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Fallen out of love with my hubby but fallen for another

I have been with my hubby for over 15 years we have 3 amazing kids 6,4 and 2 we have really grown apart
He did not support me when I had severe pnd with my son and ended up in hospital he asks me to quit my job because he is changing gears and think it will be an easier transition for the kids if I’m home
Every few months we have a massive fight because I need him to ask me to help with house stuff except cleaning the kitchen (he feels that is enough)
I have become friends with another man and he is sweet and kind and pretty incredible and I have realised I have feelings for him..I know it’s mutual and he is willing to wait for me
I don’t know what to do I know I will crush my hubby because he often begs me to stay with him telling me I Meam everything to him but I don’t feel that way
I think even before met this other personi was only staying for the kids
I feel trapped

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Answers (10)

I think people are too quick to give up on a marriage these days it just sounds like yr in a rut which is understandable after 15 years and 3 young kids the new man is like an escape but as others have said grass is often not greener your problems will multiply not halve if you leave your marriage or have an affair. It just sounds like you need better communication, some time together as a couple not mum and dad and talking about housework and cut off or minimise this other friendship.

 Um no, he disrespects her and sees her as second class to him
helpful (2) 

There is no justification for cheating. If you truly in your heart think your marriage is not going to work and you want to leave then do so before embarking on another relationship. Also keep in mind the strain your new relationship will be under if you pursue it as soon as you leave your husband. Not only because the effect it will have on your kids, but how it will effect your husband. It could get messy. Think carefully about your reasons for leaving, and starting a new relationship as soon as your old one ends.

 This
helpful (0) 
 Is the new guy ready for the battle of 3 children under 7. Has this been a big part of his support for you or are you just having pillow talk after he has nailed you?
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I read an interesting article called second husbands written by a marriage therapist. She said often we wives don’t tell our husbands exactly what we want from them or we do and they don’t hear it. Then the marriage breaks up and the man who doesn’t come to therapy with his wife attends alone to make sense of it. He then realizes what she meant and needed but it is too late the wife has moved on. The therapist goes on to say these men eventually get remarried and make better second husbands because they realize they didn’t put enough into their first marriage. She cautions wives from throwing in the marriage too early, she says the trick is to get them to see what they will lose if they don’t change their ways before the marriage ends. If this can be done the man changes and the relationship survives and the marriage goes on happily.

 Exactly. I would consider confessing your feelings (you don’t have to give all the details) give hubby a chance to improve things first.
helpful (1) 
 I would not mention the other man just simply state the facts of why you think your relationship with him is failing. No need to make him worried or depressed.
helpful (0) 
 What about the kids?
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 I think there is a need to make him worry if his not worried than why would he make an effort to meet her needs.
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 ^^ if you don’t mention this other guy, he will probably ask anyway. When someone breaks up with you, of course there will be questions. The most obvious being ‘is there someone’s else’. And as it’s possible he may have already worked out there is someone else, best to just come clean. Because the lie will make it all so much worse,
helpful (1) 

I don’t think you’ve fallen “out of love” you just got bored doing the same mundane things day in day out, bickering about finances, the kids, help around the house that you lost the reasons and purpose why you married each other.
This guy you speak of isn’t sweet, HIS NEW and exciting and listens to you and does everything your husband did when you met him and “fell” for him. Get to couples counseling, rekindle the love, romance and friendship you once had. You’ve got kids to think of as well. Let him know how you’re feeling and if his interested in investing time and effort into the marriage. At least if you eventually walk you know you gave it your best shot. I too was unhappy and bored in my marriage, engaged in an affair with a “sweet” guy and here I am divorced and alone. As one poster said the grass isn’t always greener. Looks to me like you’re already emotionally cheating. Either fix your marriage or end it, you can’t have both options it will destroy you. Speaking from experience.

 Not the op, how long did your affair go for? Was he married too? The woman always seem to have the most to lose in these situations.
helpful (0) 
 Not the OP of this comment but I completely agree. You have already crossed a line as you are aware that this man is keen and will wait and yet you still maintain the friendship.
I’ve had an affair too. This is exactly how it starts. It’s been a long time since you’ve been desires by your hubby and now your night in shinning armour is in front of you.
I was lucky as I didn’t get caught but it’s a very risky game to play expecially if you have feelings of love for this other person.

helpful (2) 
 Op of this comment. Affair lasted 4 years (with a few “breaks” in between”) always kept getting drawn back to each other till we got caught. He too is married. Ugliest feeling in the world. Still in therapy 6 months on to make sense of how and why I allowed my world to come crashing down. Affair partner did not get caught.
helpful (2) 
 Oh wow. I can understand how it would go on that long. It is very addictive. Can I ask how you got caught?
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 Let’s just say the husband has acquired some good detective skills.
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 This may be the stupidest question but 4 years is a long time did your affair partner break things off with you too?
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 Yes. In fear of experiencing the same loss as me. The intention was never to leave our spouses/children. But you get caught up in this god damn fantasy bubble till it bursts. I’m not proud but I’m very broken and only people who have been there will understand.
helpful (3) 
 You didn’t want to tell his wife about the affair?
helpful (1) 
 And break up her family too? She didn’t do anything wrong so I couldn’t bring myself to hurt her and her children. I’ve taken the brunt of it all, it’s not easy but I guess every action has a consequence and I just have to deal with it all and make better choices in the future.
helpful (4) 
 Her family breaking up is not about you, she deserves to know the truth. How would you like it if it was reversed? You’d like to be playing happy families while your hubby was out with someone else?
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 I think you did the right thing, what’s the point in two marriages being destroyed over this. Only discovered affairs hurt. He was ‘cheating to stay’ so clearly he still loves her. This experience may make him a better husband.
helpful (4) 
 I think you did the right thing not telling her, that’s their business. He may have told her already or maybe she suspects but stays with him. The fact that he hasn’t left her for you says a lot about him then you.
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As a stranger, who believes very much in trusting your gut, I feel reading this that I want to say that you’ve got it wrong- don’t do it!(which surprises me even). The reason is , that you sound so similar to me. II wanted to share with you that I fell in love with an incredible man who I married and have three amazing kids with (similar ages to yours), and we lived in four different countries in for years with me being the expat wife. I feel like we’ve had the amazing life on paper, but we’ve had the battles you’ve had and we’re only just pulling through the other side of it but to the absolutely benefit of us each personally. I can’t go into all the details, but wanted the career too, hounded him, it ate at me,, I wanted the equal work at home and I felt lonely and working my butt of with us not really moving forward. He, felt like your husband, always unhappy with things, wanting me to to SAHM and get life sorted, from a more rational perspective. Well I got home , got the career, and it kinda sucks? He slid downhill and we hit rockbottom, truly. Now after 3years, we are getting back up and we’ve managed to work on our communication, routines, understanding each other’s perspectives and seeing that everyone has crap going on behind doors- EVERYONE. Just think twice before you jump, please. Goodluck x

Sounds like you're unhappy and have already made your choice. Own it. Leave him before you have an affair. You can be with this man after.

Don't cheat, leave and give it a few months then start a new relationship. Co parenting is very difficult when you have to deal with the person your ex left you for. It makes it much harder on the kids too.