Ask SAHM is a place where you can ask our staff & community a question safely & anonymously. Please read our disclaimer.

Step Kids

I have kids and my new partner has kids we've been dating nearly a year and we do fun things all together and when we do I've noticed the two elder girls don't get along so well. They're 11 and 10. I feel like his daughter can be quite nasty and bossy. But when I spend one on one time with her she's so lovely to me. I don't know what to do. I've tried talking about the tension with my partner but he doesn't think it's too bad and doesn't see that it's mostly his daughter. His take is it's both not getting along.


Got an Answer?

Answers (9)

It'll take some more time, she probably feels threatened. Blended families are hard. Hang in there and try not to play the blame game.

Is his daughter the older one? If so then its just natural for the older one to be a bit more bossier or w/e its human nature and totally a tween girl thing so dont read into it too much right now. U did say new partner.... believe it or not females are waaaay more territorial than males.

For one just because they are girls of a similar age it doesn't mean they will like each other, do you like every person you meet? No so don't force a relationship on them, that will just make it worse. And 2, don't blame his daughter and don't point out that it is his daughters fault to your partner that's a sure fire way to either get your a*s dumped or build more resentment from the child towards you and your children.

Its almost certain your child isn't as innocent as you perceive in the situation, the rose tinted glasses of motherhood will do that and if she really is being bullied for no good reason perhaps look for a new partner, do you want to force your child to endure a life with a bully and a step parent who can't see it??

sounds pretty normal. keep doing what you're doing. it will take time :)

Sounds like norml sister stuff. I have 3 older sisters. It's like bossiness dominoes. Oldest bosses 2, 2 bosses 3..... sibling rivalry be too stepsibs means they are accepting each other. Because of the close age, they be feel competitive or they will be close because their struggles are the same.

Just remember - forming, storming, norming. I have three step children (two boys and one girl) and their biological mother is no longer a part of our lives. At first it was all rosey, everyone trying to figure out where they fit in and everyone is polite. Then the honeymoon period is over and they start to push boundaries, the 'new' person is no longer new, the 'new' person also takes up some of their biological parents time and all the attention is shared. They also try and figure out if they can trust you. This young girl is probably feeling like she likes you, but you take away her Dads attention. Also his attention is no longer on their Mother. Also her Dads attention is also now on your daughter, and not her. She's had his attention all to herself, and now has to share. It can feel like rejection for her. I'd suggest making sure that you do spend time with her one on one, but also set up time for her to have one on one time with her Dad. She slso might have tail end grieving from her parents splitting up, and might feel guilty in some ways for betraying her mothers loyalty for liking you. This is all not personal by the way, and it might just feel that way. But remember you're dealing with an 10/11 year old. She doesn't understand a lot of what she is feeling. What I do with my girl is I give her a plain book and some texters and get her to draw and write how she feels and we talk about it afterwards. It's a great way of expressing feelings and it something that you can grow in your friendship together. But lastly, give it time. And finally... Good luck. I went through this, and it is tough and heart breaking but you will get there.

I have a 12 year old sister and a step sister the same age and they get along for a day or so then become snappy and bossy with each other. It's more than likely a combination of things. Age (girls this age tend to be temperamental at the best of times), jealousy (my step sister gets jealous because my sister gets to live with her dad yet she only gets to see him in the school holidays as they live in a different state) and they probably just clash, some people do. All you can do is ride it out Hun. Make sure you're including both girls when your step daughter is there and make sure everything's fair (both follow same rules etc). It'll get better one day. Is this your partners first proper relationship since splitting from his kids mum? I'd say she's just insecure and jealous which unfortunately is just part of these situations...

She is probably feeling a bit insecure. How about a girls day where the three of you bond but make it more for them, like getting nails done or candle making class, or painting class? Something fun and grown up.

I am 25 and sister is 22 and she is a bully to me
think she has bi polar