I fostered over 60 children and young people and ended lots of placements that were not working for me, my long term foster children and the foster child in question.

Ending a placement is not giving up on them, it's quite the contrary. It's giving them opportunity, the opportunity to move to the next care giver that can get them through their next stage of healing and life.

Foster children aren't out kids, they are temporary and we aren't hero's that rescue them and give them the ultimate perfect life.

We give them what they need until we can no longer meet their needs.

What other support can you access? This is so awful for you and the child! Are your children really in danger, or is this just normal cusp of teenager hood stuff? The chances of being placed with another family get lower the older they get- they could end up in a group home.

I've been a foster parent. The case worker needs to arrange emergency respite.
This child needs be given the correct mental / emotional health plan.
Please don't get sucked into the guilt trap.
You are well within your own 'human and family rights' to call immediate 'too hard and dangerous' on this situation.
It's a very loaded emotionally and morally obligational role. A mental minefield to have to feel like you have failed a placement.
I understand but it's our personal primary responsibility to regain and nurture our own wellbeing and protect your family.
That can be done kindly and professionally for the best outcome for this child. Help is there for this exact reason through DOCS.
Its ok to say.....enough.....we need help xx
That is your case workers job
You have NOT failed anyone by asking for help and safety from and for this child
You did your absolute best xx

Is there anyway you can still remain in contact? Maybe do respite care for them? How old is the child in relation to your other kids? My husband and I have talked about fostering but the situation you find yourself in is what has put us off- we always think “what if they hurt our children?”

OP why do you feel you have given up?

Don't feel guilty. You have done your best. Its all you can do.
Sometimes the damage done before you got the child, and their response to that, is just too much to handle.
And you have to put your own family first.
If your children say its like living in a domestic violence situation, imagine how it will impact them later in life, if it continues.

You gave it you best, years is a long time. You also need to take in to consideration your own family's needs. Wishing you luck and love in this hard time.

I think its wonderful you've tried.

You have to protect your family.

I spoke to a friend who Foster's children, and she said its soul destroying when you have to give up a child, but at the end of the day you are only human and can only tolerate so much, and often there are other kids to consider. You read stories about foster parents never giving up on kids how kids eventually appreciate it, but its not how it usually works. It's best to focus on the kids you can help, and do your best for them. My friend said it was far worse when she had an older child removed and placed in a group home what she loved to bits.