up of their face every 3 months so you have something to give the cops when you report your kids as missing.
helpful (0) 
 I agree with this poster. No you cant control what happens at school but you can control what happens at your home. Especially with young children as the original poster was referring to. Yep raising your kids 'right' is obviously the goal, but kids will do lots of things they know are wrong to seek acceptance from peers. Hell even adults do this. Peer pressure is a real challenge for humans. As a kid i was forced to invite everyone to my parties, even two girls who bullied me terribly all throughout primary and then high school. It made me anxious and not enjoy my parties because of how rude they were to me and about me to other people. I would never do that to my kids.
helpful (0) 

Holy shit I get this at work, colleagues often plan get togethers, dinners, drinks and bbqs at each other’s houses.
I got the same treatment in school (i was never allowed to have parties,we did cake with the family) so I guess that’s part of the reason I didn’t get invites.

I am glad my mum didn’t go running to the teacher treating me like a snow flake! i learnt to get over it quickly

OP That’s kinda what I felt like as a kid I learned to get over it pretty quick
helpful (0) 
 I don't think that's why you didn't get an invites.
helpful (0) 
 No. I said PART of the reason. I was also loud and full of energy and parents often thought I was hard work. I also had an egg allergy which freaked parents out. I know it freaks my friends and other mums out as my kids both have egg allergies too.

At work too I like keeping to myself, i rather spend time with my friends out of work time. I also have two small kids I would rather spend time with. I also don’t drink Which some people find a bit boring.
I do me and don’t give a f**k what everyone else is up to. I love hearing their drunk antics though

helpful (1) 
OP You sound a bit like me lol. I did end up always getting invited when I was an adult but I often said no as I wanted to get up early and surf with my husband(then bf) or a few of my girlfriends who surf. After a while they stopped asking.

I created my own job and business where I only work with kids. They’re way funnier/funner than adults lol. Every now and then I have the odd painful parent but for the most part the environment is literally just all fun and games with minimal adult bullshit.
Then the adults I have in my life are 100% my choosing. And they are all top notch, not drama, shirt off their back kind of friends. It’s awesome not to have a conventional workplace now.

helpful (0) 

It's pretty standard where I am for the younger classes. They are usually just held at a park or in the backyard and not all the kids invited will attend. Once they got up to year 2-3 kids would mostly invite just their actual friends. You can still only invite a few kids, just do it outside of school.

OP Yeah this one was a pool party so I also wanted to make sure it was all kids who could swim.
Through a bit of stalking I managed to get them out lol

helpful (0) 

No that’s not standard, I never invite the entire class

OP I was wondering who did?! That’s 28 kids, not only could I not afford it my daughter would hate having so many people
helpful (0) 
 I have had parties when I’ve invited the whole class. One time, a quarter of the class turned up. The other maybe just under half. Whole class parties you will find many won’t show.

My child went to a party few years ago and the entire prep year was invited. So about 80 kids! That party was just insane

helpful (1) 
 I’ve done whole class parties for the first 3 years of each of my kids. Most of the time we only get about 10-12 kids with a few siblings. Once we did get 20 of the class + some of their siblings + cousins + other friends. We had the best time. Did it all at home. Wasn’t expensive and the kids were able to occupy themselves much better than just a few. Once my kids get older and have more established friend groups they get more extravagant parties with 8-10 of their friends (they are very social) and I find those ones more difficult than the whole class ones.
helpful (1) 
OP A party with 80 kids gives me anxiety just thinking about , 12 kids is the most we’ve had at parties and I’m bracing for the chaos lol.
helpful (0) 
OP My older ones also got more extravagant parties but I found them easier!!!

Either camping at a great resort or a night in a hotel or outdoor movie night sleepovers; they were fun to plan and chilled with only a few kids lol.

helpful (0) 

And this is why we only do parties on significant birthdays. No way in hell I'm having a class full of kids coming to a party!!

I’m so not having parties for my twins this year!

OP 😂😂😂
helpful (0) 

I would just quietly hand out the invitations to the parents. That way no one can complain to the teachers their child was excluded. It's a shame that parents have ruined the experience for kids to hand out their invitations. Learning you wont always be invited to everything Is part of life. And something we do need our kids to learn to accept as we are all excluded from something in life. HOWEVER that said, there should be respectful ways that invitations can be handed out to avoid upsetting others and making others feel left out.

OP Yeah thanks what I ended up doing :)
I had to do a bit of stalking and ask my kid which kids they were and watch where they went lol.

helpful (0) 

Generally this just means no handing them out in class if everyone isn't invited. The school can't tell you how to spend your money. Just get out the class phone list and contact the 3 or 4 people directly.