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My husband never wants to do anything..

On weekends or any time really.
He's happy just to sit home and stare at the walls.
It drives me crazy. I would kill to have him spontaneously make plans but it's never going to happen.
Whenever I plan any thing at all it ends up just being the kids and I, he uses working all week as an excuse.. but seriously I mean he NEVER wants to do ANYTHING.
If he does come he's like a big black cloud the whole time, even if it's something I specifically choose because it interests him.
I've given up trying to change him..
My friends are all off with their families doing fun things on the weekends so I feel so lonely.
Is anyone elses spouse like this???
How do.you deal??
I can't be alone!

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Answers (181)

My husband was the exact same, except he would do stuff on his days off with friends or by himself. But wouldnt do anything with us. One day i cracked it i showed him like 300 photos of me and the kids doing stuff, just quickly scrolled on my phone. He wasnt in any. And basically said if you dont want to be apart of this family f**k off. He changed his tune real quick and is now very fun, involved and always up for an adventure doing something.

 That’s good to hear that now your husband is change.👍🏻
helpful (2) 
 I wouldn't have the guts to do this, I'd be too worried that he would say fine if that's how you feel, and take the opportunity to leave
helpful (6) 
 😂 Thankyou awesome
helpful (0) 
 Does your husband fear intimacy, not just sex but real intimacy? Is your husband suffering depression or anxiety? A look into his past, especially childhood, by a trained professional may hold the key.
helpful (1) 

I see a few people who say that to entertain yourself basically and I get that but I’ve now been doing that for years (married for nearly 17 years) and I’m past that part now I’m like what’s the point in being married if I’m doing my own thing and he just sits there watching news day in and day out. Problem is we’re probably with the wrong people but we stay married out of convenience, or kids, or religion or whatever else reasons. It’s tough to stay married to someone who just shows much apathy etc

 I agreed
helpful (13) 
 Oh mg I’m in the same boat but only married 6 years. And I haven’t been happy with him since we had our first child. He never told me he didn’t want children... but he showed me with his actions! He is SO LAZY! He just goes to work and comes home... sits with the tv on, staring at his phone... ignoring life going on around him. If we get invited to something, I have to go by myself. He doesn’t cook, he’s not helpful... he never really was... but I didn’t seem to care before kids because he kept me laughing and made me feel good. But raising children is hard and I need more from him. He makes my life harder. He’s become so crabby, gives me the silent treatment often... I don’t see the point in being married.
helpful (30) 
 I agree with you. I'm giving myself up to 2020 to see if he is still interested. I'm thinking that I married someone else's husband.
helpful (6) 
 I left the bedroom 10 years ago when I realized he was just using me for his pleasure, not really caring about me. He never even tried to get me back. He just lives like a bachelor in our house. He lives as though he has no kids, even though there are 8 in the house.
helpful (6) 
 I’m 32 & I’ve been with my husband for 11 years & when I got with him he used to love drawing & basketball and I was more adventurous wanting to go skydiving and shark diving and what not. I then came to the realization that my expectations of him doing this stuff with me would be a no go so if I want to do the crazy stuff I do them with other people but I said to him that even if I’m doing that stuff with other people I’d like to at least figure a middle ground of doing stuff that’s not too boring for me or too crazy for him. Now he doesn’t play basketball or see his family since they moved and he spends a lot of time playing video games. I said hey let’s try boxing or dancing or something moderate to do together. Most I get out of him is restaurants and movies which I now despise because it’s so played out. Not sure we can change them just like they can’t change the fact that we want to do this stuff. It sucks when they say to go out and do it but really we want to do it with them .
helpful (2) 
 Does your husband fear intimacy, not just sex but real intimacy? Is your husband suffering depression or anxiety? A look into his past, especially childhood, by a trained professional may hold the key.
helpful (1) 

My husband is similar. It's sucking me down a sink hole of depression. I make plans and he shits all over them with negativity. He won't come up with anything himself. We never catch up with friends or family. Weekends are crushingly lonely...

 Make a life of your own, just start small by catching up with friends and doing things that you enjoy. I doubt your husband will change unless he goes on meds or has a lightbulb moment. You only have one life, enjoy it
helpful (22) 
 Thank you - it's what I've been doing
helpful (3) 
 OMG! This is exactly what my husband is like. His work friend and his wife just rented a 4 bedroom house in the Poconos for the week. They invited us to come for a night or 2. I mention it to him is all he says is "I ain't going to the fu#*ing Poconos." Every weekend it's sitting around the house doing nothing or waiting for him to make up his damn mind on wether he's even coming with us to do something or not. The kids and I are so bored most times and can't wait for him to go back to work on Monday. It's really getting old and frustrating and I feel like my kids haven't done half of what I've done as a kid and they are missing out. And I also feel like I've lost myself and who I used to be because of him.
helpful (29) 
 Do u have children ???
helpful (2) 
 OP of this comment- yes, we have 3 children
helpful (3) 
 Does your husband fear intimacy, not just sex but real intimacy? Is your husband suffering depression or anxiety? A look into his past, especially childhood, by a trained professional may hold the key.
helpful (0) 

Men love a Challenge. If you are the one iniciating & asking, planning everything for everyone then he feels like your no challenge. So basically you have to quit asking him, quit telling him...don't even mention nothing. When he goes to sleep or goes into the garage then don't say nothing. Just pick up and go and make sure to turn your phone off or either ignore his calls. Make him wonder. And then honestly go somewhere and do something. Go see a friend or go to a movie or a bar and when you come home act like you had the time of your life and be the happiest female on the planet. Show no sign of being concerned over what he did at all. Start fixing your hair, wearing make up and dressing attractively. Make him wonder for a change why you aren't asking him why he never wants to go anywhere or do anything. Turn the tables and make him wonder and ask. If this doesn't work, nothing will.

 If you want your husband to leave then definitely do this. It is completely childish. Be upfront with him, go to counseling if there deeper issues. Communication is the key to a good marriage. And some men or women don't change its their personality plain and simple.
helpful (14) 
 For the most part i agree. If my wife did these things because i was treating her like this then i would feel flat out dumb and stupid for treating her that way. If on the other hand she started to 'doll up' and head out i would be getting angry and think she may be seeking other attention. I disagree with turning off the phone as this will cause trouble, but going out shopping or to a cafe with a friend i would not have a problem with. It would start a conversation which leads to a chance to fix the real problem. Just my 2 dollars worth, and in short, be careful how far you go with this. You want him to notice you, that will be the challenge he should need.
helpful (5) 
 That’s true . But I think I accepted that my husband is not going to change. 😔
helpful (7) 
 This is ridiculous and childish. Smarten up and act more like a lady? Instead of communicating let’s play games... no. Leave his stupid a*s. Like the other lady said... tell him to be an active member of the family or f*ck off. Take a hike!
helpful (7) 
 This might work for guys in their twenties but not guys which are older and very happy with their own company in front of the telly. If I did that my partner would be the happiest once I'm off doing things and not asking him to come with me
helpful (5) 
 This is very passive aggressive behaviour. Communication is key, not the opposite. Is counselling the real question that needs to be asked?
helpful (0) 
 I've tried all this ,nothing works he is happy to let me do what ever as long as it does involve him ,and he doesn't even notice hair make up weather I danced on the moon with happiness ,I've told him point blank I trade him in for a new model who wants to go places out with me ,he still won't do it,can't win
helpful (0) 
 Men only love a challenge when it's a fresh relationship. When you've been married 20 years like I have, you can challenge him and he'll only change for 3 days and it's back to the same lifestyle. When he feels like he's in that "comfort" zone again with you, he will slither his way back to the way he feels fit for HIS LIFESTYLE!

I've complained, cried, sat around this place for many years being lonely, waiting for him to change and realize that he needs to stop fixing everything around this house (constant renovations) and maybe FIX his marriage. He changes for 3 days and he's right back at it again.

There's an old saying..."When a Woman Stops Complaining...You know you've LOST HER! I've Graduated to the "Stop Complaining Zone!"


helpful (1) 

Mine literally spends every minute he’s not asleep on the computer or his phone. Gets sullen and weird acting like I’m a nag if I god forbid ask him to him to help with something. It throws a wrench his attitude if he has to do anything but stare at a computer. I will not live this way much longer and I’m really just done feeling like I married an extra child instead of a man. Always has a headache, something always hurts, conversation stops if it’s not about him. He acts like he’s hung the moon if he spends a whooping 10 minutes with his child. We do nothing as a family either. I’m not going to be his mommy and have my only purpose in life be to pick up his bullshit and do his laundry so he can sit in a office playing video games likes a little boy. Wonders why we don’t have sex too!! Lol!! Oh yes I’m so horny over the idea of you sitting in a computer chair with your headphones up full blast while I live my life in the living room tending to the real world and doing his half of the parenting. When our daughter was born that first year he would lay in bed until 10-11 on weekends when I hadn’t slept 4 hours that night. Just a selfish little manchild. I have no respect left for him.

 41 yrs. I did everything with the kids while they were growing up, he was out on his motorcycle or ar bars. Now the kids are grown and gone and hes hooked on gaming. I am so lonley, especially with the kids gone. I'm ready to start a new life.
helpful (7) 
 Then go woman, go! This is not the reality you need to have. Imagine and start planning , no it doesn't have to be delusions dreams, but freedom from this and on your own terms!
helpful (5) 
 Omg, you have just described my life to perfection. I swear you wrote it about me and my husband, even down to staying in bed half the day of a weekend when I have been up with our non sleeper toddler all night!
helpful (2) 
 A lot of anger and frustration, which is understandable. Does he fear real intimacy? The answer may lie in his upbringing. Have you suggested or tried counselling?
helpful (0) 
 Wow my husband is so similar and I’m so depressed and lonely. In the beginning he was so different and somewhat fun but I started noticing things in the beginning but I thought I’d give it a chance because he was so charming and nice to me and my daughter when he finally met her. It’s just that we never do anything but stay home and watch tv. Great provider, He’s diabetic and uses this as an excuse, never wants to go anywhere, I understand that but if we leave then he’ll get dressed and leave. He gets mad if I invite anyone over or go to our bedroom and becomes antisocial which is so embarrassing. We never go to anything my friends invite us to do or he doesn’t want to meet any of them. He just Fusses if I questioned anything about him and the silent treatment then just starts talking as if it never happened and this really frustrates me! I am always making excuses as to why he doesn’t show up to anything and the sad part is we’ve only been married one year. What to do?
helpful (3) 

Omg . This is my life 😢, except i find myself sitting around alot waiting for him , for a miracle. Been together 18 years & i dont kbow how much more i can take

 Me too!! I use to go with just me and the kids and now their getting like him!!! Where they don't wanna go. I find myself on the back deck with my dogs smoking! Sad too. Been together 15years in October! Congrats on 18!
helpful (5) 
 Just start going on your own if you’re okay with that. That’s what I’m going to start doing. He doesn’t want to do anything, then he doesn’t have to come along. Why should I sit around just because he is, right?
helpful (8) 
 So so sick of it .. my other half goes to mates places every fri or sat night, it’s either footy or motorbikes on TV they HAVE to watch. I work and look after our grandson most weekends but even the weekend I get off he is gone out the door so fast. What annoys me is he reckons that he would go for tea OR do something but I don’t ask or he already had plans or whatever whatever. I go out with my friends and I do my own thing but it’s become boring that I am only 46 and this is my life. Every night he cooks tea then goes and eats it in his man cave, never watch’s tv with us ( he likesfooty shows blah blah ) I walk every night to keep myself fit and healthy and I have always kept myself dressed nice and try to look ok BUT he has got so over weight and smokes, drinks and will not come for a walk ever !!! But also expects sex when he wants it and thinks I should be turned on instantly. I am really starting to think I hv more life in me then this and more to offer.
helpful (15) 
 The really bad thing about it is that the kids, especially the boys, will get like him. Dads teach their kids whether it is with effort or not. It seems like divorce is necessary to save the kids.
helpful (3) 
 Wow after reading your response it’ exactly the same situation I am in with my husband and my son!! It’s one thing that my husband doesn’t enjoy doing anything outside of the house, but now my son is becoming just like him and my son is only 11!
helpful (3) 
 Congrats for being together since last 18 years
helpful (0) 
 Seriously? isn't it congrats on putting up with him for 18 years. It's a shame they don't award cash prizes for this stuff.
helpful (4) 

My husband is the same. It is hard. The kids ask why dad doesn't want to spend them which broke my heart. We continued to do stuff without him. My kids are adults now and have nothing to do with their father and he is solely to blame. He wishes he could go back and be a better father but it is too late. There is still a chance for you.

 He may not be able to go back and and be a better father but there's nothing stopping him from reaching out and starting now. Some intensive counselling may be required, however.
helpful (1) 

Because women love a challenge also.
It's when you are happy yourself that it doesn't even matter anymore. Once you are happy and non dependant on your spouse, everything else will either fall in place or fall apart. If it falls apart then it wasn't meant to be.
You have to make yourself happy before anyone else can.
Find interest and pursue them.
He will either notice and wonder to the point of engaging in some type of conversation and that will spark time together to talk about "Your" interest or he will go on ignoring you.
What's your self worth ? Putting up with this ? I think not.

Even though you are together, Independance is a very attractive quality.
Make him wonder, act like his behavior doesn't bother you.

 This is the point I'm at...we've been married for 22 years. My husband is a great provider, participated (with encouragement) in the boys teams by coaching, etc. I also was very involved. However, he always had a reason to go over to a friend's house (beer and tv in the garage). Now, our garage is the hub. He has a few friends who stop by regularly (2-3 times during the work week). When they don't stop by, he is still in the garage with a beer and sports. My husband is always up for dinner when its suggested by the friends (includes families going). If its me, just us, it is inevitably a disaster. He is bored, can't wait to find a place with a beer and tv...I don't know if this is worth the effort anymore...
helpful (0) 
 I think that even though we the wives and mothers can keep busy and happy doing our own things with the kids, we signed up for and expected a marriage partner and father for the kids. But here we are living like single mothers. The only difference is that the kids' dad lives at home and provides some income, instead of child support.
helpful (10) 

We can start our own club! Its really hard to live like this and lonely. But at the end of the day he is the one that misses out on time with the kids, time waits for no man. I’m planning a camping trip for me and the kids in the April school holiday without him, joined a gym and started a free online course. Hopefully he will wake up before its to late and we’re gone.

 Yeah my ex's weekends were for him to go out with his buddies as far as he was concerned, so I'd just do stuff with the kids, to the point where all my family holidays were just me and the kids, and now I have a lovely husband who picks activities and helps plan trip trips away with me and my kids. And my ex is still spending his weekends drinking with his buddies.. Oh well
helpful (12) 
 Do u really think he hanging out with his buddies?
helpful (3) 
 We should start a club that''s a great idea at least we will have company when we do stuff or go away and can relate
helpful (10) 
 Yeah
helpful (0) 

Exactly the same, feel so lonely even if he is next to me

 Same here...
helpful (3) 
 Same here. It's like I'm invisible.
helpful (3) 
 Same here.
helpful (2) 
 Exactly the same situation here, too.
helpful (1) 
 Feels exactly same here . 😔😣
Don’t know what have to do, where have to go with my little one, feeling so alone.......

helpful (1) 
 Are you all stay at home moms?
helpful (3) 

I spent years trying to get my husband to join in and be apart of the family. I can't change him, but im not sitting at home with him. I just take the kids out and and we have fun without him.

 Mine is the same.
I also started going out by myself and making new friends cause otherwise I would be sitting at home alone and not doing anything.
He spends so much time out in his shed every afternoon and well into the evening, it does get lonely :(

helpful (5) 
 You're exactly right, you can't change him no matter how hard you try. Only he can change him but he may need some help from a trained professional.
helpful (1) 

And I thought I was the only one having this problem. Every time I start a discussion on doing something over the weekend or plan a vacation, it ends up as a very ugly conversation. Hugs to you. I know the pain of loneliness in this situation. Hard to deal with it.

 Thank you all for sharing your situation. I can’t even get my husband to go out for ice cream with me & our daughter. I often refer to him too as a black cloud & think maybe it’s better this way because he does suck the joy out of things. But we have no family here so it gets very lonely. Plus I’m jealous of all the fun, hands-on dads out there.
helpful (13) 
 I know exactly what you mean. He gets mad if I try to talk to him about getting involved in the family, doing stuff with the boys, teaching them how to be men. Anything that would require effort from him, physical or mental, he doesn't want to here about it. He sat all day Thanksgiving watching The Lone Ranger. Today he sat all day watching football. Meanwhile, I'm trying to make a life for me and the kids. It seems like I should be finding a new man who actually wants to be a husband and father.
helpful (4) 
 Wow. I could have written that verbatim. It’s like pulling teeth to get him to plan and I’ve always been the planner, for decade, and he can never go 90 perfect of the time. So we travel without him. My husband is a wonderful “provider” but also a staunch workaholic. He’s killing himself. I honestly thought he was having an affair, he works so much. My mil tries to be supportive, of both of us, I love her, sad thing is she’s only “family” I have within 3000 miles and of course she sticks up for her son. I’d bring her with us but guess what? She’s agoraphobic! I have bil, only a few hours away, but his family is so sports cultured, which we are not, and never wants to do anything other than World Series and super bowl. Ugh. I love my husband but his family is a downer. I have lots of friends, but they all are busy or don’t have kids. I want family priority. I am usually busy bee, but this is really depressing me in the past few weeks... maybe it’s always has.
helpful (5) 

I think you should all get divorced & start a commune. Think of how much fun you'd have together? Think about it.

 This is a serious conversation.
helpful (0) 
 Oh ok well continue being miserable separately & complaining about your lives on an anonymous public forum then.....i was only suggesting some actual action.
helpful (9) 
 I was thinking exactly that. Or at least a community?!! I feel so sad looking out my window at my two neighbors who dads are home with family. It’s really getting to me.
helpful (1) 
 Commune sounds like a serious idea... Only if there's some spicy hot sexual activity to relieve the years of built up sexual frustration
helpful (3) 
 No kidding!! My husband has no desire or ambition to do anything but work. I planned every single activity when we raised our kid and dragged his a*s all over the place. He will follow and never lead. Yuck. Once teenage years hit, he still would do the soccer parent thing, but didn't go on any other trips with us and never ever planned a thing. And now---NOTHING. I leave and do what I want but still get frustrated with it. I told him tonight I was looking for a new friend to do stuff with, and he could remain the hired hand taking care of stuff around home and farm since that's the role he wants to play. He will never change, and after years of asking, I feel like he's the last person I want to spend time with. He is so dull and no fun whatsoever. God help us!! Leaving and communing with people who are ALIVE seems like a great option.
helpful (0) 
 This is kind of what I did. Well not a commune, but I am raising my kids with my best friend. I spend weekdays with my husband then we alternate weekends with the kids: he gets the weekend off, then I do, then he does, then we spend the weekend together. He makes a good income so I don't have to work, which is great but he's super introverted & I like the time off to study & write or just do whatever I want. Trust me, you get a lot of leverage in the situation when you make friends & spend time with the rest of your family. I'll be damned if I'm going to spend my life alone! But I love him to pieces, so I'm glad we are still together.
helpful (0) 

Gosh I'm not alone! My husband is exactly the same....he gets 'stressed' and tired at work, by Friday night comes home like a big black cloud, snaps at us then sleeps till midday and spends the rest of the weekend planted in front of the TV playing Candy Crush....I understand he's tired after a long week at work and needs time to wind down, but it's kind of an excuse- no matter what job he does or where we live, it's the same thing, it's his default state and if it's not work stress it's something else. It's not like he's the only one who works hard! I dread weekends now, it's either a crushing bore, or we just end up arguing and snapping at each other. If I suggest fun, new things or try and cajole him I feel like I'm forcing him, he's always negative and never suggest anything himself. And he's honestly satisfied like this- no hobbies, no friends, just sitting at home sleeping and watching TV. The fact I'm not is of course, my problem, not his. In the end I do all the activities with our daughter, but I feel like a single parent without the advantages of being single... I think he needs some counselling for childhood emotional traumas he's not dealt with, but of course he won't go. I need to stop caring and focus on enjoying myself without him.

 My husband is 13 years younger but acts like an old man. How can someone want to waste their life sleeping or watching tv it boggles my mind. I'm so over it.

helpful (6) 
 I know this post was months ago but reading now. I identify with every word you said. The only difference is our children are grown. Youngest still in the home. Have you ever wondered if he had depression? I am starting to question it. The only thing that puts me at ease is that he could care less to spend time with anybody. Not just me. He just wants to be alone. Playing games.
helpful (1) 
 I think you might be on to something about the emotional childhood traumas. Have you thought of seeing a counsellor yourself? It's hard doing it on your own and anonymous forums aren't the answer.
helpful (0) 

My husband went through a period where he was exactly like this. Turns out he had anxiety and depression, our GP actually suggested it to him. After seeing a psychologist for about 6 months things improved. It's not in his nature to be spontaneous or suggest things but he's happy to go out if I want to and has a good time.

 Bingo!
helpful (0)