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Fellow step mums! Help a sister out!

Soooo a bit of info before I get into it..
Been with my partner 4 years. SD is 7. Partner plays cricket.
Yesterday we all tagged along to DP playing cricket, thought it would be a fun day out, the kids could run around have fun. SD got sick, very suddenly, started throwing up. She said she wanted to talk to her mum so I messaged her to let her know she wanted to talk to her then she randomly showed up and took SD (that's her right as a mother. Not arguing that) later on I messaged her and just said that I think we should open up a line of communication for the sake of the kids, if there's things she's not happy with or wants done to just let me know and I'll do what I can to make her more comfortable (yesterday was our first conversation ever..). I'm just trying to make this easier on the kids instead of all the unspoken hostility that has been lurking for the past 4 years. She's not responded. Any other step mums bridged the gap with the bio mums? Any tips?

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Answers (7)

I was the bio mum. Step mum was wonderful and opened up the communication lines very early on and she was the main communicater between me and dad. Dad wouldn't call or visit with out someone doing it for him or telling him to and we had a very amblicable relationship. Give her time and don't push. Invite her to coffee to discuss just being able to talk about the kids properly. Maybe next time when drop off/pick up occurs go say what the kids did on the weekend and how much you and their dad love having them and they are so good (use that as an opening to compliment her parenting).

OP I really don't think she'd go for that. I'd like it if she did tho, I just want a better environment for all the kids.
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 What a shame. It is so much better when all adults can put aside their feelings to make the children's lives easier and open communication. I wish I could help more, that was just what my exes ex did and I found it really helped open up our communication. We are still friends now but he doesn't bother with the children (hers and mine) so we need to be the grown ups so that they all know each other and can grow up with their siblings.
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OP I hope we can get there one day, preferably before the girls are grown ups hahaha. Sorry to hear about your deadbeat ex, but so lovely to hear you and the ex's ex are doing what's best for your kids.
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Reading these makes me appreciate my sons SM even more. We don't talk alot as most of the communication is through his dad but she's a wonderful woman that treats my son as one of her own. My son is 17 now and she's been in his life nearly 8 yes now. He loves her and she loves him, very lucky

OP That's basically my dream.
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 I'm that SM. I treat my 2 step kids as my own and they love me just as much as I love them.
I don't talk alot to their mum, I let mum and dad communicate if they need to, and I have never tried to take 'over' being their mum, and the youngest moved in with me and their dad at 14 because it was a better fit.
I feel very blessed as there has never been any animosity between bio mum and me, and it's made life so much easier for the children.

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Be patient, and keep showing the mother that you're not trying to replace her and you have your step daughter's best interests at heart.
It will take time, and alot of you being the bigger person.
I have a better relationship with my SD's mum then my husband does. But it took time. It took me telling her I wasn't interested in replacing her, she was her mum. It took me openly encouraging my SD's relationship with her mum, infront of her mum. It took me coming to the bio mum's defense if my husband was in the wrong over something. It took me biting my tongue over alot of things and being calm instead of yelling. It took letting her see I wasn't trying to cut her out of our lives. It took a while, but she sees that I only want what's fair for everyone.
If she isn't ready for verbal communication try writing a letter?
It's better for the children if the adults can be amicable, put their differences aside and do what's best for the children.

OP Another 4 years of patience? Lol. I kid. I feel like the ice has been broken yesterday so maybe it'll be easier from here on out? I do come to her defence, but she just blatantly won't listen. She thinks I'm the devil and that's fine she can think I'm hitler but we NEED to be able to communicate for the sake of the kids. It was a txt yesterday that I sent so that she would have some time to digest it and didn't feel the need to answer straight away but I can tell she's just not going to answer. She's threatening to keep SD from us because of what happened yesterday which I think is really unreasonable but I'm not going to make contact again, it can be between her and DP now until she wants to talk to me, I'm not gonna push her but honestly, I'm sick of it, it's been 4 years, put it to bed now and have an adult conversation. 😕
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 Yep time to back off and let them work out what's happening with THEIR child
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OP Yes, I made contact once in 4 years, I really need to "BACK OFF" 🙄.
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 I don't get why you only have made contact now after 4 years!

I do hope things work out for you, your partner and the kids though. Exs can be hard work, just kill her with kindness and good luck :)

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 You may have made contact only now but there is no doubt you have been in his ear the whole time brain washing him and poisoning him against his ex. So yes you need to back off and let them deal with their child (once again remember, it will never be your child).
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OP Because she's always been very hostile whenever my name was mentioned so I figured I was the last person she wanted to hear from. Thanks, I hope it works out to.

And to the next commenter down: umm? I'm sorry, what? I've been poisoning him against his ex? That's news to me! He married her... And then divorced her of his own free will, I think he's made up his mind about her, I don't need to poisen his mind. Nice try on the transference tho, go deal with your problems, sweety.

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OP I've got my own child, I'm not trying to steal someone else's lol!!!
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 Trolls aplenty on this post
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 Sweetie, I don't have any baby mama problems to go deal with.

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OP Oh so you just randomly accuse strangers of poisoning their partners minds? Oh, ok .... Cool...? 😳
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Why was my answer deleted it was not nasty or a troll post in the slightest. Mods you are so over the top. Watch this will get deleted too

OP What was it?
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 I honestly can't remember lol but it was nothing mean at all (that's all I remember)
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 Agree -i get constructive replies deleted all tbe time yet they let troll posts stay
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 Pretty obvious whothe real trolls are!
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 Yeah the mods!!
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It si be like this until the kids are 18. Run while you can

 *will not si sorry it auto corrected?
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OP Absolutely not, I'm invested, I live the man and his daughter.
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I was in a similar situation. Step back and detach. Still be a great step mum but let all communications and negotiations be between mum and dad. Made my life easier. I still get a say but it's not taken as a constant battle. Happy life now.

OP Like I've said I've only made contact with her one time in 4 years and that was yesterday and that was because SD asked to talk to her mum so I of course obliged. I never go to pick up/drop off and any conversations that happen about SD are between them. The only way I could be more detached is if I left the relationship hahaha.
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Bio mum is a bitch. Give up now

OP Id rather give it a good try for the sake of the kids. I'm sick of this childish not talking and bickering and bitching, I don't want to be her friend I just want co-exist like adults.
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