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Seriously not happy about how my kids were looked after by my inlaws! Am i out of line being this pissed off?

We went interstate for 5 days for several family events and to see my grandmother who is not at all well. We left our 2 kids with my inlaws. Just went to pick them up, they were still in bed - in their clothes from the previous day. Then they tell me they haven't brushed their teeth the entire time, one of them hasn't bathed/showered at all the other has once, 5 of their meals have been Maccas, KFC, chinese etc. Yesterday one of them spent the ENTIRE day on the xbox! I went and told my husband and he can see how pissed i am he just said "sorry, dad's doing it all on his own and he doesn't really know, nothing we can do about it now" WTF?!! Im FUMING! my MIL has issues and no real interest in the kids but we only live 10min away and see them all the time. They know my kids well and often look after them for a night every now and then. Im so angry and feel guilty for leaving my kids there. Im worried my husband and i are going to fight about it - im so pissed off. He will defend his dad.

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Answers (62)

Don't worry about it nothing you can do, it was 5 days. Yours kids are alive. And well. It's not worth a fight with hubby at all. You got to do what you needed to do. And just don't leave them there again if you didn't like it.

 Yeah, what an ungrateful, selfish individual the OP is. You're lucky you've got inlaws that even speak to you let alone help out. Then you go and make your husbands life a misery to boot, but what's new I guess.

If you brought your kids up properly they would know to brush their own teeth, shower, get dressed and look after their hygiene, so get off your high horse and have a good look in the mirror.

helpful (5) 
 I don't think she's selfish or u grateful and I don't think that's what should be told to her , she's obviously a mum with high care standards which is awesome. But I'm sure the lesson of if you want it done right do it yourself has been learned . and fil doing it by himself ? Hell yeah he's the man !!! I take my hat off to him what a awesome dad

helpful (4) 

This is all familar to me.
Take aways, too much tv, their own ice cream tubs...eaten straight from the tub. Anything that happens to get washed usually gets shrunk in the drier or sits wet in the machine or ends up mouldy (hot weather) they learn lots of choice words. No teeth brushing, showers unless the kids instigate it. Not a bad thing no one will drown lol i tell the kids to run under the hose.

I remeber staying at my grandmas and living like this. Doing what i wanted. Eating endless ice cream portions that came wrapped in paper. We had lots of maccas which i thought was heaven.

My kids are alive and so am i.
I would do anything to sit on grandmas back porch filtly with unbrushed hair eatting ice cream squares. They were the best memories, no one harping on about what i do and don't have to do (which is what us parents do)

Your lucky you had someone to help x

I think you're overreacting. So they had a couple of slobby days with their pop. It's only a few days. In the grand scheme of things, is it really so bad? Teeth aren't going to rot and fall out after a few days of not brushing them. If they were mostly playing video games they probably didn't get caked in mud, just chuck them in the bath when you get home, then send them outside to play. It's not an ideal way to look after them (what your ILs did) but it isn't an every day occurrence, so relax.

Look after the your own kids or take them with you. 🙄

 Very right
helpful (2) 
 Really?? She can either have help from her family or an expectation that they will be well looked after? But not both?
helpful (0) 
 To be honest I feel that grandparents job is to enjoy not to parent the kids. I am unsure what the mother expected but although you are right it isn't black and white, if your father in law is doing all the work then it's unfair to pay it onto the situation which he potentially was overwhelmed with. we probably heard all the negatives because mum is quite upset, but I'm sure there were positives
helpful (3) 

It's such a massive job looking after someone else's children. I can imagine it's even harder when you are older. Half a day does my head in. I can't imagine having to do five!! I'd just be grateful u got all that time to yourself and your children were still alive when u got back.

What an awful situation. I completely understand that you're upset - when we have expectations and they're so totally misguided, it shocks and can hurt. However, sometimes we have to face that when our children are in another person's home, it's their rules and not ours that apply. We may be completely not okay with that, and that's perfectly within our rights, however we then need to look at alternative arrangements for our kids. My MIL used to feed my children a startling amount of sugar and then tell them not to tell me. I hated being lied to and wasn't able to "fix" the damage. We talked and accepted that those were her conditions for minding my kids. Her house, her rules. I have to accept this. As a result, they don't spend copious amounts of time there. I know you thought things would be okay because you had set guidlines with your FIL but perhaps he was overwhelmed or something else happened that week. Allow yourself time to vent (perhaps not to your husband) and then look at the bigger picture. The kids are okay. You've learnt a hard lesson for next time. Take care and all the best for 2017

My best memories as a child are going to my grandparents and them letting me have cordial and icecream for breakfast, I'm upset my children can't with their grandparents. I get your point but the kids would have enjoyed them selves

You're overreacting! Don't damage relationships over it... So what you need to shower the kids and brush their teeth. It's like they've been on school camp!

You'll laugh about it in 10 years. Be grateful for the help

I'd be unhappy too. But, you knew before you left that MIL has limited interest. And I'm assuming you also knew FIL has not much of an idea. So what were you really expecting?

This sounds like our house on the school holidays I don't see a problem here.

 lmfao mine too
my dad used to hose us down outside when we got really dirty

helpful (12) 

Oh nooooooo!!!!!!!
U have free baby sitters who help out so u can have a holiday with hubby!!!!!! So they were a bit slack. Get over it! They're alive & had a blast. U also had a blast being away from kids & getting quality time with hubby! Don't ruin ur break by fighting about things that don't matter!!!!

 It matters! Some people teach their children good habits.
helpful (3) 
 Good habits start at home. Appears to be sadly lacking in this case.
helpful (5) 

There is nothing you can do about it now unless you can invent a time machine. All that you can do is take this experience into consideration for the future if you need to go away again and figure out if you would prefer a repeat or chose an alternative. While it wasn't ideal it was only five days and they will be fine. Is it really worth the fight for something that you can't change and that didn't end up horribly? Pick your battles.

 
helpful (0) 

I would be annoyed.

My inlaws looked after our boy for one day a week. I would pack a lunch and they'd feed him bowls of ice cream and cheerios / little boys / savs and all sorts of rubbish. I was torn between "whatever, it's just one day" and "omg he's got intolerances to the food you are feeding him and I am the one to pay the price, just feed him from the goddamn lunch box!!"

The health fallout from the one day of rubbish got too much, and after repeated requests to not feed him stuff he really shouldn't have, all visits to the inlaws are now accompanied by parents.

Sad for the inlaws , but I really did try.... I even cried, I was so upset and frustrated with them disrespecting and ignoring repeated requests. We still see the inlaws very regularly, and they have a great relationship, but I can never leave my kids there without me.

In-laws house = in-laws rules. It sucks that there wasn't basic hygiene practices in place but depending on the ages of the kids, they should have knownbetter and sorted themselves out. Sounds like FIL did the best he could with the situation. Let bygones be bygones and organise alternate arrangements in the future. No point causing a rift. You could always write a letter to your hubby? Or do a journal entry? Something to get it all out. When you see it all laid out, I'm sure you will see that it is not as bad as it seems and your kids are ok 👌

 My MIL and and I had a similar conversation, she said my house my rules and said my kids my rules. I have never left the kids with her because she just feeds them rubbish. I just pack my own food and tip out the coke she gives them and replace it with water.
helpful (1) 
 I used to send packed lunches etc but it hardly ever got touched and they would end up treating them instead. I used to be annoyed about it, but then just went f**k it - a few hours/day with someone who loves them and wants to spoil them isn't going to hurt them in the long run. When I am around, or partner, they will always ask first. We have an understanding now that works for us. Compromise - that's what being an adult is about.
helpful (11)